Religious rants

I listened to my pastor on tiktok today. And, he talked about how bloody the cross was. That being a Christian doesn't mean your not gonna have to go through things and everything is gonna go your way. The followers of Jesus in the bible had to go through many sufferings and had to bear the weight of there crosses. And, I realized I have to get down and dirty and bloody and shed some sweat and tears for the sake of the God I follow. The world may call me a narcissist a kind of parasite or a energy vampire. The world will say he doesn't have the love of God in him he's going to hell. The world may not include me in there prayers. But, you know what instead of feeling dispirit as if my weakness disqualifies me from the love of God. I know the truth... 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. So I boast in my weakness so his power can rest on me and be displayed through me. I am not dispirited by the afflictions of narcissism and schizophrenia. That's just the weight of the cross I carry. The weight is heavy but that's the cost. Faith costs you something. And, for the world who thinks lesser of me. 2 Corinthians 12:10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lol man the voices trying to blind me so hard bruh. I Just discovered one of the voices / demons biggest tactics. When I'm scared they say no one cares that you are scared to make me think Jesus doesn't care. But, I know the truth... 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. This is the proof I been looking for to stave off the voices. The voices try to cause anxiety Jesus takes it away. They want me to be anxious about my salvation and if jesus actually cares about a narcissist. I gottem now. Take this L I can see. Anyway, I have trouble believing that Jesus cares about us narcissist but I been currently dancing saying thorn in my flesh God is the best. Because I see the thorn as Jesus keeping me close to him. Paul had it because he was getting conceited. And, schizophrenia my thorn has helped me not be conceited. Before schizophrenia my ego was out of this world. Anyway, his grace is sufficient for me even though I pray for the thorn to be removed. Anyway, his power is made perfect in weakness. The thorn causes me to depend on him. And, I learned more about Jesus today than I would have if I didn't have the thorn.

I seriously would of went beyond insane if not for schizophrenia kicking my teeth in. That's scary to think about. Almost makes me not hate the voices / demonic oppression. All they do is exaggerate my darkness so I feel it. Feeling it sucks because it causes guilt, shame, despair, blindness, and condemnation. But, without them waking me up to my own flaws and darkness I would be lost cause somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy and I never would of known Jesus and built a relationship with him. They must didn't know how to destroy me. Or God wouldn't let them destroy me. I shouldn't be looking at the voices as being helpful and thinking man you helped me it was ultimately God who uses evil for good and allowed the persecution for my redemption. It was for a purpose. It's strange how things work out. The voices truly want to destroy me. But, God is so powerful that they end up causing me to flourish. He surely is sovereign over all things. All Glory to Jesus you truly cared enough to not let me go insane. This thorn in my flesh is just keeping me close to you. I'm happy thorn in my flesh God is the Best. I remember how these hardships saved me and what the hardships taught me. So I can say you are the best without being hurt. You don't take pleasure in suffering it's all for a redemptive purpose. Anyway, my gf was having nightmares everyday I told her to put two verses on a sticky note and hang it by her bed and the nightmares stopped. God is good. The verses was psalm 4:8 and 2 Timothy 1:7

1 Timothy 1:15 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. Paul said he is the worst or the chief in other translations to show there is no limit to God's grace and mercy. That no one is beyond redemption. Paul before his conversion persecuted the chruch beyond measure and actively tried to destroy it. But, God redeemed him. The story of paul let's me know it's gonna be alright even as a narcissist because paul said it is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance that Jesus came into the world to save sinners of whom I am the worst. I have trouble believing Jesus could love a narcissist especially with the schizophrenia voices trying to cause anxiety in my heart. But, I accept 1 Timothy 1:15 to be the truth. And, feel relieved. Not because I look down on paul and think myself better than paul before his conversion but because I also see myself as the worst sinner in my mind. In the Jesus Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector Luke 18:9–14 the two men went to the Temple to pray... The Pharisee: Stood proudly and boasted about his good deeds, using the opportunity to look down on others. The Tax Collector: Stood at a distance, refused to even look up, beat his chest in sorrow, and prayed, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Why he was justified: To be "justified" means to be declared righteous before God. The tax collector's prayer worked because it was an act of genuine repentance and humility. He acknowledged that he could not earn his way into God's favor through his behavior. Instead of just reciting a magical phrase, his actions demonstrated complete reliance on God's grace rather than his own good works.Jesus concluded the parable by noting that the tax collector went home justified—or made right with God—while the self-righteous Pharisee did not. I keep thinking that more self righteous I become the more God will love me. If i do everything right I can earn his love. Cause I'm to scared to just admit I'm a sinner and say I need mercy and ultimately rely on his grace and mercy cause I'm to scared he will forsake me. But, God said he will not forsake thee. Human effort alone cannot make a person righteous before God. Instead, righteousness is a gift of God's grace, applied to a believer through faith in Jesus Christ. I understand I can't earn it that I'm totally reliant on his grace and mercy. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I am the worst a narcissist but if what paul said is True then I need not be afraid. I can't look at myself and say God but what about my good deeds as if they could make me righteous before God all I can ask for is mercy for a sinner. The Pharisee trusted his performance the tax collector trusted God character and mercy. Paul confidence wasn't I finally became righteous enough it was Jesus is merciful enough. Paul final identity wasn't the persecutor the denier it was Apostle Paul of Christ Jesus. Narcissist isn't my final identity to Jesus I understand that now.

Finally understood what jumping to conclusions about God does to my faith instead of the the humble approach saying Lord I don't understand. GOD IS THE TRUTH and I finally understand that enough to not jump to another conclusion that is not the truth again. It's been a long time coming I was tired of operating off my own understanding. But, it's over I fully acknowledge the truth and I am a liar. Like the verse say let God be true and everyman a liar. This is my last day lying on God. I'm happy the understanding came on time before I got out of character. I'm swapping out jumping to conclusions and acknowledging I just don't understand. And, ask for understanding. Never will I hold a contradicting belief about who God is because I acknowledge him to be the truth no matter what may come to pass. I humbly thank the Lord for blessing me with this understanding even though I don't deserve it. His grace and mercy was much needed for I could not see on my own I could not do good on my own. Blessed are his tender mercies. I denied and raged about his character and instead of cursing me he blessed me with understanding I don't deserve. Freed from the snares of my own mind I can walk in truth unshaken that God is who he says he is. Thank you Lord for bringing to my attention what was keeping me from having a deeper faith. I'm happy to get closer with you. James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault."

I wonder how many people are atheist vs culturally religious. like, i dont go to church, dont pray unless shit gets bad, but i still practice lent. kinda like how most jews are atheist, but are simply involved in the religion because of cultural reasons. my mom says shes atheist, but i dont believe she really is. my grandmother was so religious she would go to church EVERY sunday, even if she was traveling, she would find a church if it was sunday, and all my aunts went to catholic school. imo humans are made to be religious, god or no god, it benefits us. on that note, always thought it was odd that they get to be like 'moms jewish, so am i,' but we catholics gotta jump through hoops to even be catholic to begin with (fuck you converts) really fucking annoying people use my religion as a larp. these fucking protestants (raised baptist or some ambiguous 'im christian uwu,' asshole your a protestant, no such thing as just christian) fractured catholisism, prosecuted us, and now they wanna larp as us??? fyi, most catholics are immigrants, you fucking chuckle nuts. you say you want a religious ethnostate (only based thing about nick fuentes is the idea of a protestant purge) but that would involve allying with the south US countries you hate so fucking much, because you were born as a fractured copy of my religion and now you hate being on shakey ground, so you cling to my beautifully organized and excruciating faith. go larp as as eastern european orthodox christian if you want an oldschool fundamentalist religion. absolutely pathetic.

i guess, in short, i really really dislike protestants. american protestants are lil freaks, a very very close family friend was a pentecostal, and though that is one of the craziest sects (and he was also crazy kek) he was still super nice and self sacrificing. its hard to tell whats real altruism and what is 'goodwill tithing' bullshit. tithing is so disgusting, he did that as well. same with mormons, they seem really nice. and amish folks (since thats technically a religion as well) but atleast these guys are nice. w.a.s.ps are just as bad as evangelicals, entities that even jesus would go into a blind rage over.

Isaiah 48:10 10 Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. Proverbs 17:3 3 The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart. The Meaning of the Furnaces: In biblical times, a crucible was used to test and refine silver, which required a lower heat. A blazing furnace was used for gold, requiring a much hotter temperature to burn away impurities."Not As Silver": When God says he refined Israel "not as silver," He means He did not use a mild or light test. He put them through the "furnace of gold" (the furnace of affliction). I have no problem with schizophrenia. As a Christian I know it's just the furnace baby. God didn't choose the crucible for me. He choose the furnace of affliction that produces Gold. I'm afflicted with both narcissism and schizophrenia that's not a light test or small heat. But, Jesus has been so caring and blessed me with everything I need to pass the test. Life has been for the most part handed to me. So I can't complain about my afflictions. The voices know us humans are moldable like clay so they said let's make it pitch black for him. But, guess what Jesus hands are also in the mix. Isaiah 64:8: "Yet, Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter. We all are the work of your hand." Little did they know pitch black darkness was the perfect furnace environment. Pitch black darkness puts you in a much needed survival mode. You either struggle to find light that can stay lite or you give in to despair and darkness. Having your light under attack constantly trains you to be a warrior who can see through attacks who can negate attacks who's light can stand through adversity, persecution, and condemnation. Now I don't negate every attack some attacks can be helpful to Crack the rigid ego of a narcissist who don't understand the pain his actions cause. And, refuses awareness of the pain. So let them dog pile my ass sometimes as a painful reminder that I hurt people. But, I will not despair and allow my view of myself to become pitch black like before. The voices mold me to acknowledge my darkness and drown in it. And, Jesus molds me back to the light. I go back and forth. Until I'm purified. It sure is amazing how all things work for the Good of God. Thorn in my flesh God is the best baby. All Glory to Jesus for allowing me this understanding. Romans 5:3-4 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. Edit: I can stand firm in Christ, myself, and my beliefs. And, not let the voices mold me at all. I'm firm enough. I just don't want to abuse Jesus mercy. I know that these ass kicking have my name on it because I refuse to change. So I rather get my ass kicked from time to time and have Jesus gentle guidance. More chance of success. Narcissism is hard.