He's still angry. 10 out of 10.

I lied to my gf recently this hits home to how things can change because of what one has done. I pray my gf forgives me as I continue to try to be a better lover.

While trying to force the change of my selfish ways. I found myself mourning them. Which threw me for a eye opening loop. It's a sign I don't want to change yet. I shouldn't be mourning ways that have ruined lives including my own. I should be happy to part with them. But, I found that these ways continue to comfort ME... I found the problem. The need to be in this everlasting cycle of comfort despite the costs to others and myself. As long as the ways comfort ME I don't care who they do not comfort. I'm glad I figured this out. I need all the pressure in the world beating down on me. I need to know the depth of my selfishness. Thanks to the cognitive dissonance growing discomfort I can finally see the wider picture. There's a man who only seeks comfort for himself despite the costs to others and himself. I knew this but the mourning of the selfish ways made it more vivid and enlightened me to the despicable person I am. God was right. I am a lover of self. How can I mourn my selfish ways if I do not love them. With that new found despicable image of the man I am and the constant pressure of damnation I see cracks forming in the armor that keeps my conscience at bay. I'm thinking about reaching out through the cracks and breaking the armor but I know I don't have the strength for what awaits me unprotected. Pain, Remorse, Guilt, Honesty, Duty, Accountability, Weakness, Responsibility, Discomfort, Fatigue, Restlessness, Failure, Trying, Tests, Walls, Powerlessness and Disappointment. All for Grace, Mercy, Strength, Vigor, Forgiveness, Joy, Fulfillment, Purpose, Freedom and Love. Damn learning about narcissism was a test that lasted 5+ years now I gotta put everything to practice. Though I'm scared to rip off this armor cause I'm fucking weak. My tests have all piled up and damn must I say that's a shit tone of tests God. I thought it was fun to beat narcissism now I'm running out of the analysis portion of the test. And, got to be forged through adversity. I already came to far from anayzling my ways that I have to face the wall I can't go back. It truly is humongous. Atleast to the pitifully weak. I thought I was fr about beating narcissism I didn't know I'd have to move this weak body. Thinking is easy. Actions are hard. But there's nothing left to think about. No more excuse. And with the excessive amounts of pressure on me I'm feeling the weight gradually. Just know if I do this I will need support Lord. The amount of weight out there for me will crush me. I won't even be able to fix my face in front of the ones I love. I'm really thinking about changing more than I have before. I feel the conviction. Have mercy I'm a sinner. I'm preparing all my strength and might not move this weak body yet. I just know I'm closer than I ever been to moving. I can recognize my heart now. It's telling me to move. I hear it. I'm ignoring it because of how strong it would have to be to move. But, I will give it that chance soon. I just need to process this and gather my strength. Thank the good teachers God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit for this breakthrough and conviction. I take no credit for the ability to anayzle myself. I pray I can be a vessel for his divine will. I hope I'm not a stumbling block or a lier.