Tonight my nervous system updated. I'm always in terror that my lack of emotions will be seen and judged. And, I'm just like how come my baby can't see the terror on my face. But, what she sees is consistency, care, presence, effort. Tonight I understood she really loves me and would never hurt me I felt safe enough to breakdown I didn't but I wanted to I just shed a few tears told her it's hard I'm trying my best to love you. She made the horror go away because she already accepted me. My nervous system updated because for the first time I felt seen but still loved. My nervous system learned I can be seen and not destroyed. I experienced being held without being judged. I can't keep bracing with horror with thoughts of being destroyed I'm safe and deeply loved. Maybe I can relax more now I have a memory of acceptance to ward off the horror.

I'm new hear and i'm just looking for some friends that also likes anime and if I could be so lucky I would like to find a girlfriend also

@gabriel_true Day 101: I'm tearing up in a closet rn, Gabby. I bet at this point you are wondering what the crap is up with me and this closet all the time lol, but I sit in here because it's getting cold in our room and the closet is warmer than out there. Anyways, I usually hate to talk about problems I'm having cause I feel really burdensome to others when I do it...but, as you aren't actively online, doing so is a bit easier. Me and my baby brothers Birthday is coming up soon, idk if you remember that it's March 1st, but there's the date for you–but, idk if I'm happy about it? It's not that I don't want to celebrate it...I really, reeeeally do, but there's a thing that God has instructed my sisters and I not to do right now that I can't explain in detail yet (if at all) that is not allowing me to celebrate how we traditionally do...and it's really hard for me. There's a plethora of other things that are making me feel really sad right now that isn't just that, and it's just irritating to me. I end up getting stressed out by myself because I know my self-doubt/hate is really a cycle and it's something I am trying to fight against, but I also feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I know that I need to surrender it to God, but I feel like I don't actually know how to surrender it wholly unto Him and it irritates me–I irritate me. God has promised me (individually), my sisters and my family so many great things, and yet I feel like I'm not truly worthy of such things. This process God is having my older sisters and I going through is extremely difficult at times cause I feel like it'd be easier of a journey without me, but, I know I shouldn't be thinking that way BECAUSE I know what He's said about us three being together for such a time as this. I've also been thinking about cutting my hair cause I feel like it's beauty is wasted on me. I don't take care of it properly, and it hurts me because I truly want to, but I never do it like I say, and so I start to tell myself God wasted His time on creating such long, curly hair for someone like me...which is really rude to Him because-to reiterate: I KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE. I really am tired of thinking this way...because in all honesty, I can't bring this mindset with ne where God wants to take me, but I feel like I don't know how to properly give it away to Him. - I Love You, Gabby, and I'm Sorry For The Sad Post: Wei-Wei

(7:04 PM Sat.) I'm crying over a heart that was given to me today. I haven't been doing my best internally lately...I keep doubting myself about certain things happening in my life recently and, in all honesty, just being a huge jerk to me. It's something I have been really fighting against and yesterday I just went to sleep early (for me anyway) and silently cried myself to sleep (I didn't want my sisters to hear me). Before I drifted off, I remember asking God to truly just help me with myself, because I know I am my own biggest enemy most days tbh...and I even told Him that sometimes I feel like I don't hear Him anymore or He's not listening to me (which I know isn't true, but I felt honesty with God is better since He knows it all). Today, after our mom came home from grocery shopping with our baby brother, she rushed downstairs and burst into the closet I was sitting in (cause it's cold over here recently), excitement on her face as she cups something in her hands. She tells me that she almost forgot to give this to me, but she found it after exiting the store she went to (which is truly surprising as our mom hates picking up random items from the ground outside) and really felt like I needed this item. My mom un-cups her hands and within them is a bedazzled heart (I really love hearts/heart-shaped things). It's kind of dented in one corner and is missing exactly three sparkles, to which mom apologized for giving me someone else's junk, but...she truly doesn't know how much I love it and needed it. God immediately spoke to me after my mom shut the door...He said that He always hears me and loves me. That just in the way that my mom looked at that dirty, slightly worn and busted heart on the ground but still saw the value in it, that He still sees value in me no matter how battered and weary I may feel at the moment. So, yeah, I am forever treasuring this little heart I've been gifted forever. ❤️