Mental Illness (Mental Wellness)

Oh how I want a good cry in the lap of my love one whilst getting heading pets but I can't have either at this time sadly

I was diagnosed with Autism (which is ASD nowadays) when I was about 21. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was about 25.

When I was in high school, that's when my doctor experimented with different combinations of meds on me. At one point, I was hallucinating so bad, I didn't want to sleep because I would wake up in the middle of the night and and actually think that a winged being was scratching at my back.

The movie by Kim ki duk called amen was therapy. I watched his movies in 2012 or something. He has a bunch of movies I haven't seen. Rip he died December 2020. I'm into voidpunk and that's the most voidpunk movie I've seen.

Most people have concrete brains and mine is plastic. But I'm getting better and back to normal. Well not depressed, I'm not normal lol

I've never seen a psychologist or been to therapy ('cause as a man, it's useless to me) so all I've done is just accept the madness. Probably ever since I was 10 / a teenager (hard to remember, never really had a good childhood), I've went through literal hell, multiple times, and sure, it was necessary to make me be the man I am today. I could've easily become what one of my relatives are today; a garbage person, living in filth, not even attempting to do better, and not providing for his wife and 2 kids, being a mindless sheep of the government. Because I slowly cut off my humanity, my emotions, becoming empty inside, I've gotten rid of what was slowing me down, to the point of going insane at least a couple of times. I was really effed up in the head, looking back on it... Being in my early to mid 20s, I worked hard, put in effort to be a better person, to be a True christian, knowing I have flaws and have sinned, but try to change those bad habits, while still empty on the inside. The only thing that ever made me feel something, was watching anime, and having an overly active imagination, that was my ONLY escapism. I had a lot more freedom in my teens, since I was homeschooled, so I could escape reality a lot more back then. But eventually, I had to take on responsibilities my parents wouldn't do, my father being a stereotypical dumb blonde, and my mother being emotionally unstable. Along with events that happened when I was 5, which I still can't forget to this day, it makes sense why I went crazy, got to the point of not wanting emotions and being empty. Heck, if I wasn't such a coward towards myself, I would've forever boxed myself long ago, but oh well... Even though I try to do better, nothing really changes. A buddy of mine said that "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result", and I think that sums up my life pretty much. I try to change how I react to people, making slight differences here and there, or change my outlook on the world / life, but at my core, I really, really, really, don't like myself, and I really, really, really, hate this godforsaken world. There's never been a time in my life, I've ever felt joy from this world. I've imagined the idea of happiness, I've manipulated my brain to believe delusions, to simulate joy, but nothing from reality. I've been entertained by a few things online, but never anything in real life. There was a point, I wanted the delusions so much more than this stupid life, that in a way, I realised "Do I need to stop this, because this might actually displease god..?" So, I stopped. The only thing that technically could be considered "joy", even though it was artificial, fake, delusional, it did, for the short time it was, what the rest of my life and experiences, could never do... Now to present, where I am so disgusted with people, mostly women, that I don't think I can even reciprocate "Love". I have no desire, all other emotions are pretty much dead but wrath, which was the only driving force to push myself harder, to do better. So yeah, I am a man, stoic, void of human emotions, logical, cold, no regard for feelings, I can act like a decent human being, but I do not feel human. Heck, reality doesn't even feel real to me, and once in a while, I can feel my brain slip, as if it's about to shut down this buggy simulation. It's happened a few times when I was a kid, my brain would black out for a second all of a sudden, and my body fall over, but then it would come back online. It doesn't completely shut down anymore, but I can feel the lag. Very uncommon, but thankfully doesn't put me or others in danger. You might say "Why don't you ask for help?" Well here's the thing: Every time I try to rely on others, they just make my life more miserable. I am incapable of trusting others with my effed up brain, and those that I do trust, I don't want to burden with, since he already has a lot to deal with. I've had to deal with everything on my own, no help, no useful advice, nothing. Grammar, spelling, and vocabulary, I've had to teach myself, because my mother didn't do her job. Now at least in present time, she's putting in effort to do better, but I always feel like it's too little, too late... And my father? He's regressed to staying in a chair the majority of his life, which is sad to see, but I honestly feel nothing, just another state of this "reality". So yeah, to me, everyone is useless, and just make life harder for me. I want to... Well, I say I "want" to, but I have no wants at the present... But I still need to serve god, by helping others. However, I almost never get the chance to, or it's beyond my limited experience... So, at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to change all of those issues, it just blows up in my face, I do not know how I am supposed to live this disgusting life. If I try to live being a machine, it wouldn't bring glory to god, but if I try to live with simulated emotions, everything just gets worse... Logically, of course, it's always satan making things worse when you try to get closer to god. But it's easier for me to believe that I am just hated by god, because why would anyone want to live my life with my effed up brain? Sure, I realise there's plenty of other people with worse lives, but at least they still have their humanity. I am not human anymore, I do not feel anything, I do the same thing day after day, I am boring, I do not cry, I do not desire anything, and death does not scare me, it is just the end goal of life to me. All this is, is just me, mostly being bored, but also, looking back at what my pathetic attempts in life were. This isn't for pity, or comfort, or anything else, but just the life of a madman, disgusted with himself, and with life. Putting it into words, so maybe something can come out of it, though knowing full well, nothing will change. It has been my entire life, that I've hoped for the best, but expect the worst, and I've always been disappointed, even though I expect nothing. I have accepted the insanity, and if my life is only meant to be entertainment for someone else, then so be it. Laugh, otherwise I will be the only one laughing hysterically.