SnakeePoo

Sometimes my head gets foggy and hurts a bit wanting to talk to her. I do alot to fight off this feeling because if I give in my pain only gets worse and aggressive wanting something but honestly I don't know what I want from her at this point. Logically speaking she doesn't have anything to give me or tell me that would ease the pain. Posting it on here helps me to not keep it in my head. I don't still wish to be with her. Her true nature has been known for awhile now to me, and I don't wish to live such an egotistical life of sin. I'm confused what that side of me wants from her. Maybe it's frustration of being looked down upon as poor in the eyes of her upper class life? Or maybe it's a heart felt apology I want from her that isn't faked? I'm not sure. How can a part of me be so demanding of something it doesn't even know it wants or needs? One thing is for sure and I wish for it to permanently subside to where I don't need to sleep it away resetting my mind each time. Feels like a complete other side of me that is angry and feels wronged. Sounds insane but I didn't wish for this to happen to me. She did create these circumstances unintentionally with a series of choices hurting me but was just her wanting an escape from her own life. To survive in her own way from a life thrusted onto her by her rich parents. I do understand her circumstances now and know it's hard for her to live her own life the way she wants. Therapy is the only option I have to figure these questions in my head out. I'm still scared to go through with it. I'm not even sure why I'm scared to do it. So much confusion going on and I know it's an attack on my spirit. Just pray for me.