the narcissist

I should really treat myself to something to celebrate that a narcissist is able to learn internal validation they said it was impossible. I overcame so much. After I finish smelling the roses. I have to face the final boss responsibility and accountability. That shit does life drain damage. I pretty much conquerored everything else thanks to God's strength except mirroring I don't know why tf I do that. But, that one not hurting anybody so it's a side objective. Now that I think about it... It could be damaging but I have bigger fish to fry. I haven't even cherished all my victories yet but whatever. Responsibility and accountability. The bane to my existence. Why do you hurt me so much. I often wonder why God didn't give me a strong spirit moved to action for others. But, Jesus says the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. It may not be a problem of my spirit after all like I thought it's just my flesh is weak. It's susceptible to fear, exhaustiom, and selfish desires. I been praying & begging God for any type of fuel to overcome my flesh. Because I lack emotions strong enough to move me cause I'm a narcissist. I been begging and praying to feel the holy spirit move me to action for the spirit to just have it's way with me. But, neither emotions came or did I feel the super natural presence of the holy spirit. I know I have the holy spirit or I would not be able to love God or draw near to him but I just don't feel it. But, guess what God answered my prayers for any type of fuel to overcome my flesh. I now have a rightoues anger at the devil for trying his best to deter me from being in alignment with God and my purpose. The voices fucked up by hurting me non stop last night. At first I was angry at God how could he allow these voices to torment me for so long. But, then I realize God is allowing the voices to torment me to produce in me perservance, character, and hope. And, boy did these voices have a big effect on my character. I can see through them with my discernment. And, they pissed me off trying to con me out of my hope and purpose. Today I am filled with a rightoues anger not at God but at the devil and these voices. Now I ain't going for nothing. They don't know they playing with a crash out. They poked the lion and done fucked around and found out how much a soldier I really am. Thanks to the torment from the voices and the discernment God has given me. I hear there accusations and get angry and shut that shit down because I know Jesus sheed his blood to advocate for us. The devil advocates against us. The voices are the opposite of God I finally understand that. God said resist the devil and he will flee. Instead of allowing myself to be tormented I'm up now it's my joy to shut down there attempts to torment me out of seeing who I am in Christ. Out of seeing how loved and protected I am. I'm active now in upholding my faith. At first I was like God help me I can't uphold my faith because I'm suffering. Now I see who causing the suffering and that fills me with rightoues anger to uphold my faith. And, retaliate with the words of God and God promises firmly. I know this suffering was to test and refine my faith. And, boy did it. I finally have the fuel I been asking for. I just remember how they did me. And, I can get fuel. I just remember what the thief is trying to steal. I can get fuel. No matter the voices and the devil accusations Jesus says he is still mine. I finally have something I can cultivate a rightoues anger towards the devil so I can then crucify my flesh and move forward in joy that the devil is powerless to stop God's plan for my life. Jesus died on the Cross for us and rose on the third day with all power in his hand. The cross rendered the devil officially defeated, stripping him of his legal authority, ultimate power over death, and right to condemn believers. While his power is broken, he is not yet destroyed, allowed temporary, limited influence until his final judgment. Believers operate in authority over him, not fear.  The voices don't bother me now because of my faith has become more firm. Thank you Jesus

I just understood boundaries for the first time thanks to the word sacred. I won't be posting about sensitive topics anymore. I feel I may be crossing boundaries and making people uncomfortable. Sorry I'm a narcissist I didn't know. No one told me so I can learn what not to do. Thinking as others as sacred helped me realize I don't want to be like those other narcissists. I'm truly sorry it won't happen again. Sorry I'm so dense and insensitive. Please forgive my transgressions. I'm no better than the people I despise. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize the error of my ways. Lord forgive me. Edit: And, to the guys sorry if my ramblings scared the females away. Truly, thank you all for putting up with me I learned so much being able to express myself honestly while also learning about others. I don't know how to repay you all and this space. This new sensitivity for what is sacred is opening doors.

Finally learned to control my primal instincts to defend myself. That will come in handy. Yay for vulnerability.

@a_wesley_g Thanks man. I hope you overcome your struggles with that aswell. --------------------------------------------- Just a rant I can validate my heart anytime I want but that's to much like defending. I don't want to defend my image and heart. I want to accept a changed image and a changed heart. Changes happen and instead of trying to defend against them I accept this new image. And, I'm quite alright because I stopped fighting it. I went from wondering why I'm not liked and defending my heart and image against that to accepting that I'm not liked and being cool with that. I'm not defending my heart and image against not being liked and I'm not fighting to be liked. I just accepted a change to my image and heart. Not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I don’t need to fight to control how people see me. I can still respect myself and keep growing. I'm not liked I don't have to fight it I don't have to defend against it. I just accept this new change. It's not like I will die lol. It just hurted because I defended against it and fighted for it not to be so instead of accepting it and just chilling with it. It's cool I can validate my heart though. And, it's cool I can stop my primal instincts to defend myself. I'm learning which is so much fun. God is good.

It feels so good to be a oddity that narcissism can't hold in place. And, I'm only getting stronger. Never give up the people that say things are impossible never wanted it bad enough. Don't let someone decide your fate without even trying. And, you will find that the impossible is possible especially with God. Strength Through Adversity you gotta want it. I won't give up till I die. I'm on my naruto shit. Give up on me giving up. Might aswell. I can chase after the lost heart till the end of time. Even if it's pointless like they say. I know it's not. My chase has been fruitful.

Real life picture of me and what it's like to be a narcissist. We will do anything not to grow up. We just want our needs meet or we get angry. Your not the baby I'm the baby. Imma baby how am I suppose to meet your needs. I need sleep and to have my needs meet all the time. Yep take a look at the baby man the most deplorable branch of humans. It is what it is. I'm getting stronger though enough to act my age. A baby doesn't have strength for the road ahead. Only a man does. Take a look at this man baby yall boo this weak man. Hurting others because he don't want to grow up. Boo the fucking narcissist a blight on the fucking world. Go ahead I deserve it. I been fighting but many times I choose comfort over growth. I think just because I did the impossible I can pat myself on the back. I'm still a fucking man baby. Just because i grew up a little which they say is impossible I became happy. Look at this fucker think he can do the bare minimum and escape the reality of being a man baby saying yeah look at me I took my first step but I gave up because it was hard but I'm Learning. Little nigga everything fucking hard. No body wants to hear about your puny steps. You should be moving already. Everyone else moving they don't give af how hard it is. Who tf do you think you are where you believe you can get away with giving up when shit gets hard. You know how many people you hurt? Taking steps isn't optional of when the baby feels like it or when the baby learns to take a step. You know how to take a fucking step. Don't delude yourself just because you fighting a disease that they say impossible to beat and you made progress that you a decent man. You know in your spirit what it takes to be a man. Delude yourself if you want you can't get time back. No one should like you don't give af because your fighting when you complete what's you know you should complete in your spirit then maybe you can have the luxury to worry about that. Worrying about if people fucking like you smh. You lucky to even have someone in your life who fucking loves you. You know you don’t deserve her. Tick tock mother fucker what's it gonna be grow up and show up or go to sleep like a little kid and pretendyou have no responsibility. All this luck in your life and you moving like you had it hard. You even know how lucky you been. You know everything you been gifted. You know nothing about Adversity. You think you know because you fight this disease how about you complete what's in your spirit and I'll acknowledge that you went through some shit. Don't ever let me catch you thinking about why am I not liked again. Like you deserved to be liked. You funny you don't deserve shit i don't care how unfair the illness is. Count every blessing you have and don't forget it. Sorry I had to give myself a stern talking to.

I rely on anayzling people to let the little pieces of them change me for coherence sake. Many narcissists struggle to see themselves without distortions so the best method we have is to see ourselves in other people and through other people. We watch your every reaction because people are the puzzle pieces to ourselves. For some reason we can't complete the puzzle of self alone without distortions. So we rely on others judgment and validation of us to see ourselves. Most narcissist would like that judgment fixed to there same upheld beliefs about themselves. They will try to manipulate you by only telling you information about themselves that paints them in a good light. And, they will leave out the rest of the bad information. No matter how much they coherence to reality and your coherence to reality suffers. It's all the primal instinct to defend the mask of perfection. We go to such greats lengths to defend the mask of perfection cause it protects us from acknowledging our mistakes and exposing the shame of who we are and feeling the shame of who we are and being seen a lesser than we envision. Though thanks to my fighting narcissim publicly here on this site and not receiving likes or validation for fighting the good fight that most narcissists don't care about I cried and realized that no one has to validate my heart and I only could. I switched from external validation to internal validation during that realization at my lowest. I'm glad nobody validated me because that is what ultimately set me free from needing others love, attention, and validation. Not that i don't need people i just depend on them differently. I expose the shame of who I am because I'm not trying to defend the mask. For a narcissist I have a strong inclination to being truthful and vulnerable over being cool and seen as more or superior rather lesser. Though that inclination doesn't always win out. The primal instinct to defend the mask of perfection is strong. Also, I have a woman who loves me for who I am so the selective pressure of getting a woman won't be the demise of my authentic self. And, because of that I have no inclination to be cool here just truthful and vulnerable to understand narcissism even if I have to be viewed as lesser even if my weakness makes others cringe and hate me. I rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. But, that is half true for me. It's a battle to expose who I am. Edit: I now have a internal identity from validating my heart that others can refine. Instead of others views being the crux of my identity. I went from borrowed identity to internal identity.

Jesus allowed me to understand empathy for others for the first time. My heart never formed and I'm in so much pain because of that. That I realized that no one should have they heart destroyed. I'm in so much pain that i never want to be the reason someone feels a similar pain. You can't be like me it hurts to be like me. It's so unfair to be like me and I've been unfair to many. The hurt inside me was so unbearable that I realized the damage I done to others. The pain inside me will move me now I can't let your heart resemble even a fraction of this pain. I asked God to move me for others sake now I understand wounds of the heart. The thing you have is precious I won't be the reason it stops functioning like mine nobody should have to go through that. This unbearable emptiness I won't let others experience it. This is the only empathy I can understand it's imperfect unlike yalls. I may still misunderstand but I'm trying.