@gabriel_true Day 101: I'm tearing up in a closet rn, Gabby. I bet at this point you are wondering what the crap is up with me and this closet all the time lol, but I sit in here because it's getting cold in our room and the closet is warmer than out there. Anyways, I usually hate to talk about problems I'm having cause I feel really burdensome to others when I do it...but, as you aren't actively online, doing so is a bit easier. Me and my baby brothers Birthday is coming up soon, idk if you remember that it's March 1st, but there's the date for you–but, idk if I'm happy about it? It's not that I don't want to celebrate it...I really, reeeeally do, but there's a thing that God has instructed my sisters and I not to do right now that I can't explain in detail yet (if at all) that is not allowing me to celebrate how we traditionally do...and it's really hard for me. There's a plethora of other things that are making me feel really sad right now that isn't just that, and it's just irritating to me. I end up getting stressed out by myself because I know my self-doubt/hate is really a cycle and it's something I am trying to fight against, but I also feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I know that I need to surrender it to God, but I feel like I don't actually know how to surrender it wholly unto Him and it irritates me–I irritate me. God has promised me (individually), my sisters and my family so many great things, and yet I feel like I'm not truly worthy of such things. This process God is having my older sisters and I going through is extremely difficult at times cause I feel like it'd be easier of a journey without me, but, I know I shouldn't be thinking that way BECAUSE I know what He's said about us three being together for such a time as this. I've also been thinking about cutting my hair cause I feel like it's beauty is wasted on me. I don't take care of it properly, and it hurts me because I truly want to, but I never do it like I say, and so I start to tell myself God wasted His time on creating such long, curly hair for someone like me...which is really rude to Him because-to reiterate: I KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE. I really am tired of thinking this way...because in all honesty, I can't bring this mindset with ne where God wants to take me, but I feel like I don't know how to properly give it away to Him. - I Love You, Gabby, and I'm Sorry For The Sad Post: Wei-Wei

(7:04 PM Sat.) I'm crying over a heart that was given to me today. I haven't been doing my best internally lately...I keep doubting myself about certain things happening in my life recently and, in all honesty, just being a huge jerk to me. It's something I have been really fighting against and yesterday I just went to sleep early (for me anyway) and silently cried myself to sleep (I didn't want my sisters to hear me). Before I drifted off, I remember asking God to truly just help me with myself, because I know I am my own biggest enemy most days tbh...and I even told Him that sometimes I feel like I don't hear Him anymore or He's not listening to me (which I know isn't true, but I felt honesty with God is better since He knows it all). Today, after our mom came home from grocery shopping with our baby brother, she rushed downstairs and burst into the closet I was sitting in (cause it's cold over here recently), excitement on her face as she cups something in her hands. She tells me that she almost forgot to give this to me, but she found it after exiting the store she went to (which is truly surprising as our mom hates picking up random items from the ground outside) and really felt like I needed this item. My mom un-cups her hands and within them is a bedazzled heart (I really love hearts/heart-shaped things). It's kind of dented in one corner and is missing exactly three sparkles, to which mom apologized for giving me someone else's junk, but...she truly doesn't know how much I love it and needed it. God immediately spoke to me after my mom shut the door...He said that He always hears me and loves me. That just in the way that my mom looked at that dirty, slightly worn and busted heart on the ground but still saw the value in it, that He still sees value in me no matter how battered and weary I may feel at the moment. So, yeah, I am forever treasuring this little heart I've been gifted forever. ❤️

My gf likes to give me kisses and hugs for long periods of time. We had to talk after I asked AI what should I do if I have dark thoughts and my nervous system gets over stimulated and I want to escape from prolonged closeness. AI said I shouldn't self violate and endure it for her happiness. AI said I should talk to her. So I did. I just told her I'm still learning how to recieve love so shorter durations of closeness won't overwhelm me. And, that I love all the affection she gives and that she did nothing wrong all she's doing is giving me unconditional love. It's my fault my system can't recieve it. I told her she doesn't have to hold back loving me because she said she just misses me and loves me and wants to cherish our time and me and not have any regrets so I told her it's fine just give me a break once in a while so my nervous system can process and reset and get use to closeness. She was happy I told her how I feel. Seeing her cry from how much she loves me touched me so I can remember this closeness doesn't want to hurt me it's only love.

Man, I still have those songs I wrote and I'm really happy with them, but I just have such AI fatigue of hearing half-assed AI slop on youtube. I can now make short animated 2d AI gens which could add some flair to my songs but it would be my worst nightmare to release some AI slop. Even with the paid annual subcription I have for video gens it's probably going to take me at least 2 months to save up the credits to make enough animations for a single song. Someday, though.