Confessions

I use to want to be a UFC fighter. But, 5 years of getting my mind together left me without the demons of the heart that made me feel strong and fueled my advancement towards that goal. Now I feel weak, unmotivated, and incapable of drawing from the old sources because they were resolved. Now I question if it's me that really wanted to fight now that I have to rely on my own strength without the same edge. It feels silly trying to force that edge when it's gone. If I were to force it I feel it would be just a shadow of the authentic version I knew. I'm quite comfortable in life all my needs are meet. Maybe more comfortable than I should be. My desire for more grows dimmer as the day passes. The what if seeming less feasible as the days go bye. Especially without the same edge that made it a joy to hit a bag and to watch mixed martial arts. The fire is missing and I'm not struggling so I'm just like meh. Now I'm just at the point where I'm asking myself even without the boosted impulses, edge, hurt, joy do I still have what it takes now that my driving factors were resolved. Do I see potential in myself to be great without that same edge. Right now I'm conflicted. I have unlimited free time and money. It's just my ego is deflated because my edge is gone. Not sure I can reach the same type of outputs as before when I felt gifted. Rn I feel I still have talent but I'm not mad as I use to be. Anger use to push me to the edge during workouts to the point I felt like I won't ever stop punching. My conditioning was emaculate then. Now I'm just not angry so now it feels like a job I'm completely apart of rather than being fueled without realizing your working. That's my problem I don't wanna realize I'm working I just wanna be carried away in the act. Music helps me tap back into the old me I just hate and love being so angry so I don't know what to do. I'm torn. I feels wrong and right at the same time. I just want to use my anger to train without rest but I feel dirty and silly now considering the person I've become. I wanna tap back into my old self and just change what I'm angry about. But, I also hate getting a big head. Back in the day it didn't bother me it also helped fuel me. But, I know I'm a narcissist now I hate to see myself victim to my own ego again. I'm contemplating is there a way to do this healthily. I heard there are healthy egos just being what I am makes me not want to grow mine. I know anger isn't the best in a sport like UFC I just wanna use it for conditioning or else it's a boring ass job like any other. I just can't seem to give myself permission to be angry cause it seems wrong :(

I confess it's always strange when i dream about someone from here. Especially if I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought of them in a long time.