(8:22 PM Wed.) I finally got to get something off my mind that's been there for awhile, and it isn't a bad thought, just something that's been there for quite a bit. Our other sister was in the shower, so I decided to bring up something I've noticed about her to our eldest sister just to see if I'm the only one who's noticed it. So, me and our eldest sister were talking about how interesting it is that people process thoughts differently, and how due to the differentiation of words/thoughts/feelings when talking, that everyone structures their sentences differently: word usage, details, etc. That topic caused us to talk about how each of our family members talk, and our other sister tends to switch between topics A LOT, yet she kind of does it in a word association kind of way. Like, she can talk about so many different things in one breath, yet connect them together like a puzzle you didn't realize fit together, or like constellations in the sky. I started to mention other quirks of our sister that I've noticed, cause that's my twin and we've shared a room/space since forever, I wanted to ask our eldest sister if she's noticed those things too. I told our eldest sister that I'm not trying to speak/claim anything over our other sister, but that sometimes I wonder if our sister is neurodivergent in some ways. I don't think my twin seems like someone that would have Autism (but I'm no doctor so what do I know? Lol), but I could see her having a high functioning ADHD (but again, I don't know much, so...grain of salt here). My twin loves rocking (which I know can be a form of comfort or regulation for some neurodivergent people) a lot...and she definitely could be a neurotypical who loves rocking (because that IS a possibility), but it's the way she does certain things that makes me smile and wonder about it. She also blows on her fingers occasionally, it's not a constant thing when she eats, but she does/can do it after touching certain foods (if not food in general). She also rubs surfaces in a rhythmic/patterned kind of way, different from the way my eldest sister or I would touch something–like, take her soft blanket as an example: she caresses it with her fingertips more so rather than fully petting/stroking it like how one may sometimes regularly feel a texture; she also does the same to our carpet and the edge of her glass cups rim when she drinks from it too. I can also do those things, and it's hard to explain when you can't see it yourself, but it's the pattern/way my twin does it that I find interesting. I never ask her that out loud because 1. She didn't ask and 2. I don't possibly want her to hyperfixate/focus on those things that I love about her and start worrying about them when they aren't bothersome, cause at the end of the day she's my sister, and those things-whether she's neurotypical/divergent-she does are HER adorably unique quirks that I adore. But...sometimes I think maybe I love watching my sister too much? XD

@gabriel_true Day 84: I slept in really late today, but it's because I've been staying up freakishly early again (which I need to NOT do). I woke up with a swollen right eye, clogged nose and puffy upper lip, and it's not from sickness, so my only other guesses are: 1. Bitten by something in my sleep or 2. The weather is messing with me rn (but not in the getting sick sort of way). I hope nothing is biting you in your sleep, Gabby, and that you're having a great week. - My Lip Still Feels A Bit Funny: Fat Lip M'gee

Jack of All Trades Party of None (Yuusha Party wo Oidasareta Kiyou Binbou) So far the plot has been pretty basic and predictable, as far as the protagonist getting kicked out of they the hero party because they mistakenly undervalue his skills. But despite the plot following the cliche, it hasn't been boring. It could be interesting to see where they take this one.

I'll try sticking to simpler meals it's kinda exhausting always trying to plan and prep meals. Also gonna give chicken leg quarters a shot.

Nobody thinks we can change is why my mouth can't stop. I must be vocal that I'm fighting. This is the last thing I must get off my chest before I surrender all plans to Jesus. I'm ready to see myself not at the center of things. Releasing Control Narcissists try to control how people see them. Because of there profound insecurity, fragile sense of self esteem, and fragile ego. If people don't see them how they see themselves for some reason it hurts our pride. Narcissists think your uncontrolled view of them is a threat to the perfect image of themselves. Narcissist think your uncontrolled view of them is a threat to there control. We seek control due to excessive pride in ourselves. I understand now we can't control our pride that's the problem. We take pride in seeing ourselves reflected back to us. And, if we can't control that it hurts our pride, ego, and self esteem. Because we crave constant validation, attention, and supply to feel good about ourselves. Our pride and infatuation with our reflection / ourselves won't let us see people for people but a reflection of ourselves. We get mad that people don't reflect us but reflect themselves. We get mad cause we are prideful in our persistence to see ourselves in control. We get mad reality doesn't align with the reality of our grandiose self. The terror that no one was powerful enough or in control enough to stop us as a young kid from getting hurt is behind it all. So a defense mechanism formed a survival pattern. It's the belief you need control to create predictably in a chaotic world. And, that your special enough to be in control because protecting yourself matters so you won't be exposed to emotions of powerlessness, worthlessness, vulnerability, emptiness, insecurity, and shame again. We can't handle threats to our grandiose image cause it makes us feel emotions we don't know how to handle. I finally realized today in my mind that I'm thinking please see me this way are they seeing me the way I wanna be seen and confirming my importance. When it shouldn't matter how people see me. I give up the illusion of control and accept that someone greater than I is in Control and that is Jesus. I thought I was in the perfect position being a narcissist to come clean and help anayzle the world to help people not make mistakes that can be taken advantage of by others like me. Things got a bit grandiose the more I fought this disease and the more I analyzed humanity and my mistakes the more perfect I felt for this world. I thought I had to tell em there mistakes and my mistakes and tell narcissist how to heal because I'm the only one who cares. I thought they had to see me how I see myself. Cause I really thought I was the only one who cares for them. I do care. But, it doesn't excuse my need for control. I realized there all ready is someone perfect for this world. I tried to make myself perfect for the world to explain it but I'm not perfect. I'm imperfect. I realize the Savior Jesus was already perfect and is fighting for us. So I release the illusion of control and trust in Jesus. And, give up the grandiose image that I could be a Savior. I give up my plans for control and accept things how they are. I accept people how they are. Even with unpredictability I have faith everything will be ok. Cause I know I fought hard. So how much harder will Jesus fight for us. I can't imagine. Self Esteem People with narcissistic patterns are often insecure and dependent on validation because we feel empty, ashamed, and doubtful of ourselves. Our ego is fragile, and we have an underdeveloped sense of self with little internal self-esteem. We look to others to confirm our worth and identity because we don’t trust our own perception of ourselves. I finally have enough self-esteem for myself because my girlfriend loved me back toward wholeness and validated the work I’ve done. I didn’t just change in my head — I did hard internal work fighting narcissistic patterns and then put that work into action through showing up, restraint, and consistency. My girlfriend responded positively, and that response confirmed reality: something in me really did change. That confirmation stabilized my self-esteem enough for me to stand on my own two feet. That isn’t dependency. That is healthy reinforcement. Humans do not self-generate identity in a vacuum. Hearing my girlfriend say she doesn’t see me as a monster, but as someone who is a really good partner — someone she is madly in love with and thankful for — filled something in me that couldn’t be repaired in isolation. Those words helped mend a broken self-love container. For the first time, I thought: maybe I do have good traits, and maybe my identity is more than shame. I fought for those traits, but I couldn’t see them clearly until someone else reflected them back to me. Narcissistic patterns are rooted in self-doubt — we don’t trust ourselves. Hearing her say she’s happy gave me enough self-esteem and self-love to stand on my own two feet. Me… I made someone happy? That realization changed how I see myself. Now I recognize how fragile my ego becomes when it lacks validation, and I plan to regulate the emotions that come with that fragility. I track these patterns. I foresee the opportunities where I’ll be tested, and I intend to meet them. I’m ready. Self-worth isn’t about chasing validation — it’s about looking inward, identifying real traits you’ve developed, and acknowledging them honestly. I can do that now. I still self-doubt, probably because learning not to trust myself was necessary to make progress against these patterns. Now I have to balance that — giving myself self-love while staying vigilant — because there is still a lot of work to do. I pray Jesus humbles me and my pride.

Woohoo! Brick City Anime Festival in Ocala Florida this weekend! Any Florida's there will find me in my usual Sanji Cosplay. Been steadily working on an upgrade to it for the convention after this. But oh Lord my wallet will suffer from autographs. We got a premium lineup of characters I can get stuff signed for. We have the voices of Inosuke from Demon Slayer, Eren from Attack on Titan, Chopper from One Piece, Holo from Spice & Wolf, Ryuko from Kill la Kill, Megumin from KonoSuba and Shantae from the Wayforward game series. There is also the trio of the Spy x Family cast.

OP https://youtu.be/rBSfI10pXHM?si=bjH3UozYMfNldf10 https://youtu.be/mHTWL0QQP-o?si=2tfdsYI8Quc1DYn4 https://youtu.be/xQKlfIeqTGM?si=k5yvE8jRHCYuNaAi ED https://youtu.be/AZl8UDsqsoM?si=B3JJ73qFbUSWmC1q

I hope your hip goes out and you fall down some stairs midway step. I hope all that fried chicken and cigarettes at your old geezer age catch up with you and fuck you up. I hope your taste buds disappear and that you burn your food Everytime you cook. I hope it takes you a little longer to get out of bed everyday and you feel less rested every night. I hope your kids don't put you in a home and just put you in a corner so you can be ignored.

@willworkforisekai Of course! And that sounds like a good plan. I hope you are able to relax in the ways you want to then. ❤️