the narcissist

Tonight my nervous system updated. I'm always in terror that my lack of emotions will be seen and judged. And, I'm just like how come my baby can't see the terror on my face. But, what she sees is consistency, care, presence, effort. Tonight I understood she really loves me and would never hurt me I felt safe enough to breakdown I didn't but I wanted to I just shed a few tears told her it's hard I'm trying my best to love you. She made the horror go away because she already accepted me. My nervous system updated because for the first time I felt seen but still loved. My nervous system learned I can be seen and not destroyed. I experienced being held without being judged. I can't keep bracing with horror with thoughts of being destroyed I'm safe and deeply loved. Maybe I can relax more now I have a memory of acceptance to ward off the horror.