I found the perfect practice for a narcissist like me. Who doesn't care when stuff gets hard. It's to try not to worry Jesus. I been worrying about myself and what can he do for me and not caring about how much all this hurts him. That's ok for a normal human pretty normal development path. But, I'm a narcissist known for being selfish what a perfect thing to practice to decrease someone else worry and carry burden cause I'm definitely not good at it yet. I been real with God told him no more performing from me no more fake. If I don't want to do it I won't until he puts a heart in me. But, I found myself understanding how beneficial decreasing someone worry can be to a guy like me. So I'm back with the program the voices don't like it they was quiet all week till I decided to start back giving a care about God that let's me know they trying to keep me from something valuable or they wouldn't be fussing. I might can't feel love but love is more than a feeling it's a action. I don't know nothing that puts more pressure than God if I can still love him care for him not worry him despite how much I hate burdens. Then I can maybe grow strong enough and smart enough to care for the people in my life. Edit: my selfishness has diminished in relation to God i don't know by how much yet. I just had to know my place I'm not normal so I don't get to complain and be selfish with God expecting things but don't want to do things for him or care about him. I can actually learn from how not to twist love when burdened. I'm already deep in selfishness and took a hard look at myself and I think something has to be done to strengthen my resolve to care about others. What best way to start by caring about God surely the trails and tribulations will come and test me though i hope they don't. Not sure I'm gonna ace but I got a new mindset to try and a goal that might be in line with God goal. I been acting like I'm normal instead of someone who has repeatedly failed to love others because it was to hard. Before I flunk I gotta carry some burdens. The flesh doesn't but the spirit do. So some kind of way I gotta get strong.

I'd recommend keeping an eye on Fool Night. The manga is one of the most unique stories out there and the adaptation looks really promising too. It's not coming out until late November because of Netflix’s ridiculous release schedules, but it's still technically part of the fall season.

I bet these fucking monsters want me bad but thanks to big God I can buck. I'm to black not to buck the system thankfully God helping me punch above my weight. All I can say is God I'm sorry I'm to black not to buck these evil mfers they think they can buck us like we some pussy. Sure I'm scared but imma buck. Whether I live or die I'm gonna be real. Hopefully you can intimidate them and humor me and my arrogance. They think they the only one crazy. Cause Lord I truly don't give a fuck I'll expose there ass on some crazy shit. I'm on looney tune timing. Going home would make my day. Sorry you have to cover for me God. I know better than to push my luck but they think we pussy and they the only ones that's crazy. The voices call me a bug hey I'm not offended that means I defy programming I'm not a npc or cattle.

So I found a unique way to start practicing my Japanese again. I went to a japanese V-Tuber's twitch channel while they were streaming their gameplay and I just typed in 'konnichiwa'. Apparently she even had an auto-translate to japanese hiragana bot in her channel which was really cool. The VTuber was happy that I was trying to learn japanese and taught me some really important phrases I'll share with you guys: 「って感じ」 (tte kanji) — extremely common in casual Japanese. It means something like “that kind of thing,” “that’s the vibe,” “something like that,” or “basically.” Another phrase she taught me was「知らんけど」(shiran kedo). It literally comes out roughly as “I don’t know, though”, but in natural conversation it’s more like: - “...but I dunno.” - “...I think, anyway.” - “...don’t quote me on that.” - “...or something like that.”

Everyone operating with some level of the curse blindness. Part of the curse broke when I smoked weed and my ex gf said you not as good as you think you are and my consciousness shattered literally and I gained awareness of myself for the first time. Another part of the curse broke when I got schizophrenia and the voices unveiled my darkness to me in a way I couldn't ignore or stay blind to it cause they bombarded my mind with it. Though they wasn't trying to help they just wanted me to sink into the abyss.