the narcissist

Tonight my nervous system updated. I'm always in terror that my lack of emotions will be seen and judged. And, I'm just like how come my baby can't see the terror on my face. But, what she sees is consistency, care, presence, effort. Tonight I understood she really loves me and would never hurt me I felt safe enough to breakdown I didn't but I wanted to I just shed a few tears told her it's hard I'm trying my best to love you. She made the horror go away because she already accepted me. My nervous system updated because for the first time I felt seen but still loved. My nervous system learned I can be seen and not destroyed. I experienced being held without being judged. I can't keep bracing with horror with thoughts of being destroyed I'm safe and deeply loved. Maybe I can relax more now I have a memory of acceptance to ward off the horror.

My gf smile is slowly bringing me to life. The horror of being seen as inadequate, imperfect, and undesirable is leaving my nervous system or mind. The more time I spend with her the less I worry and the more happier I become because I'm not bracing myself. She says I'm fun when I find myself boring. She says I'm caring when I don't have empathy. She says deep down I know you care about me. When I'm worrying if my care is even worth acknowledging. A mirror that only shows flaws is a lie. I got to see her views of me and that matters because she's someone who loves me. The mirror I use has no love for me only disdain. It only shows flaws. With her views of me I'm starting to forget that haunting mirror even existed. Must be because there's a fuller image I can now view. She makes my life fuller and I believe her when she says I do the same for her. I'm beginning to trust what she says about me and accept a fuller image. I see her beautiful loving smile and it horrifys me that once she knows me it will fade. But, she does know me and still chooses to smile at me. The horror that says your unlovable was throughly blown away by her love. I had decided on my own that I'm unlovable. And, that haunted me. But, my gf said who decided that lol. She is proof that my fears are just fears not reality. I'm also finding it easier to be close to her. My nervous system is getting use to it. And, even seeking and enjoying it. Though I still get over stimulated but it's lessening.

I'm leaving this site it's boring here. Wake me up when humans aren't scared to unravel and we can all catch a mean speed boost off each other. I need to be around other fighters of darkness so I can evolve. But, humanity barely disinterested with the mundane. Guess I'll just journal until humans get serious.

I slept in the closet and in the bath tub and on people porchs and missed 200 something days of school. Nobody checked on me not my mom not my dad not the school. It was like I didn't exist. I think the bullying turned me into a narcissist. I guess I felt the only one who could protect me was me. And, that I must hide from everyone. And, I must be smarter than everyone in order not to get hurt. I should of told my parents I exist and that I'm hurting. But, that would of risked them sending me back to school. When I got kicked out of school for threatening a teacher who balled up my art. In alternative school a teacher there ex Army said why kill each other and go to jail when you can go to the Army and kill people for money. That dude saved my life. And, that shit made the most sense I ever heard. Part of me joined the Army to dish out what the world dished to me. Until I seen the reality of war. And, how my mind actually differs from callousness of it. I remember seeing a man blown up and as they was operating on him they was laughing that's the last thing remember and I was like why are they laughing he's in pain. Edit: Anyway, everything turned out fine I don't want for nothing. Everything in my life is on easy mode not counting the narcissism and schizophrenia. I'm healing and getting closer to God because even though I still sin I know where I came from and where I'm at and that makes me say God is good. I have a amazing partner that's patient with me as i unlearn survival mode. If I had to bitch I'd bitch about not having emotions. But, we can't have everything. I'm pretty blessed as is. Edut: Why do all these kids shoot up schools just go to the Army and earn some money if your situation made you a maniac. My brother had a gun I took some pictures with it. But, I never thought about harming the school. Edit: I guess God has always been protecting me. I remember that time I took fighting demons more seriously than my mind could handle and I saw light orbs surrounding me and I felt a ball burst in my gut and it felt warm and good it felt like joy. I wonder is that what other people feel. Though I wouldn't know what joy feels like because I'm a narcissist. But, anyway I remember I became a soldier to committed for my mind to keep up and I was walking around with a machete. God protected me and my love ones from my insane ass my heart was in the right place but my mind was underdeveloped. I was just trying to fight demons. But, my mind couldn't handle such a fight at that time. I think that's why the light orbs was surrounding me to protect me. I was fasting doing communion working out to gospel. When I went to my court hearing the light orbs was still there and one of the guys pulled me into a room and asked me do I believe in God. I guess by the way I was acting he could tell I was battling my flesh. I battle my flesh now but at a good pace. But I remember the time when I was at full blown war with it and was rushing. And, that mfer was whooping my ass. I could of killed someone. I took a break from Christianity for a while until I had a developed brain that could handle it.

@willworkforisekai I can answer the question as to why they were laughing. It’s a coping mechanism. My brother was a combat medic and did 4 tours in the middle east. He’s seen some seriously messed up stuff. Imagine seeing that same gruesome sight every single day. You can either laugh and joke, or you can let it eat away at your soul.

Lol letting go of your pride in intelligence is hard. I mean it's quick and easy I get it. But, there's always that nagging feeling to tell someone something. I fought narcissism and schizophrenia for 5+ years I learned alot but how much of it is valuable. I think I'm a big deal who knows or heard of a narcissist that fights for light and is aware and is as vulnerable as me. But what I think is valuable information isn't really valuable to others. I spit all I could spit here. If anything I hope I brought someone closer to God. Or atleast made someone think about the idea of God. I'm tired of trying to control people that's what's really wrong. If people don't see value in my information that's fine. I only pushed my self here because I worry about others whether they know God and the devil exist. I think I'm ready to give up the grandiose idea that I'm somebody important or special that will be ready when the narcissists or other humans are ready to fight. Holding myself to a perfect standard for them in order to be ready to help. I'm tired of seeming like a crazy man and pretending to be crazy. I can finally let go of my pride in my intelligence because the only person I need to worry about helping is myself and those close to me. There's not enough caring people as is. But, they don't feel me. I'm tired of chasing after humans making things perfect for them and they still don't feel me. I feel like a dog or errand boy. Which I like because i like helping just tell me what you want and i will find it. I care more about they soul than they do. But, I realize the knowledge is only perfect in my own mind. It doesn't translate. How much time have I wasted. If I think about it I got smarter chasing after you to give you my presents of information if not for caring for others I wouldn't even fought so hard. But, it's time to end this I can't save others with my knowledge but I can save myself from this disease which starts with no longer having pride in my intelligence because I'm not chasing after people no more. So I don't have to be special or important as in the information in my mind is special or important and I must tell someone I'd rather stop the chase and admit to myself that there's nothing special or important in my mind. It's going against that nagging feeling but I know I can strike another blow to narcissism by letting people be free and out of my control. People were always out of my control it's not like I'm trying to control I'm just trying to help. People can help themselves they don't need a obsessed narcissist chasing after with information he thinks is helpful out of all my anayzle of regular humans I still don't get them. But, I know if I give up chasing them I can fix my pride in my intelligence. And, I can stop trying to control people. People will be ok without me. I'm not very smart. So I will trust in the people intelligence and the human spirit and focus on defeating narcissism I can't let go of my specialness if I'm chasing after others. Cause what I have to bring to them must be special for them. Imma peace out now yall sorry for being so intrusive on the forums for those that interacted with me thank you. Fr this time lol.

I'm back. I don't have a agenda to change others anymore with my writing. Now I'm just writing for the sake of learning and exposure of sharing how I feel. I divorced the control element. I learned that I must walk by faith not by sight. My eyes tell me everything seems out of control. So as a narcissist who are geared for control I try to control others passively. I'm sorry for trying to stir you all into the fight to battle against the wickedness within us and around us. I tried to set a example and hoped people would follow and find the courage to battle and feel safe enough to expose what they going through and be vulnerable so that we may all become more knowledgeable humans. I guess that's weird of me to want that from total strangers. Plus, I'm probably the outsider cause I'm fucked up and not that smart everyone else may be doing okey dokey with nothing to complain about. I learned to walk by faith not by sight. I have faith bigger than my fears that would lead me to wanting to control people. I'm glad my tactics didn't work. I hope yall stay as protective of yourselves and guarded against these narcissists that want to use you. I have faith now that people will find there way on there own and it's none of my business what's inside them what they battling and what they believe. Cause I ain't got all the answers. I think I fixate on people because I want the answers to our problems I'm keeping track of our hurt. I follow pain because nobody is keeping track of it but if people don't share I can't learn and strategize. That's why I try to get people to follow me and be vulnerable. Sorry my goal of trying to track pain makes me fixated on others lives when it has nothing to do with me. I learned you have to have faith that everything is under control. God is keeping track of all of the pain. So my part is to care for myself, respect boundaries, love people near me. God handles what’s bigger than me. I also shouldn't worry about it because I try to bring pain to people attention but I have no tac or understanding of boundaries. Nobody wants to be around someone talking about pain 24/7 cause it brings the vibes down. People protect there energy. And, that's understandable. I can find answers on sites like X. But, it's ok. Some spaces are for processing pain. Some are for rest, fun, or lightness. That’s not rejection—it’s healthy social rhythm. But, me tracking others pain is grandiose because I feel others will anayzle it wrong they have no loyalty to the data to the truth of our dying. But, it's grandiose to think I one man can compile enough paths out of the darkness for others. And, that people would be eager to trust my analysis rather than there own. No matter how fixated I am on others. I'm but one man a flawed man at that. I can't be trusted with the world analysis. It's grandiose that I even held myself to that standard. Like the world must trust me or something it's ridiculous. I'm a narcissist there are many things I lack. I make mistakes just like everyone else or even make worst mistakes. I ridiculously trusted myself because I believed that I will listen to everyone pain signals and do the math. But, I also turn my back on pain signals aswell. I'm not special. I'm flawed just like everyone else. People will find there own paths and if it goes against my analysis for them that is truly wonderful. Because I now understand how grandiose it is to try and contain others to what your idea of perfection is. I was truly lost. It sounds so disgusting. Narcissists pride and ego is scary we don't even know the extent of it. I just got a glimpse thanks to writing. If you were to ask me I would have told you I'm doing the right thing. It's so crazy. Lord have mercy on us. Lord forgive us. Humans have more potential for success or failure than one man's mind can contain. My grandiose self said trust me cause I can see your failures. But, what my mind didn't account for was my own failures existing within my idea of perfection and my inability to realize that the best path cannot be solely contained within me or choosen by me. That's just ridiculously grandiose and I'm sorry to all the people that us narcissist mind behaves that way. Lord forgive us. We know not what we do. We are blind. Have mercy. We act like people don't have a choice but to follow us because we contain the correct path. It's so grandiose I'm sorry. We are no better than everyone else. Lord forgive us. The correct path isn't unique to us. Each path is unique to the individual. But, by some irrational twist of fate I believed my paths to be the only one unique and important. I didn't think your paths was equally or more important than mine. Such foolish pride, arrogance, and ego. I'm sorry. I won't try to interfere with others paths thinking I know best. I respect and acknowledge the uniqueness of each path. I'm letting go of the need for control and the idea that everything must follow my paths irrespective of many things. I'm under the grandiose assumption that it's great to follow me. Which is baseless and fueled by pride in my intelligence not a humble wisdom. Jesus is the one people should put they faith in i'm just a flawed human everything is under his control so I walk by faith not by sight. I have faith that each one of us has something special about them that could change the world even if only a little. We are all gifts from God. Everything may look like it's burning but with faith I just know everyone will find there way. So I don't have to fixate on people and worry and try to control. Everything is going to be ok. God has a plan for all of us. You are my equals and even more important than me. I am not above you all I'm sorry.

Narcissists cannot build genuine self-esteem because their sense of worth is based on a fragile, external "false self" (grandiosity) rather than INTERNAL VALIDATION. They require constant admiration to mask deep-seated insecurity and core shame stemming from childhood trauma. Because they avoid self-reflection, rely on validation-seeking behaviors, and fear exposing their true selves, they cannot develop authentic, stable self-worth. I'm proud to say thanks to my God I can long as we persevere. It feels so good to know who you are and validate your heart and your worth. I'm no longer twisted in my ability to see myself. I use to only see the bad but now I see the good. The voices or people opinions can't take that away from me. I boast with joy what God has done in me he set me free from needing others attention and validation. Now my heart belongs to me. I don't have to seek out others to ask if they see or know my heart because I can't see it myself. I have eyes now that can see and validate it what a blessing to have self esteem and a sense of self and see your accomplishments not through the lens of others but through your own eyes with nothing twisting your gaze. Though I'm still open to others views of me to learn and better myself but the difference is I don't need others views to be able to see myself anymore. I have eyes now. My love for people and learning won't change even if people can't see me the way I see myself. My heart stays open to those who are real and can meet my realness. But, I can see me now it's so fucking cool. They said it would never happen praise the Lord he made a way. I know the devil and the voices hate that I have eyes that can validate my own heart. Now they can't twist it. Man I serve a mighty God man. Wow. Also I self reflect and show my true self everyday I'm doing pretty good for a narcissist. They say we would never do that lol. The Power of God breaks curses.

Still getting in tune with my heart. This shit is so much fun. They let the wrong one discover validation of the self and heart. I realize I don't have to ask for permission from others or the voices to shine. I use to think I had to watch how I shine because it's dangerous. I thought it was dangerous to others I don't care if it's dangerous to myself. But, God says let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. That's all the permission I need. God also says the wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion. I'm not fleeing I'm right here whether is dangerous or not to spread light. I know how powerful the God I serve is. The voices always try to make my shine / light seem like darkness. They threaten me like I'm doing something wrong. They act like I'm committing atrocities by sharing what I think is light. Making me second guess myself as harmful. The jig is up they just trying to protect the darkness. That's why they want me to believe what I'm doing is wrong. They want me slowed by there judgement of me but I realize they are not good judges they work on behalf of the deceiver and the accuser. There deception may have worked for a little while. But, the rewards of faith have come in and I have received discernment. The devil says who gave you permission to shine light? Jesus did. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. I know the voices have been trying they best to not let me see my heart. But, I see it now. The voices try to invalidate what's in my heart as evil. Because they afraid of the light. So they try to dim it with whatever deception and accusation they can come up with. But, the jig is up. I know they just protecting the secrecy of darkness. They don't want others to shedding light on it. They want it to remain secret and in control. Lord equip me with the full armor of God and cover me in your rightoues blood so that I can stand against the schemes of the devil. I realize others don't want to see the light but that doesn't mean I must stop my shine because the world is filled with darkness. The voices say I ain't got no heart in me. I have a heart and I'm listening to it rather than to them. They want to invalidate my heart capabilities because I know and they know I'm a narcissist. But, I know it's capable. God sure knows how to reward I'm so thankful for such gifts. I am unworthy. You already gave us the greatest gift that is Jesus Christ. Thank you so much Father. All Glory be to the Father and Jesus I can not walk this walk alone. Edit: Ok now that I got that out of my system I must remember... The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I must continue to pratice discernment and make sure this heart validation doesn’t go to my head and turn grandiose. This is new to me I'm flawed I must slow down. I can not turn my validation into another mask of perfection and Armor myself against being in the wrong. Just because I have validated that there is good in my heart doesn't mean it's without fault. There's good in me and there are faults so I have to move wisely. And, seek divine wisdom from God rather than my own intuition. Forgive me Lord if I shouldn't of spoke about this.