(2:58 AM Mon.) I decided to do a skincare routine before bed with the products I got for my Birthday...skin care is something I've never done before at all because I really suck at taking care of myself. I exfoliated my skin and cleansed my face with the face wash my parents got me this year, then I applied the body oil I also got as a gift, then I applied the lipgloss my eldest sister bought me when we went to the mall yesterday. It turns out the lipgloss is a color changing one, so when I looked up into the mirror, I was surprised to see my lips a deep, rosey pink. I think another thing that shocked me was how I felt good doing that for myself...I even thought I looked pretty, to which I started to tear up and looked away from the mirror. I mentioned before in this thread of mine about how much I've fell out of taking care of myself or doing/wearing the things I've loved as a little girl due to my own insecurities, but simply washing my face made me feel proud and I hope the three year old me would be happy at being pampered like this. I have received many compliments from people who think I'm pretty...but it can be hard to believe it when you don't believe that yourself, and even when/if I do think I am, I feel guilty about it and try to stop thinking I'm pretty or something. I have stated it in another thread before, about how I hope to better take care of myself and to grow past my own mind that holds me back. Maybe this is the start to it? Either way, such a small thing made me really happy and emotional lol, but I thank my sisters for bombarding our parents to get me beauty stuff...cause I don't think I would have ever asked for it myself.

It isn't the winter soldier though his character makes a brief appearance. It's more of a sci-fi mystery. Sam Wilson is more interesting with how he handles his fights compared to Steve Rogers. More thinking and detective work involved rather than relying on super powers to solve everything. So I didn't find it mid nor was it a beat for beat telling of older Captain America films. It did have its own story to tell apart from the legacy films it has to follow up from. In a way I felt like the character of Sam had more in common with the detective side of Batman from DC with his own Robin sidekick. I say this movie is worth the watch. Most complaints are less directed at the actual film and about the other Disney Marvel projects surrounding it. More like the film is guilty by association of other parts of the industry. Personally I liked the characters in this movie and didn't feel anything was terrible enough to want to walk out.

Please let me know if I talk to much yall and if the stuff I talk about makes anyone uncomfortable. I clog up the forums alot with my bullshit. Let me know and I'll stop doing it. 1 Corinthians 5:5 You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. This is how I feel as a narcissist. Like I was casted out of the (congregation/something holy) and delivered straight to satan with no choice but understand the seriousness of sin and to repent and to destroy my flesh to escape his grasp. Spiritual Impact The goal is not to inflict physical harm, but to shock the individual into realizing the seriousness of their sin and hopefully lead them to repentance. I never understood what sin would of been so great for me to have to live such a empty life as a narcissist never knowing love. It always seemed so unfair. Does God love me? Does God hate me? Did I even come from God? Am I cursed? Am I fake? Can I even be saved? How do I please God without love? But, I now realize it's the sin itself god hates not me. I'm one of his precious children. He wants me to turn from it and hate it like he does. It's sin itself why I'm this way. Sin is a serious offense. Everyone of them was serious. I didn't understand what I did to warrant the narcissist disease. It wasn't the 1 or the 2 everyone of them was serious. To think lighter of them in the face of judgment or while you remain unharmed will only cause you greater harm. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. I'm no longer confused by his heavy hand upon my life and infact I see God's mercy on others unlike me. I understand now my only way to escape Satan's grasp is to destroy my flesh so my spirit can escape him. I can't escape him by continuing to live in the flesh. I use to be pathetically and viscerally envious of the fact that hearts have been granted but I am without one in the wilderness. That's the lie that was sold to me. That I am without a heart. The truth is I have one like everyone else. It might not be as perfect as I'd like it to be. But it's mine. I've always judged it for what it can't do but never listened or noticed what it can do. I was to busy being envious and chasing after that perfect heart God has hidden from me. Why God? Why can't I have it? I can't do right without it. The lie runs deep. I can do right because I already have one it's not perfect but it guides me just like all the rest. I may not have heart+ with all the sick addons but it gets the job done. I abandoned my own heart because it didn't meet my expectations of what a heart should be like. It should be like his. It should be like hers. It should be perfect. Maybe it should be just like mine. I was so engrossed by the beauty of others hearts that I held my heart hostage to those standards. I said to myself I must not have one because it's not doing the same as there's. I'm sorry heart. Why would God grant me that new one when I didn't take care of the first one. Now that I look at it I know I had a part in turning it to stone. In my conscience I can hear it but I been disregarding it. Why did you turn my heart to stone God? He was only going off what I was doing. I didn't wanna hear from my heart. I didn't even know it was my heart talking. To selfish and involved in my own ways to listen to what my heart has to say. I didn't even know I had one or that it was talking to me. They told me I had no such thing. I been treating it like it was unwanted noise. I'm just now putting 2 and 2 together. Praise the good teachers God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for allowing me to work somethings out in my head. I just hope and pray I'm a useful vessel. I pray the lord forgives me of my sins. I hope I'm not just spreading lies. I hope I'm not a stumbling block.