Inappropriate things to say at a funeral?

My best bro (friend) on his death bed told me to take care of his little sister. Don't you worry bro. I'll be her new onii-chan ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

External dialogue: "Oh yeah I'm saddened for his passing. He was such an outstanding member of the community. He was loved by me and his peers" Internal thoughts: "Good thing that bitch is dead. I fucking hated that fucker"

"All I can remember about Dorothy is that she gave some good head. Although she may be cold and stiff now, I'll get a stiffy every time I think about her. May she rest in peace."