Random thoughts...

@solid_snake95 You know...sometimes it's said that people can attract how it is they A: act themselves or B: feel about themselves deep inside. Please, don't misunderstand me, I am in NO WAY blaming you for any hurt or pain that has been caused to you in your life, okay? Especially as I don't have the full picture on things that happened to you. But, how are you going to expect others to love you when you can't love or respect yourself? It's like the saying, "misery loves company", and sometimes people can attract those with just as many issues or problems as themselves in an attempt to A: feel any sort love (just like you) or B: feel empowered by hurting someone just as lost as themselves. I'm not saying this is your case...but, sometimes without knowing it, we can end up finding the wrong things for the right reasons out of such loneliness or even subconsciously how we feel about ourselves. You say that you aren't desirable, (and not saying you haven't) but why don't you be desirable enough for yourself? Why don't you love yourself enough to see the handsomeness and beauty within you? Sometimes in order to get progress, we have to deconstruct things we know or think we know, and from what it sounds like, you have been spoken about/over a lot in many negative ways by a person or people you thought loved you. It's bad enough that you've gotten it from them, so I hope you continue to keep pushing and trying to see yourself as a beauty and strong, because YOU ARE ALL THOSE GOOD THINGS. Even if you can't see it for yourself right now. I'm sorry if I have misspoken. I just am kind of passionate about that as I have my own personal issues with myself, and I always have to fight off certain thoughts either daily, weekly or monthly. Don't ever get tired of fighting for yourself, cause sometimes you is all that you have. I'm probably blabbing now lol. But, I hope you know that you are special and very loved. ❤️

@wei_ying I always believed in the concept of self love too but being told so much how you aren't measuring up...it takes a toll. Anytime I vent alot of people on here misconstrue the reasons why I'm in the shape I'm in. Truth is I smile everyday and am told how I'm always smiling no matter what. I never give up.

I’m always trying my best every day. I could crumble up in a ball, but I don’t. Because I know if I do, that’s it. As for attracting what you real feel about yourself, it’s true. I probably am not attracting anyone now because I appreciate myself more now, but I can’t forget the words Heather’s family told me.

Just curious @solid_snake95, have you ever tried therapy? If you can afford it, you seem like you'd truly benefit from it and I mean absolutely no offense when I say that.

https://thesnakesoup.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/liquidisdumb.jpg https://oyster.ignimgs.com/mediawiki/apis.ign.com/metal-gear-solid/a/ac/Vlcsnap-2023-08-02-11h41m54s928.png Aaaaahhhhh LIQUID!! Perhaps you did inherit all of those recessive genes! But dominant or not it's all in how one uses them. In fact, according to the MGS lore, Solid Snake was actually the less dominant of the two. Yet he managed to outlast Liquid whose only real weakness was that he thought himself to be not enough. That he lacked the means to create his own destiny and therefore find his own freedom! What I am saying is, you will definitely have to overcome many things in your life that's outside of your control. However you are correct in never giving up! Thank you for continuing to work towards self improvement. Even if that voice in your mind doesn't ever fully go away, just remember it's always you who decides whether or not you're good enough, Snake! Christ is with us and you have my respect. You earned that. Never forget. https://i.redd.it/p626q4qtjoda1.jpg

@yaasshat none taken. I don't know if I should at this point do therapy. Had a couple of different tries with betterhelp or someone I knew that did professional therapy, and it just doesn't stick. There's something deeper going on that makes me actually feel pain when I try to not think or remember anything that occured two years ago. I never said the entire list of things I would be told by her, her family, and so called friends. If I did the people on this platform that thought good of her will quickly realize the truth of it. I was told to take the higher road and don't do that. Meanwhile she was able to "vent" to any of the guys in DMS on here how "terrible" I was to her. One guy told me off in messages saying how she told him that I did unspeakable things to her and abused her. She wanted to be the victim so badly. If the claims were true then why would she apologize when I confronted her on that interaction? Saying how she was sorry but Everytime she talks to a guy immediately she talks the biggest shit about me. Meanwhile before I even snapped on her she, called me at 5am to tell me how the guy she cheated on me with had a better d**k than me, gaslighted me into believing I was crazy, cheated on me when my uncle died with someone that she swore she hated (there's more on him but I don't want to say the rest for her privacy and status), for months would off and on blow up on me calling me a loser essentially but in colorful different ways, convinced the guy she got with to stalk me irl and send threats, and God I need to get the rest out but I can't. I just can't. Truth is I loved her so hard I convinced myself to grit my teeth and push through to show her I'm not going anywhere unlike the others she told me about in her life. I wished I was told by her "thank you for trying your best" or "You did all you could and I won't speak I'll of you anymore". There were nights I cried so hard my voice went hoarse from what she did to me. All the while I clung onto the words she once messaged me "I will always love you and nothing will ever change that". She lied...and I believed everything she said like the gospel. I should have left when she threatened me that one night to call the cops saying I was trespassing when I stayed over flying in. Would have saved me alot of pain and mental illness.

Therapy takes more than a few sessions and unfortunately it's never a one size fits all. People who can tend to shop until they find one that's going to work. Like someone like me would have a difficult time getting counciling from a minister or some church association... and I would probably prefer a woman unless I clicked with a male.

I was advised that the longer it hurts me the longer is gonna take for someone new to come into my life. I’m really trying hard. Always smiling always doing my best I am in the back of my mind. I still hear her laughing with the guy in the background of a phone call about me... I want my happy ending too