I confess it's always strange when i dream about someone from here. Especially if I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought of them in a long time.

@yaasshat My condolences for your son's loss of his grandfather. It appears he at least got to spend enough time with the man to create lasting memories that hopefully will serve him well in the years to come. As for your apathy, I can empathize with why you have that view of your former wife's family. That said I feel you did the correct thing by at least acknowledging your son's relationship is different than your own with how he's tied to them. It goes without saying human connections are layered with many different intersecting paths with people coming and going throughout each individuals life. One person's experience can genuinely be different with the same individual you personally had difficulty with. Both circumstances can be true based on his and your personal interactions with said grandfather. Loving your son and understanding why his relationship was more positive than yours with the same man shows you have the ability to discern others' feelings in a healthy way. My family is equally fragmented. My mother and I often clash because her relationship with specific family members tends to be more negative than my own. Often she'll say in front of me something very negative about these people that were important to myself. In regards to her mother, my grandmother, she'll vent her frustrations even knowing I didn't have the same experiences and had nothing, but love for my grandma. I as the son/grandson have had to compartmentalize both my mom's and I's feelings into separate categories to maintain peace between us, however I do find myself hurt when she still comments disparaging thoughts about a woman long dead for decades. All this to say, I would only advise being guarded around saying anything negative about your son's grandpa in front of him in the years to come. We often times don't realize how our offhanded words could be affecting the people we most care about when we do. Hopefully whatever experience you genuinely had with the man you were able to at least bury with his casket and move on with your son's brighter view of the world as well as his future with that side of the family.

Dropped by the flea market and grabbed some off brand cologne. I admit I bought it purely for the name, but it actually smells good.

Doing my best to get through this week. Long story short, my 3rd job, a freelance gig editing music/video, somehow turned into me performing on stage for the dance group that hired me. This is turning out to be a lot more demanding than I expected. Been having a lot of sleep/free time eaten up by this. But the whole thing will be finished this weekend. Phew!

I hate myself for not crushing this disease. It literally took everything and then some crazy shit to be semi decent. I hate narcissists not fighting there traits. And, I hate how easy people are so willingly manipulated. I hope one day people will stop following narcissists. Or the narcissists will take there dangerous personality serious. It's not a game. Stealing / winning there trust just to be mediocre is a crime. We don't deserve that trust but atleast let it make you more than you are. Because people are counting on you. But, they look typical to me. All the shit in there system I see it in my system. But, I haven't seen any form of suppression from them like grow up. You should be on overdrive honestly because of what you are. I know I am. Why do they have time to be the typical stereotypical narcissist. They must not hate it to the core of there being. It must not trample on there joy as a human. They scared of taking L's because of perception. Instead of taking them for the sake of the truth being exposed of who the man is there following. Cowards I love my L's because I know how I deserve to be viewed. Anyone who views me differently after knowing the truth well I got alot to prove to them. These narcs are far to typical like they can stomach living with the illness. I know alot of the narcs but none of em to look up to. Sad as all hell when you gotta solo grind because all the narcs just typical. Do any of those mfs wanna beat it or just use it. How can you be careless and so free with all those people counting on you. None of these mfs I can look up to. Even have to deal with the delusion / dream that maybe I'm strong enough or important enough to forward the bar of us being more human. Because I know others out there like me hate it as much as I do with no proper role models that they can look at and not see the symptoms. Stupid ego. But, it is what it is they need these men to play the game for them. They say it's the age of truth lol they fking around. Narcissists got the biggest truth to tell but they cowards having everyone believe there shit don't stank. But, it's still in game phases. Lol it would be funny if a narc would tell you they shit stank. Then maybe I can be like oh we not playing no more. Are the games over? But, we got to many games to play lol. They said age of truth lol bruh. All it is is pointing blame. I got alot to say about this damned disease that I would probably die for. I hate narcs that think because they love you a little that it's ok to have fun and not remain vigilant. I hate the ones who play games with people hope. I know they do it because I got to fight not to do it. Fucking disease all these fucking narcs so erratic and eccentric and unserious like you not literally plagued and in charge of people. Making mistakes like everything you do doesn't echo. Grow up. It's not fun to be this way. Love your life after giving everything to the ones counting on you. That's the way none of us want to do it but that's the way. Mfs acting like they can continue to live normally being connected to people in such a way. [Insert rambling Fuck no you noob you don't get such a joy. Why should you have such a joy you gotta ask yourself that. But, I can't talk I'm one of them. What makes sense to me is complete sacrifice of self that's the route I'm undertaking. To become what my love ones need. Having only the capability to create a better mask to mask the darkness doesn't hurt when you let the ones close to you know you have nothing and are ashamed. Ask for there forgiveness and acknowledgement that you are enough regardless of how you must function. And, be done with it. The mask isn't so pressured when they know what you are. Just be vulnerable when it pretains to upkeep of the mask that you formed to love them that they said is ok. I bet these other narcs don't have the time to feel shame that's both good and bad. They get more up time but there uptime isn't as good as it could be haven't experienced great amounts of shame for prolonged periods. But, God says carrying your shame is bad. I took a bad path it almost consumed me. So, I probably shouldn't recommend that path. Just fucking do something and stop being so typical. We ain't got no data because none of us working our ass off to be different. End rambling]. I'm still a problem myself but I got plans and things are working I'm slowly expanding how I care and who I care about. Another thing I hate are people who idolize the darker aspects of life and personality like atleast lower your chances of being weird. Nothing about the shit is cool especially when shit gets real like grow up. But, I guess having to fight it constantly made me less likely to do something like accept more knowingly.

I made homemade mochi for my New Years party, would recommend if you can find the ingredients and have too much time on your hands

https://youtu.be/uvwB9sKNfP8?si=Otr2vzg-17NG2tR8 Some people just not there bro https://youtu.be/4vRoG0zGSrg?si=dOHEOeMZnMCUZoWA

https://youtu.be/vkfZ-lZ41w0?si=DWbhKcwBYZasYybl https://youtu.be/XdK9dqVHXx4?si=Hz0kVMlCg6mqf88q https://youtu.be/684OmM66hKI?si=DUoewlEH5NvqjlIT

Anyone still remember M.U.G.E.N? https://youtu.be/0n1mWWVRTgg?si=RhU4qPvzuyCvv6Wl