Mental Illness (Mental Wellness)

Arc discovered a weird quirk about me last night. I always told him I was a bit claustrophobic. For some reason he started watching a cave crawling video. I can't watch them, getting through that scene in the Descent made me very uncomfortable, but seeing people do it IRL is leaps and bounds more triggering to watch. https://youtu.be/CFm9wakNChs The Descent stuck scene https://youtu.be/G7iaCsmHmQI

My brothers used to dogpile on me when I was little, sometimes pinning my arms or putting a pillow over my face.. you know, for fun (assholes). I can say it with a comedic edge but I seriously believe it is the reason why I developed my anxiety about being trapped and small spaces. Fear of being trapped is Cleithrophobia.

Idk how I developed mine mentally. I think it was my father making me feel like I could not leave my living room in my own home years ago. It was him yelling at me like a dog about my mom finally claiming back child support he never paid. Almost busted a glass bottle on his head that night. He is dead now anyways.

I found that when mine died I wasn't mourning him so much as mourning the father I never had. He wasn't that bad in my eyes as a small, small child but when you get to the age where you notice the fighting, their actions that you begin to see were wrong with how they affected everyone else.

Being bipolar sucks and it sucked for as long as I can remember. After many different attempts, I finally found a medication that made it suck less. It still sucks, but it is not as bad as I was. I am thankful that it works, and hope that it continues to work. I just wish it worked better. And then there are other things I wish I could change with medication that still don't work. I am beginning to wonder, is medication essentially cosmetic surgery but for your personality instead of your looks? It's expensive (at least in the US), it can work differently for different people, you can get fucked up from the wrong stuff, and it's all to make you more socially acceptable it seems.