Scared to open up to love becuase of Emotional Issues

Well im not looking for a relationship right now,i feel like i can't handle,im looking for more a companion/cosplay partner

I grew up in a house where I was abused constantly. My mother beat me, 90% for no reason at all because she either lost a lot of money gambling or she was off her meds. For the longest time, I kept everything inside, because I was beyond afraid to voice my feeling. About two years ago, I came across a friend who had went through the same thing and he opened up to me, and I opened up to him. I finally realized that not all people are going to be judgemental or violent, that there are people in this world you can trust. Although it may take some pain and heartbreak trying to get through the awful people in this world that you will come across, they make finding the good people (which you will find) worth all the pain you've endured.

Its hard to trust people, especially if you had bad experiences in the past with relationships, etc. Its one of those situations where if you know you are not ready for a relationship, you are ok. Heal on your own time. If you are in a sitaution you are afraid to love but want to be loved. Well can't have both.

For me, expressing an interest in someone is something I don't really have a problem doing when the time is right. The problem is sometimes I'll read signals the wrong way, and take simple flirting and/or lots of conversation as a sign they might like me when in reality they only see me as a friend and they do the same with everyone. I've been friend-zoned more than I'd like to admit in all honesty, and that fear of asking someone to hang out which could weird the opposite party out to the point of making our friendship extremely awkward is always hanging in the back of my mind. I'd say in the last 5 years, I lost two good female friends after I asked them out because they weren't interested and didn't want to be around a guy who they knew liked them and saw nothing more than a friend in. They never came out and said it directly, but I could tell things were very awkward when I would hang out with them or with groups of friends to the point they didn't want to hang out any longer and drifted away from me and our circle of friends.

I am generally not interested in relationships or one night stands for that matter, because I am severely lacking in the sympathy and empathy departments (I'm more or less a sociopath). There are very few people who can respect that my brain chemistry is different and as a result I just decided to seclude myself and avoid physical contact with other humans, I can only really relate to depressed or outright "crazy" girls because they know what it is like to be shunned for things you dont control. However I have never been able to offer the emotions required to function in a relationship and my longest running ones was based on me utilizing my acting skills to fake emotions, its the best I can do so dont really see why I need to be hassled for it, and so after several crash and burn relationships I just decided to be extremely blunt, telling anyone i'm interested in what my deal is straight off the bat, needless to say I have lived in sexual abstinence ever since, as a result i learned that the truth is NEVER the best option, but you cant build anything meaningful on deceit, so chastity seems the only solution... Now if only I could convince my body of the same...

I was in only one relationship which was 6 years ago,me ex and slept next to each other of course made out among other things but we never had sex,i still haven't had sex at all,it's just i can't go and do it on a drop of a hat,i have to have to like the person,or at least share some common interest with them it's all about chemistry and pshyical attraction to me as well i can't have one with out the other! it's like when i tell people i've never 'done it' before they either might luagh or be really shocked,it's a bit embarassing and sad to me.But i've stayed like a nun these past couple of years,but the only bad thing it fucks with your head!

@Roze: Don't worry about the virgin thing! If you look at some of the other threads like "The reason your still single one" and stuff you'll find out your not the only one. Most of us (I use most as to not over generalized and just drawing from what I've read) understand it completely, theres also some waiting for marriage too so don't worry about it and hopefully you'll find your one ^^

Rozecoplay, with your feelings on sex, I am in the same boat. Just for me things didn't feel right yes there was a desire but then something just didn't click to go with it. I am still a Virgin that that's ok when the time comes it'll happen I feel. The biggest issue I have is someone trusting me. I will give full trust but if I can't receive it then it all burns out. My other biggest emotional issue is, why love me there are people a lot for handsome then me, and I tend to put other ahead of my own needs. I do like your idea of a cosplay partner/ companion I had a few alot time ago but they moved on saying it was time to grow up from that. I wish I still had someone to cosplay with or at lest make costumes with.