Confessions

@Muffin senpai it's just for now in a month we will go for vacations then go back to Norway together ^^ but still I can't stand being away from him

I confess that most of the time it is not true when someone says that they will always treat you or think of you in a certain way because all you need to do is act differently from the way they expect you to act and they will suddenly treat you differently even if they say that they love you deeply

I confess that I've never had ANYONE say that they'll think of me in any particular way no matter what, nor say they'd treat me ALWAYS in a certain way. I prefer to go off what I can see and hear on a regular basis, anyways. If I'm told I'm loved or I say that I love, there WILL be undying respect, care, willing sacrifices, forgiveness and there WILL be mistakes, regardless.

I confess that I use controlled distance emotional tactics to protect myself emotionally. "But Tessa, everyone does that." Not so much. I have never learned how to control my empathy for people. From the time I was a little boy I have always cared why a person was suffering, sad, or in a bad situation. I have never been able to learn the coping mechanism people have that tells them "Chances are that person is in that situation because of reason X or Reason Y" ....and so in order to keep the butter that is my emotions from being spread across the massive slice of bread that is life....I control my distance to an obsessive degree. I confess that from the time I was 12 years old and my mother got sick I have been depressed. I have gone to several mental health professionals. Tested for spectrums of autism, depression, anxiety and other associated things. They all come back negative, yet I cannot have a "good" day. I spend my days wondering why I am bothering. Up until 9 months ago my life was contributing and taking care of my fiance', she was my life, my world, and my purpose. It was not a healthy commitment by any means, but it gave me a real driving force in my life that I hadn't had in over a decade by the time I met her. (For context I still go to therapy regularly where I am completely transparent about everything I think and feel, apparently I am still fine) I confess....that without that driving force in my life, without the life I built with her, and the "friends" I lost as a result of the lies that were spread to make our separation look like my ex was a victim....I feel worse than I have ever felt. I lack purpose, direction, a support system, and a general sense of why I should feel any sort of investment that I should care. I confess that I am a broken individual that has wanted nothing more than to have a sense of belonging somewhere in the world. That I am constantly hurting whether I am awake or asleep, and no matter how many days go by it never gets better. None of it has. Age and wisdom just make it worse. I confess to always being called strong, yet always feeling so weak.

Mary your awesome, I Always looked at you like the cool kid on this site that seems alot like a High School for Adults. ^.^ http://pa1.narvii.com/6345/fea8b6d7b2c568307fce28a828d6c0c40af05974_hq.gif

@testarossa. Dude you have both my respect and my sympathy, life can be both cruel and mean. It hurt to read everything you got through because at times I feel like I'm to empathetic as well. I can't tell you how to make it better, all I can say that even though you think of yourself as weak you are strong. Never stop trying. You are braver and stronger than you know, I wish you all the best my froend