Vent

Fuck this phone. Apparently people are under the impression I like talking. I can't wait for my controller to come in so I can put on my noise canceling headphones and ignore the world for a while.

Sometimes it feels easier to tell myself I'm alone than to accept that I actually have friends. I am afraid I'll end up hurting them, and so I do, I ask myself if I'm simply just too advanced, or maybe I really am the asshole that people think.

I've been a emotional wreck today, I don't know why, nor do I fucking like it. I guess life picks on the best of us, but me? Shit. Why me?

It was funny, actually. Those poor dumb bastards...aka...Teachers. They had a couple fire trucks there and at the end they started spraying water, the kids were supposed to take turns... Ha! Nope. A couple hundred kids just took off running across the field towards the fire trucks while me and my son's class went inside. Oh, the hilarity.lol

Thing is, I'm a damned addict. I thought I was healing but I was too blind. Because really, I hadn't changed a bit since before. I'm sick of alcohol and I'm sick of drugs and smoking. I keep hurting people around me. I should probably just go to rehab or get medical help... I wanted to do that as a last resort but... I don't want to even see another bottle of alcohol, or any kind of drug ever again, but here I am... Drinking and smoking like there's no tomorrow... I even swore to Chiari that I would stop...

Here's the deal, addiction sucks, it's crippling, but as you've found out,it ALWAYS hurts those you love. If you love them,if you love YOURSELF, you will find a way. There are many resources and many routes, the only mindset you need is to at least start taking that first step. If you don't, if you sink into self pity because you "can't" get out of the addiction or "won't" or maybe it's because you're scared... Well, my man, ain't no one coming to save you and that desolation is far, far worse than the struggle to sobriety ever could be. So, what's stopping you from taking that first step? What's stopping you from your fullest and best potential? You know the "who" already. I know you're not asking for help and fuck if I know what I'm saying, but I figured it couldn't hurt to say my piece.

Thanks for that and whatnot, but I'm thinking it's just one of those moments, if you get what I'm saying. I'm not exactly being harmful, just impulsive. I mean. The people truly close to me understand what I do, and they all basically run a hugging stall. They know I need help, so what's keeping them from forgiving me? I wasn't really terrorizing. Much more just hurling mean things and insults. I said what was on my mind in the moment, and now that I've had a chat with them, the guilt is finding its way out. Means this whole vent is a waste of my time. What an overthinking guy I am. Maybe that needs work too.