Being a narcissist and schizophrenic is tricky and hard. Cause on one end your a narcissist who did terrible things. And, on the other end your schizophrenic so the voices abuse feels normal. You learn to accept the abuse as a way of life. But, I realized the voices only want the annihilation of my self worth. They want me blind to the fact that even with narcissistic traits and patterns that does not mean I STOP BEING HUMAN or become UNWORTHY OF COMPASSION. My gf has alot of compassion for me. My baby momma has alot of compassion for me. My mom has alot of compassion for me. So why do I think God wouldn't have compassion on me when he's better than all of us. I know how to maintain self worth / self esteem cause I fought for 7 years and accomplished alot. But, the voices have a trick if they tell you enough times how worthless you is you begin to think you belong there under there torment. I don't belong in a place of no compassion. I don't belong in a place that eats up my compassion for myself. And, staying there only makes me blind to those who would have compassion on me. They just want me use to staying in that place of no compassion they create so I think it's normal. It's not normal people can have compassion on themselves. People have showed me compassion. God is more compassionate than I realize. I'm not some non human blight you can just beat and I'm supposed to shrivel up and take it and agree this is what i deserve. I'm also human and allowed to have compassion on myself. I know they just want to annihilate my self worth. God often gives us better than we deserve. But, they would try to trick me that there is no compassion for me. They would try to trick me out of compassion for myself. Anyway, that's all I have to say on the subject. Glory to Jesus for helping me understand this

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After I confirmed my doctor's appointment for tomorrow someone tells me their doctor accepts walk in patients and says they'd be happy to see me today. Too bad the office for the former already told me it's $50 to cancel. Oh well. Sucks cuz I actually want to see a specialist today actually. In a fair amount of discomfort and last night my foot was throbbing.

Last minute I went to a concert in Orlando to see Essenger. A techno artist with association to the Lego Bionicle fandom having done the As Above So Below fan game trailer for Masks of Power. I decided to bring Matoro along. It was a blast and met some new friends there. I reccomend listening to the songs Empire of Steel, Mothman and Bloodsucker.

"Calm is what you have to be when people look to you, and it's all you can be when things are out of your hands" - Colonel Hsu, Fallout New Vegas