the narcissist

Please let me know if I talk to much yall and if the stuff I talk about makes anyone uncomfortable. I clog up the forums alot with my bullshit. Let me know and I'll stop doing it. 1 Corinthians 5:5 You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. This is how I feel as a narcissist. Like I was casted out of the (congregation/something holy) and delivered straight to satan with no choice but understand the seriousness of sin and to repent and to destroy my flesh to escape his grasp. Spiritual Impact The goal is not to inflict physical harm, but to shock the individual into realizing the seriousness of their sin and hopefully lead them to repentance. I never understood what sin would of been so great for me to have to live such a empty life as a narcissist never knowing love. It always seemed so unfair. Does God love me? Does God hate me? Did I even come from God? Am I cursed? Am I fake? Can I even be saved? How do I please God without love? But, I now realize it's the sin itself god hates not me. I'm one of his precious children. He wants me to turn from it and hate it like he does. It's sin itself why I'm this way. Sin is a serious offense. Everyone of them was serious. I didn't understand what I did to warrant the narcissist disease. It wasn't the 1 or the 2 everyone of them was serious. To think lighter of them in the face of judgment or while you remain unharmed will only cause you greater harm. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. I'm no longer confused by his heavy hand upon my life and infact I see God's mercy on others unlike me. I understand now my only way to escape Satan's grasp is to destroy my flesh so my spirit can escape him. I can't escape him by continuing to live in the flesh. I use to be pathetically and viscerally envious of the fact that hearts have been granted but I am without one in the wilderness. That's the lie that was sold to me. That I am without a heart. The truth is I have one like everyone else. It might not be as perfect as I'd like it to be. But it's mine. I've always judged it for what it can't do but never listened or noticed what it can do. I was to busy being envious and chasing after that perfect heart God has hidden from me. Why God? Why can't I have it? I can't do right without it. The lie runs deep. I can do right because I already have one it's not perfect but it guides me just like all the rest. I may not have heart+ with all the sick addons but it gets the job done. I abandoned my own heart because it didn't meet my expectations of what a heart should be like. It should be like his. It should be like hers. It should be perfect. Maybe it should be just like mine. I was so engrossed by the beauty of others hearts that I held my heart hostage to those standards. I said to myself I must not have one because it's not doing the same as there's. I'm sorry heart. Why would God grant me that new one when I didn't take care of the first one. Now that I look at it I know I had a part in turning it to stone. In my conscience I can hear it but I been disregarding it. Why did you turn my heart to stone God? He was only going off what I was doing. I didn't wanna hear from my heart. I didn't even know it was my heart talking. To selfish and involved in my own ways to listen to what my heart has to say. I didn't even know I had one or that it was talking to me. They told me I had no such thing. I been treating it like it was unwanted noise. I'm just now putting 2 and 2 together. Praise the good teachers God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for allowing me to work somethings out in my head. I just hope and pray I'm a useful vessel. I pray the lord forgives me of my sins. I hope I'm not just spreading lies. I hope I'm not a stumbling block.

I'm getting ready to post something really deep about my struggle with narcissim and God. If posts like these are unwanted please let me know before I post.

While trying to force the change of my selfish ways. I found myself mourning them. Which threw me for a eye opening loop. It's a sign I don't want to change yet. I shouldn't be mourning ways that have ruined lives including my own. I should be happy to part with them. But, I found that these ways continue to comfort ME... I found the problem. The need to be in this everlasting cycle of comfort despite the costs to others and myself. As long as the ways comfort ME I don't care who they do not comfort. I'm glad I figured this out. I need all the pressure in the world beating down on me. I need to know the depth of my selfishness. Thanks to the cognitive dissonance growing discomfort I can finally see the wider picture. There's a man who only seeks comfort for himself despite the costs to others and himself. I knew this but the mourning of the selfish ways made it more vivid and enlightened me to the despicable person I am. God was right. I am a lover of self. How can I mourn my selfish ways if I do not love them. With that new found despicable image of the man I am and the constant pressure of damnation I see cracks forming in the armor that keeps my conscience at bay. I'm thinking about reaching out through the cracks and breaking the armor but I know I don't have the strength for what awaits me unprotected. Pain, Remorse, Guilt, Honesty, Duty, Accountability, Weakness, Responsibility, Discomfort, Fatigue, Restlessness, Failure, Trying, Tests, Walls, Powerlessness and Disappointment. All for Grace, Mercy, Strength, Vigor, Forgiveness, Joy, Fulfillment, Purpose, Freedom and Love. Damn learning about narcissism was a test that lasted 5+ years now I gotta put everything to practice. Though I'm scared to rip off this armor cause I'm fucking weak. My tests have all piled up and damn must I say that's a shit tone of tests God. I thought it was fun to beat narcissism now I'm running out of the analysis portion of the test. And, got to be forged through adversity. I already came to far from anayzling my ways that I have to face the wall I can't go back. It truly is humongous. Atleast to the pitifully weak. I thought I was fr about beating narcissism I didn't know I'd have to move this weak body. Thinking is easy. Actions are hard. But there's nothing left to think about. No more excuse. And with the excessive amounts of pressure on me I'm feeling the weight gradually. Just know if I do this I will need support Lord. The amount of weight out there for me will crush me. I won't even be able to fix my face in front of the ones I love. I'm really thinking about changing more than I have before. I feel the conviction. Have mercy I'm a sinner. I'm preparing all my strength and might not move this weak body yet. I just know I'm closer than I ever been to moving. I can recognize my heart now. It's telling me to move. I hear it. I'm ignoring it because of how strong it would have to be to move. But, I will give it that chance soon. I just need to process this and gather my strength. Thank the good teachers God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit for this breakthrough and conviction. I take no credit for the ability to anayzle myself. I pray I can be a vessel for his divine will. I hope I'm not a stumbling block or a lier.