Who knows?

I have no good way of wording what I'm about to ask, but here goes nothing. I'm a person who has recently gotten over quite a bit of mental trauma. I was abused, and hurt a lot by other students and staff for the majority of my school career from about 3rd through high school, and (call me pathetic if you'd like) am feeling the effects of it now in my adult life. I was seeing a shrink for Major Clinical Depression and PTSD. I won't say I'm at 100%, closer to a 70-85%. I can keep myself in check enough to function normally and comfortably, and (remarkably) without medication. So, now that I'm mostly alright now I wanted to actually try something out with my life. That something being, maybe I should like to meet some new people. To try and break down this wall I put up, but to be frank; I cannot bring myself to do that, and it takes me a long time to trust anybody. In many ways I still feel like an outsider, and while I have made peace with that; it does mean that my own drive to actually interact with other people is kinda low. In addition, my time as a social pariah hasn't helped my social skills; my mannerisms and speech seem to creep people out, I come off as emotionally dead, or detached. I also have a tendency to keep IRL conversations to a bare minimum in the interest of just getting business done. I do not do small talk, and I am not good at colouring my language to make people feel better. When I do try to make small talk, it's usually very forced, and very stilted. I've lost two potential friends because of this. I do often make the joke that I must be some Lovecraftian beast or an Eldrazi; because those who walk in normalcy find me unsettling and uncanny. I don't know what to expect, but I guess I'd like others to weigh in; does anybody else have re-integration issues? I'm trying to come out of my hermit's shell and it never seems to work out quite right.

Firstly congratulations on working through your past and not needing a pharmacy to do it as mental health if often bad about misusing drugs on their patients to their detriment. You are still young and a good looking guy yet to hit his prime so you have time to get the rest of the way there. By your words I think you will be alright if you stick to moving forward in your life and believe you will make it past anything as you survived much already. My childhood was more neglect than direct abuse save for a step dad who only spoke in negatives and talked everyone down into depression. I was bullied in school and when the beatings started requiring the ER I got forced into martial arts by my mom - Kempo. Being mostly raised by my mom and big sister I was an effeminate cream-puff and got screwed over in many ways growing up until I learned how the world works the hard way. I broke out of my shell enough to catch the eye of a true friend who reached out and helped me break free but I had to work for it. Now is the time to take the reigns of your life firmly in your hands and steer it towards whatever it is you desire and ride hard towards it never looking back or stopping. I would first think hard on all the things you want to do with your life and prioritize them as goals. Put some smaller goals under your belt first to gain confidence before tacking the bigger ones. Figure out your passions and talents and embrace them finding ways to socialize through them like clubs/teams/bands. Self-actualization should be your number one priority. If you are not sound in your actions the results will be flawed too and it takes practice to master so don't get discouraged. You will have to take some hits to your ego and change to gain proficiency and durable character. If you have poor social skills there is a litany of award winning books and online seminars that teach social behaviors and how to understand and interact with people better. As a man you should be cultivating your masculinity and do things that raise your testosterone hormone levels naturally. Achievement of goals, learning, exploration of new things, and hitting the gym to lift weights some are good ways to do this. The more you do and succeed the more you will become self confident as you should never rely on others to validate you. You have already worked past what kills others and still ready to go, remember you can be as strong as your will. Good luck friend... I throw these Dune quotes out a lot because they are from fiction but tell a real world truth: “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” "I'll miss the sea. But a man needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change, something sleeps inside of us and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." ― Frank Herbert, Dune

Huh...a lot of what you just said hits pretty close to home with me actually. At home it was mostly neglect, had to be my own dad for the most part and I was pretty much also raised by my mom and big sis. I did enroll in Karate to try and learn skills to stop getting beaten up at school. I was an effeminate creampuff too, except I do carry one pretty dark part that I'm not too proud of. As a middle-schooler I was actually sexually assaulted by other boys because I was indistinguishable from a girl. I hit puberty pretty late, and I had very long hair at the time. I do feel comfortable in my sexuality and gender identity, but I will say that moving past that was quite difficult, and it gave me horrible trust issues. I'm sorry, I got off track for a sec there. I have a very vague idea about what I'd like to do with the rest of my life, mostly it involves me making indie games and perhaps do some writing. Right now I hold a job as a security guard, but I see it more as a means to an end and less of a potential career. I know I shouldn't be replying to each point given, but it does help me sort of sort my ideas out. Cultivating my masculinity...huh. Never thought about it that way. I may need to give some of those things a try, perhaps sign up for kendo, and get a gym membership...I love martial arts, and the study thereof, so maybe that'll be an aside hobby (other than anime/manga/japanese culture and history that is). Thank you for your input. :) It's definitely good to hear (or...read I guess, heh...) from a person who comes from a similar place, and has more experience to work with. Also, Dune is an amazing book! I appreciate the advice, and I will make an attempt at some of the aforementioned activities.

Good to hear it man. When you find you passions your hard work will feel easy and tireless. Do what you love and you will love what you do and do it well and you'll be happy doing it. All successful people have said something like this as it is one of those slivers of truth in the world. Build your social skills as you need to make connections and network to succeed in most trades; it saved my ass. I would advise not trying to date until you are in a solid routine of taking care of your goals. You will find as you go naturally more people are attracted to you as friends and certainly sometimes more but don't get gamed until you are ready. Study, work, win, rinse and repeat.

I can say that kendo is a great idea if you want to cultivate your masculinity. You have to shout when you attack and it gives you confidence. Be prepared to get some bruises here and there, though. Very fun sport.

I had a lot of bad things happen in my late teens & early twenties. I know today those things still haunt me. In my dreams mostly... I just have to wake up, do a reality check and remind myself of the holes I dug myself out of... But it does make me wonder if the things I struggle with now will give me nightmares in the future.

I can relate to getting picked on in grade school a lot. While I wasn't the least popular kid in my grade, I was probably one step above it. I was in the nerd/geek crowd quite a bit, especially as I advanced through middle and high school. Fortunately I can say I was never physically abused or assaulted although I came close to a couple of fist fights in high school because I was getting sick of the douchebags in my grade picking on me and my friends, but passive resistance was always the best resort. They were only doing it to try and get a rise out of me and ignoring it usually made it stop after awhile. Is it any real wonder why I always rip up and throw away class reunion invites when I get them? XD I honestly could care less to what happened to 90% of my graduating class. As soon as I was able to move away that first Fall after High School, I did for school and to get away from that puissant little village I grew up in even though my mom and Sister still live up there and I visit a few times a year. Anyways, I can't say for sure how much those experiences effected me in college and my adult life, but I'm sure it did some. It took me awhile in college to really open up to people and even now I am always a bit of a wallflower in social situations. Small talk is really difficult for me as well, and trying to ignite conversations with complete strangers is always difficult for it not to come across as forced or awkward. Working retail as I do forces me to interact with people and getting up off your couch and out and about even with friends is a good remedy to beat back those introverted tendencies. It's why I joined the local convention staff and make it a point not to sit around the house if I can avoid it when I don't have much going on. I'd say just take it one day at a time and take baby steps to beat back those feelings of isolation and break down the wall you described. It won't happen over night, but over time with the help of family and friends, you can climb out of your shell bit by bit and be a happier person.

When I was younger, I was a bit of a recluse. I didn't really fit in at school, and was struggling to make friends. Eventually, it became social anxiety, and I started to avoid people. I skipped school a bunch, and spent as much time as I could inside the safety of my room, where there was no one but myself. I spent all my days on my computer. This went on for more than a year, but eventually I realised that I wasn't happy being all alone in my room either. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to talk to people. The only thing was.. is that I was scared to. That fear was the reason I had hid myself away in the first place. But I was starting to fail my classes; simply because I hadn't attended them, so I decided to give it another try. I would go out there. Talk to people. Try to make friends. ..Of course, it wasn't that easy. Even when I wanted to say something, I couldn't just freely speak. I would freeze up. Every word I said had to be clearly planned out before I said anything. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. People made comments on how quiet I was. Others were creeped out by it. There were countless awkward conversation attempts, and it looked like I would never fit in. Until eventually, I just... did. Since I spent a long time alone, I kind of forgot how to speak to other people. So I looked at the people who were considered outgoing and personable, and tried to similar traits in myself. I practiced how to smile, walk, talk in a way that seemed inviting, not creepy. It was a long, hard journey. And even now, I wouldn't exactly say I'm that amazing at talking with strangers. But I have heaps more self-confidence, and for the most part, get along with others. I guess what I meant to say is.. These things happen over time. Conversations might be awkward now, and people might think you're creepy. But even these conversations give you experience. You learn things from them. If you just work on yourself- learn how to present yourself, build up your self-confidence, eventually you'll 'level-up', and it'll be easier. Good luck and keep trying! (^v^)/

@kenshinjmc I can relate to your post I was bullied at school the least popular person in my grade/year. Also I can relate to the staff part to few didn't like me. well done for getting through your mental health issues. Those types of experience can effect you in adult life IRL I don't make small talk either, freak people out am awkward, but in time I sure you make new friends that you can trust.