I saw 3 bad omens this morning, 1. A car was on fire on the shoulder of the highway. 2. Street lights were out right 3. Workplace had no lights at all and door was closed, waited 20 mintues then went home lmao.

I'm not a pastor so this is just a man trying to understand God. I found when a pastor gives a harsh word it often times make people fall away from the faith. Here's what I learned from giving up on God for a couple days. People don't like a harsh word because it breaks there illusion of security and replaces that security with a impossible standard they must meet to feel secure. It feels like your on thin ice instead of the solid rock foundation Jesus is. When you realize you can't be perfect the weight becomes to heavy and that's when people start walking away from the faith. Because they feel insecure and heavily burden. The burden of trying to be perfect and the spiritual anxiety / insecurity of not knowing if your good enough to be safe makes alot of people fall away from the faith. Including myself. It's the fact that the word took your security away and you no longer feel safe for being who you are and where you are. People normally do one of 3 things after noticing that. 1. Some give up the faith to escape the constant feeling of guilt and inadequacy cause they know they can't be perfect and carry this heaven burden and they want to feel secure again for who they are and where they are. 2. They start to perform out of fear or as a bargain as if they can purchase safety with there good performance they always feel like they on thin ice with God never seeing Jesus as a solid foundation which to have hope in putting more focus on who they are rather than who Jesus is. I found myself at 3. 3. We are meant to be secure in God, but true security is rooted entirely in His faithfulness, not in the false confidence that we have done everything right. If you feel secure because you think you have checked all the right boxes, that is not security in God—that is security in yourself. The story of the Pharisee and tax collector MADE ME SEE CLEARLY AND I CAUGHT IT FINALLY number 2 thinks if he does everything right he will be secure just like the Pharisee believed. The Pharisee had pride in his own religious achievements. Number 3 knows he has no leverage here and cannot earn this but hopes for mercy anyway. Number 2 says I'm going to chruch cause I'm scared and I'm trying to perform and earn my way into heaven I'm paying god back. Number 3 says I have heeded you in love and have gone to chruch I know this cannot earn me grace it is your finished works through which I am saved nothing i do can pay that back. One moves from a place of fear of salvation. The other moves from a place of security in Jesus and is stirred to move from a place of awe and love cause of his sacrifice. He trys not out of fear of punishment he trys cause of the one who loves him even though he's a sinner. Jesus just want us to reciprocate some love back. Not do it out of fear like a slave or robot. Now that I understood the difference between love and fear I have some love to give to God. You know what that means A RELATIONSHIP. It's all God wants. For you to reciprocate some love back. Maybe like read your Bible not to earn something just to spend some time with him. 1 John 4:18 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So I got a gym membership to Crunch Fitness. Managed to get a monthly sub for only 18 bucks with is really cheap. I've been going at least 3 days a week an hour every time I go. at least 30 minutes of it I'm doing some form or core workout cardio. I got a free personal trainer for the day on the first day I went to the gym after subscribing. Little did I know the guy I chose to book was a professional "elite" trainer who trains professional athletes. I'm not gonna lie after 10 minutes I had to sit down after doing pushup-burpies. I almost passed out. Then I almost died doing chest workouts, then I had to push this thing that rolled across the floor back and fourth. It was so freaking brutal. After the marathon I almost passed out again and got really nauseated. I had no clue those times I was at the gym by myself I never REALLY trained stamina! That guy changed my whole perspective on working out. Now I can do that workout every time without passing out. I'm making progress so much faster!

@yaasshat Oh most definitely! I know mine can be way worse, my mom has horrendous cycles, sometimes she's been hospitalized for it, so I know it could be worse for me. It still is annoying though sometimes XD. Also, hi Ya-Ya, I hope you've been well?