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Starting to understand the core wound of narcissism better... It says what about me. Am I in this and that did they forget about me? I'm great did they forget about me? I have to remind them. Some uncontrollable deep desire inside me wants to be acknowledged and not forgotten. The counter I found is saying what about you as if you require special attention because in your mind you feel special. Still trying to figure it out maybe more will come to me. Trying to be more grounded. I'm glad nobody here treated me special or I would of missed this gap in my awareness. I gotta work this out with God.

I hate when most people only know me as the guy who carries hot sauces and feeds hummingbirds, but dgaf about my otaku hobbies and nerdy music tastes. They prefer me to be in the culture of religious, traditional, uncultured neurotypicals (people free of physical and mental disorders) which is quite literally about conformity and people-pleasing. You are expected to lie and put on performances for others.

That verse from I think Adele song where she says... I can't love you in the dark it feels like we oceans apart It stuck with me it's hard to love God when we going through trails and tribulations and feel like we in darkness it can feel like we oceans apart from God. In the darkness when everything is going bad it's hard to love God. We can't see his grace, mercy, favor, and love in the dark. It feels like his love is oceans apart from us. The tension from trying to love God when it's truly dark is real that's why that verse hits so hard to me because my heart desires and wants to love God even in the dark but I find myself failing. I see things are going bad so God must be far from me that's what your eyes tell you. Faith says... 2 Corinthians 5:7 7 For we walk by faith, not by sight Isaiah 41:10 10 So do not fear, for I am with you do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Tried to keep it short.

Kinda glad i didnt go the marine route now.... https://youtu.be/6xi-TGVo-s8?si=Fm--SQvs80jcVGmW

Welp guess im playing PEAK! https://youtu.be/DllRqzSwliY?si=UrmoSdGRqb9G4EIA

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