the narcissist

I will be leaving this site. I'm a narcissist my energy doesn't deserve to be next to normal people. I hope everyone stays well. Thanks for the safe space and for interacting with me. It meant alot. I can't take being a fraud in this world no more.

I feel estranged to my little boy and little girl. Because when I see them all I feel is sorrow from having to perform under there mothers eye. The time I spend with them never feels real because it's in the presence of there mothers. I'm to busy worrying about how to be normal. When I pushed my daughter on her bike alone and we sat down and played with rocks it was better that way. Away from the judging eyes of her mother. They don't even judge me. But, they make me judge myself. Those eyes remind me that I didn't build a house that's based on love. I don't know how to raise a daughter and son together with mothers I can't open my heart to. I can't be a father hiding from them. I can't feel anything in there mothers presence but shame. Some would say just focus on the kids you have a problem. I do have a problem I'm a narcissist. It's unbearable being around my kids while hiding from there mothers. 2 hours of thinking later I came to the conclusion with the help of jesus that I'm to perfect for my actions. Being around my ex wife and baby mama cracks the facade that I am perfect and I drown in the actions that betrayed my perfection. This was good to write down I never would of figured it out. I know the problem now why I drown infront of my kids and there mothers. The fact that I'm not perfect drowns me but tonight Jesus has broken those chains praise the most high God. He did it for me easily. So easily. I never knew I was in a vicious cycle of claiming perfection to myself. That's why I felt like I had no air around my kids mothers. I get it now I'm not perfect. I realize everywhere I go I've been claiming perfection. Admitting mistakes to myself felt like torture because I couldn't hold any other perception other than I am perfect. That chain was broken tonight. I can finally come to terms with the fact I can make mistakes. I was to busy mourning my perfection passing away to feel anything. That pain and shame I felt might be finished now. What I need to do now is apologize to there mothers and be more active in my kids life. Other than my bad relationship with my little boy and girl and there mothers. My relationship with my gf and her two girls is going good. It's a house built off love I have nothing to hide. I can't wait to have a big family my gf me my son and daughter and her two daughters. I'm gonna live like no narcissist ever lived before. God is good. I can never be perfect that mask broke tonight I wonder what's next.

I'm a narcissist and schizophrenic and this is what I learned fighting long and hard with Jesus. Nobody thinks this narcissism disease can fall. I'm here to tell you it bleeds it can be killed. Just trying to leave some hope out there for narcissists. 1. WE ANNIHILATE OURSELVES. You must understand this. It's because we became our own mirror and that mirror was made out of broken glass that only showed our flaws. A MIRROR THAT ONLY SHOW FLAWS IS A LIE. Think about that long and hard. Most of us have never seen the whole image of ourselves because we to busy being engrossed by our flaws. We punish ourselves into forgetting who we are. And whe become the flaws we hate and end up annihilating our soul. When you think to yourself what is good in you and your mind responds with nothing is good in you remember what you did. That's how you know you are annihilating your soul. I let pain break the mask over the course of years. But, pain can't build the new you. Only softness can do that. The type of softness that allows there to be mercy on yourself. That allows you to rely on the mercy of Jesus. After you felt you learned all you can from pain, suffering, shame, guilt, and punishment you can stop it and start rebuilding with softness. 2. WE ARE OBSESSED WITH PERFECTION. You must understand this. You know that pain, shame, and guilt you feel when performing in the presence of another person that make you remember your actions. That shame, guilt, and pain comes from all the actions you remember that betrayed your perfection. YOUR TO PERFECT FOR THOSE ACTIONS. Think about that long and hard. We drown and can't breath in the presence of those who make us remember the actions that betrayed our perfection because we are mourning the death of our perfection. We become immobilized in grief. That's why you feel stuck and in pain around you know who it is. Because your remembering the actions that betrayed your perfection. Your sad because you just can't believe your perfect self is dying right in front of your eyes. If you stop that obsession with perfection then you won't be grief striken every time you know who it is comes around. Your not perfect we all make mistakes. You may even feel your performance is betraying your perfection. CUT THAT OUT. We fail. Stop the whole I can't fail thing. Instead of going into a situation with the mindset I can't fail or I won't be loved. Go into it with the mindset if I fail that's ok it's not the end of the world. BREATH. Though it will feel like the end of the world if you still holding on to that obsession with perfection you will feel that blow to it and grieve. LET IT GO. Nobody is perfect. Breath. I'm all for suffering until your NPD tendencies break. But, you have to know when to rise from the ashes and have mercy on yourself and let God have mercy on you. Pain is a destroyer not a creator. I say learn all you can from pain then when it's no longer beneficial start to study softness and set your eyes on Jesus. These are two things they say we couldn't realize but here I am living proof that it's possible. You can do anything with Jesus.

To add on to the last post... 3. "WE CAN’T SEE THE GOOD IN OURSELVES. You must understand this. This is still new for me, so I don’t have much to say yet. But here’s what I do know: When you notice something good in yourself—thank God. That’s how you stay grounded. That’s how you stay humble. Don’t be afraid of yourself. You don’t have to doubt the works in you to remain humble. Acknowledge them with thanks to God. That will keep you grounded. Humility isn’t pretending you’re worthless. Humility is returning the glory to God—without denying that He’s done something beautiful in you. Don’t let shame and guilt stop you from acknowledging the works God has done in you. Don’t let them stop your healing. You can affirm the good in you. You don’t have to shrink and say, “I’m nothing.” That’s not humility. That’s despair. The distrust of your own heart—that’s what’s annihilating your soul. If you can’t trust yourself with your heart, trust God with it. Say: “Thank You, God, for the good in me.” Bring those good pieces—the ones you’re unsure about—to Him. I know you don’t want to claim ownership of them. Your image of yourself is too twisted. So is mine. How could a monster claim something good, right? That’s what we tell ourselves. That’s what others have told us. But a mirror that only shows flaws is a lie. We’re fractured because we’ve silenced the other half of our soul—the part that still wants to believe in love. We told it to shut up. We called ourselves monsters. But we need to listen to that side again. Don’t silence it. It’s the part that can still heal. Yes, you are both good and bad. So why do you wear only the bad? Say this: “God, if there’s anything good in me, it’s from You. I won’t worship myself for it. But I also won’t kill it. I’ll give it back to You, because You gave it to me in the first place.” That’s thanksgiving. That’s faith. Say: “Lord, I don’t know how to trust my own heart. I’ve twisted it. Silenced it. Performed with it. But if there’s anything good in me, it’s Yours. Take it. Keep it. Grow it. Don’t let me claim it in pride or reject it in shame. Let me just thank You for it. Make it Yours fully.”

Being apart of my gf family is touching me in ways I never been touched before. I never felt what a happy family feels like. Cause all I caused was broken homes. It feels good to grow in love for family. And, to know I'm finally smart enough thanks to Jesus to not be what they say I am. I want my kids under this happy atmosphere of me and my gf love. I broke the mask of perfection but under it I felt empty or dead. But, that's a lie I been telling myself. Tender feelings just need coaching out they are there.

Here is the breakthrough I made with Jesus. I now know why us narcissist have no recollection of warmth. It's because we spent our life's performing and afraid. We never been introduced to it. The only reason warmth is breaching / reaching me because I peeled away layers of the mask. I broke the mask of perfection. But, under the false self the real self feels dead / empty. But, that's not actually the case emotions just need coaching out. It's all about memory. I had no memory of warmth because I was either to scared during tender moments. Or to scared to put myself in them. I'm now paying the price for using the false self. Because the false self only remembers it moved by fear. The real self was never exposed thus never moved thus never grew. I never felt warmth without the condition of performance. Now that I broke the mask I'm being exposed little by little and I'm beginning to form memories of warmth not fear. It's because of this new memory of warmth I realized I've been afraid my whole life. You can't pick up on warmth when your to scared performing. Because you letting fear run the show. If I stop performing I actually have a chance of having tender feelings coached out of me. So my soul can remember them. Starting over with the real self is crushing but worth it. Because the false self has no recollection of warmth it can't form it. It's to busy performing cause it's scared.

Narcissism and schizophrenia not all bad there's a couple things narcissism and schizophrenia saved me from. It saved me from magic, witchcraft, chakaras, occult, myself, and false gods. Because schizophrenia delusions introduced me to how it feels to be powerful in your own mind. I realized I don't want to be powerful it's terrifying thinking you a human are powerful without God. What schizophrenia made me realize is I don't want to be powerful it made me acknowledge how God is powerful and the ultimate sovereign of creation because I was terrified under the delusion of power a narcissist can come up with. It was lonely, forsaken, abominable, corrupt, disgusting, hopless, disgrace, human, ungodly, loveless, futile, incompetent, incomplete, embryo, chaotic, wild, foreign, unstable, foolish, ignorant, devoid, baren, harrowing, and destroying. I was lucky to believe a delusion of granduer because it showed me how disgusting believing yourself to be your own God or Godlike is. The fear, disgrace, shame, hopelessness, I felt for being a disgusting human with power they shouldn't have can't be put into words. I was thankful when the delusion subsided and I came back to reality. I was grateful there is a all powerful God and it's not me. Narcissim saves me from occult, charkra, witchcraft, magic, and false gods because us narcissist are weak to power it easily corrupts us. So where some people can dabble in that stuff I personally can't afford it. I just keep my eyes on Jesus. Stand for something or fall for anything. I won't be falling for that stuff. Because I don't want power if it's not the graceful, divine, correcting, guiding, holding, merciful, tempering, washing, gentle, loving, and safe power that Jesus gives to us as a gift. What the narcissist and schizophrenic extreme delusion of grandeur made me realize was that I need a Savior. What I wished for with all my might at that time and moment was a Savior to get me out of the trouble I'm in and fix the things I've done. I cried for superman repetively that's all I could do when I realized that I'm not superman myself. Because back then I had no relationship with Jesus so his name didn't cross my mind. I was tormented by that delusion for a while but it brung me closer to Jesus. Now I don't think about it anymore but I have internalized the lesson. That God is greater than me and I am nothing. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself". And, I'm so happy to have faith and belief for that to be true. Cause like I said we narcissist are weak to power and delusions of power they corrupt us easily. So greatful I have to avoid that stuff or else I would have played with it if I wasn't a narcissist. I'm greatful God let me experience schizophrenia delusions to destroy my narcissism and myself and show me I'm not no godlike or my own God. Though I do pray for healing from narcissism and schizophrenia there's up sides and down sides to it but I about learned all I can learn from these conditions. The upsides are running out. Edit: I never want to taste power again unless it's a gift from Jesus. Cause power corrupts.

Nobody thinks we can change is why my mouth can't stop. I must be vocal that I'm fighting. This is the last thing I must get off my chest before I surrender all plans to Jesus. I'm ready to see myself not at the center of things. Releasing Control Narcissists try to control how people see them. Because of there profound insecurity, fragile sense of self esteem, and fragile ego. If people don't see them how they see themselves for some reason it hurts our pride. Narcissists think your uncontrolled view of them is a threat to the perfect image of themselves. Narcissist think your uncontrolled view of them is a threat to there control. We seek control due to excessive pride in ourselves. I understand now we can't control our pride that's the problem. We take pride in seeing ourselves reflected back to us. And, if we can't control that it hurts our pride, ego, and self esteem. Because we crave constant validation, attention, and supply to feel good about ourselves. Our pride and infatuation with our reflection / ourselves won't let us see people for people but a reflection of ourselves. We get mad that people don't reflect us but reflect themselves. We get mad cause we are prideful in our persistence to see ourselves in control. We get mad reality doesn't align with the reality of our grandiose self. The terror that no one was powerful enough or in control enough to stop us as a young kid from getting hurt is behind it all. So a defense mechanism formed a survival pattern. It's the belief you need control to create predictably in a chaotic world. And, that your special enough to be in control because protecting yourself matters so you won't be exposed to emotions of powerlessness, worthlessness, vulnerability, emptiness, insecurity, and shame again. We can't handle threats to our grandiose image cause it makes us feel emotions we don't know how to handle. I finally realized today in my mind that I'm thinking please see me this way are they seeing me the way I wanna be seen and confirming my importance. When it shouldn't matter how people see me. I give up the illusion of control and accept that someone greater than I is in Control and that is Jesus. I thought I was in the perfect position being a narcissist to come clean and help anayzle the world to help people not make mistakes that can be taken advantage of by others like me. Things got a bit grandiose the more I fought this disease and the more I analyzed humanity and my mistakes the more perfect I felt for this world. I thought I had to tell em there mistakes and my mistakes and tell narcissist how to heal because I'm the only one who cares. I thought they had to see me how I see myself. Cause I really thought I was the only one who cares for them. I do care. But, it doesn't excuse my need for control. I realized there all ready is someone perfect for this world. I tried to make myself perfect for the world to explain it but I'm not perfect. I'm imperfect. I realize the Savior Jesus was already perfect and is fighting for us. So I release the illusion of control and trust in Jesus. And, give up the grandiose image that I could be a Savior. I give up my plans for control and accept things how they are. I accept people how they are. Even with unpredictability I have faith everything will be ok. Cause I know I fought hard. So how much harder will Jesus fight for us. I can't imagine. Self Esteem People with narcissistic patterns are often insecure and dependent on validation because we feel empty, ashamed, and doubtful of ourselves. Our ego is fragile, and we have an underdeveloped sense of self with little internal self-esteem. We look to others to confirm our worth and identity because we don’t trust our own perception of ourselves. I finally have enough self-esteem for myself because my girlfriend loved me back toward wholeness and validated the work I’ve done. I didn’t just change in my head — I did hard internal work fighting narcissistic patterns and then put that work into action through showing up, restraint, and consistency. My girlfriend responded positively, and that response confirmed reality: something in me really did change. That confirmation stabilized my self-esteem enough for me to stand on my own two feet. That isn’t dependency. That is healthy reinforcement. Humans do not self-generate identity in a vacuum. Hearing my girlfriend say she doesn’t see me as a monster, but as someone who is a really good partner — someone she is madly in love with and thankful for — filled something in me that couldn’t be repaired in isolation. Those words helped mend a broken self-love container. For the first time, I thought: maybe I do have good traits, and maybe my identity is more than shame. I fought for those traits, but I couldn’t see them clearly until someone else reflected them back to me. Narcissistic patterns are rooted in self-doubt — we don’t trust ourselves. Hearing her say she’s happy gave me enough self-esteem and self-love to stand on my own two feet. Me… I made someone happy? That realization changed how I see myself. Now I recognize how fragile my ego becomes when it lacks validation, and I plan to regulate the emotions that come with that fragility. I track these patterns. I foresee the opportunities where I’ll be tested, and I intend to meet them. I’m ready. Self-worth isn’t about chasing validation — it’s about looking inward, identifying real traits you’ve developed, and acknowledging them honestly. I can do that now. I still self-doubt, probably because learning not to trust myself was necessary to make progress against these patterns. Now I have to balance that — giving myself self-love while staying vigilant — because there is still a lot of work to do. I pray Jesus humbles me and my pride.

The devaluing reflex is coming on. I'm not done loving her I wanna continue to love her. I'm sick of these sick mechanisms. I'm a soldier but even I get tired when my mind is made wrong. I wasn't strong enough for this fight I have to be. Tears came out when I wrote to AI that I can feel the devaluing process coming on. I'm crying on the inside because I don't want to be swayed to act against love. I'm fully aware I want to love her more but the processes try and run my life. I'm tired of cognitive empathy I want real empathy. I never asked for this battle. I'm tired of searching for threats to my and other happiness. And, trying to neutralize them so they don't stand in my way of doing right. I'm tired boss. But, I'm a stupid soldier that can't not battle for love. Even if it means I have to fully understand every mechanism.

My gf likes to give me kisses and hugs for long periods of time. We had to talk after I asked AI what should I do if I have dark thoughts and my nervous system gets over stimulated and I want to escape from prolonged closeness. AI said I shouldn't self violate and endure it for her happiness. AI said I should talk to her. So I did. I just told her I'm still learning how to recieve love so shorter durations of closeness won't overwhelm me. And, that I love all the affection she gives and that she did nothing wrong all she's doing is giving me unconditional love. It's my fault my system can't recieve it. I told her she doesn't have to hold back loving me because she said she just misses me and loves me and wants to cherish our time and me and not have any regrets so I told her it's fine just give me a break once in a while so my nervous system can process and reset and get use to closeness. She was happy I told her how I feel. Seeing her cry from how much she loves me touched me so I can remember this closeness doesn't want to hurt me it's only love.