Tales from the workplace

Today they brought a mandrill into work. Told us it was a new employee with a specialized job. Just throws golf balls at people's shins to make the job a bit more frustrating. Grill chef got pelted pretty badly. Person on fries lost a tooth. A customer's windshield got cracked at the drive through. I got off lucky. Continued my job of sticking my hands in soapy water to grab something, only to sprint back wiping them with paper towls and telling people how much their meal is at the back register. Couldnt get a single dish done. Steady stream of cars all day. Almost ran out of money because too many people think I'm the bank and want to pay with 50s. That mandril was my only company while closing. Didn't make it easy for me...

@lewd_araragi A Mandril is far more than a mere monkey. It is 88 pounds of pure testosterone with a pungent odor worse than the spray of a North American skunk. But yes, I did see a stubby tail when lining up for my turn to get whacked with a ruler. This confirms they are in fact monkeys, not apes. And no, I was not trying to look at its multicolored butt. (Its hard to not look at though. High contrast compared to everything else in the environment.) Not actually as closely related to baboons as once thought. Yet as they are still on the threatened species list, we are not legally able to fight back. And it would end very badly for us if we tried. Even as a group with the weight, height, and leverage advantage, we simply lack the pure tenacity and brutality of the Mandrill. If you're wondering about the logic behind the mandrill, our hiring manager has deemed that as they are social primates with the ability to use tools (They often use sticks to clean themselves), they are in fact higher on the intelligence rating than the person I was brought on to replace. When asked about this, she simply gave a hand wavy remark like "Don't smoke pot when you're young." This does not bode well for my job security if I'm expected to be on the same playing field as our new hire.

Sounds like a call from the health department would of been a good idea. And workers compensation claim for those that were injured

While the rest of the world looks to the future cautiously regarding A.I.... one bold creature reminds us everything has the propensity to return to monkey. I'm talking about the hiring manager, not the Mandrill. There's the punchline. Take that shit to Killtony.

@rafaelsanzio You know what we know so far. We're looking into it, but we don't even know who she procures the chicken from. We did find a lead on where the bacon and beef patties come from. Found ties to the Amish maffia. There's this little farm yonder way o'er em hills. Haven't seen any cows or pigs, but thats gotta be were they're held at. The Amish have it pretty well guarded though. No way we're getting in till the heat dies down. @lewd_araragi Health department? Don't you think we've tried that? Same weird Mennonite guy every time. Dude has a beard like Abe Lincoln. And a hat like ABE LINCOLN! He ain't honest like Abe though. Pretty sure he works for Granny Hard-ass. Also, little known fact. Wendies crew members don't get worker's comp. We get fined instead. Comes straight from our pocket or direct deposit from our bank account. Pretty sure its illegal under Ohio state law, but... There's no HR. Instead, we're taught to improvise, adapt, and overcome. @verucassault If only. There is no punchline. Anyways, I have another story, but I'll tell it tomorrow. Encountered my first Karen on the job today. Shit was kinda crazy, even by my standards.

Honestly this whole story seems like it would be worth suing your employer over, especially if people have lost the tooth. Maybe you should get a health inspector in there while the mandril is still there