I want a heart so bad. But, it can be a beautiful or vile thing. Maybe it's to powerful for me. Heartbreak can cause people to do some insane things like kill there partner. I've heard it literally hurts so much. That's crazy I will never understand. Walking that thin line between great elevation and severe pain. What does it all mean? I just have my mind and spirit. And, it's still easy to get corrupted. I can't imagine the influx of corrupted emotions in the mix. But, I'm willing to take that chance. People have so much hate in there hearts it's become vile. Maybe I'm as free as I am and can think straight because no one has damaged me. But, still a life trying to build meaning out of nothing is not a life. But, yall scare me with your hearts some of them are vile some of them are beautiful. And, it's also the fact that your fragile. That scares me the most.

pay gorn

Dropping off my niece to my brother. Been baby sitting her last week and having her enjoy my butterfly garden. Now I can reward myself with some game time!

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Today I tried that workout I talked about the other day. I couldn’t do the dips and pullups that well, but I did 15 dips, 35 pull ups, and 100 push ups within my hour session not counting including my leg workouts. I did pretty good but I am so sore. I went to an all you can eat Indian food buffet afterwards and ate 4 plates of food lol

I found the perfect practice for a narcissist like me. Who doesn't care when stuff gets hard. It's to try not to worry Jesus. I been worrying about myself and what can he do for me and not caring about how much all this hurts him. That's ok for a normal human pretty normal development path. But, I'm a narcissist known for being selfish what a perfect thing to practice to decrease someone else worry and carry burden cause I'm definitely not good at it yet. I been real with God told him no more performing from me no more fake. If I don't want to do it I won't until he puts a heart in me. But, I found myself understanding how beneficial decreasing someone worry can be to a guy like me. So I'm back with the program the voices don't like it they was quiet all week till I decided to start back giving a care about God that let's me know they trying to keep me from something valuable or they wouldn't be fussing. I might can't feel love but love is more than a feeling it's a action. I don't know nothing that puts more pressure than God if I can still love him care for him not worry him despite how much I hate burdens. Then I can maybe grow strong enough and smart enough to care for the people in my life. Edit: my selfishness has diminished in relation to God i don't know by how much yet. I just had to know my place I'm not normal so I don't get to complain and be selfish with God expecting things but don't want to do things for him or care about him. I can actually learn from how not to twist love when burdened. I'm already deep in selfishness and took a hard look at myself and I think something has to be done to strengthen my resolve to care about others. What best way to start by caring about God surely the trails and tribulations will come and test me though i hope they don't. Not sure I'm gonna ace but I got a new mindset to try and a goal that might be in line with God goal. I been acting like I'm normal instead of someone who has repeatedly failed to love others because it was to hard. Before I flunk I gotta carry some burdens. The flesh doesn't but the spirit do. So some kind of way I gotta get strong.