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healthy_walrus

Shizuki Okabe

32 year old Male
Taken, Straight
about 7 hours ago
OH
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healthy_walrus
Gurgaon is clearly an ancient beast spoken of only in half-remembered prophecies. A many-headed creature of glass and concrete that sheds its skin every fiscal quarter. Those who enter seeking shelter are tested by traffic, construction dust, and trials known only as ‘rent negotiations.’ XD
wei_ying
What in the fantasy world? What even is a Gurgaon, sounds like some mythical beast.
wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying Ahhh, that makes plenty of sense, thank you wise one.
healthy_walrus
Shizuki Okabe @healthy_walrus Gladly, Madame. I lost three hours, two brain cells, and one shoe to learn this truth. Such knowledge is never free.
wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying Not your beautiful shoe! But, you effort to seek truth is greatly appreciated by me, and to show my appreciation, I shall gift thee a brand new pair of shoes.
healthy_walrus
Shizuki Okabe @healthy_walrus A new pair?! Your kindness heals both sole and soul, Madame. Your generosity shall be sung of. May these new shoes carry me safely through the beast’s domain and away from peak-hour traffic.
wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying Fear not, my lord! For these shoes are infused with ad-blockers, so you shant run into any of those pesky merchants as you travel.
healthy_walrus
Shizuki Okabe @healthy_walrus Ah, blessed be these enchanted soles. I shall stride forth unbothered, untouched by pop-ups or shouting vendors. No banners shall assail me. No hawker shall cry “limited offer” in my ear. Only smooth passage and merciful silence. Your foresight is legendary, Madame. I walk protected. Should I ever find a way to return the favor, I’ll consider it an honor.
wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying You already return the favor by wearing my gift to you. Rest assured in knowing that, most importantly, you are protected from the mighty Gurgaon and it's evil business schemes, you shall meet people who mean you well on this journey and not those who seek you for your coins, my lord.
healthy_walrus
Shizuki Okabe @healthy_walrus Then I shall wear them as one wears a vow, Madame, with care and gratitude. To walk such a realm and meet goodwill instead of schemes is a rare blessing. And upon my return, I shall shower thee, Madame of fair faith, with gifts worthy of such foresight. Your protection goes with me, step by step, and I will not forget the gentle hand that placed it there.
wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying You flatter me so, my lord. I shall gladly and patiently await your return and the gifts you shall bring, while resting easy with the knowledge you are protected from the harshness of strangers.
healthy_walrus
This is strong. Kathos feels heavy and real right away. You’re good at atmosphere and scale. The opening cell scene works, and the caravan section does a lot of world-building without dumping lore. A few things to think about as you keep going: – Watch sentence length. Some run long and could hit harder if split. – There are a few spelling and grammar slips that pull me out. Easy fixes, but worth a pass. – You sometimes repeat the same idea twice in different words. Pick the strongest version and trust it. Overall, the character comes through clearly. He feels dangerous, tired, and controlled by others, which makes the arena scene land. I’d keep going. I’m interested to see where you take him.
dregon45
Jan 30, 26 at 7:48pm
1 Kathos Champion In a lonely cell, deep underground, sat an old man, grizzled and scarred. A giant compared to everyone else. Past the sounds of rattling chains and the stillness of the dark, the murmur of a busy crowd could be heard above him through the skylight in his cell. His cell was roomier than others, but not by much considering his size. His bedding had hay and thin blanket, a luxury the other slaves, the other gladiators weren’t given. As was his right; In this ring, this small colosseum, he was the uncontested warrior, a champion. A walking mystery he is. He speaks the common tongue, but it’s confirmed he understands a multitude of languages. Where he originally hails from is unknown. {Rumors say he was found by a passing caravan in the deserts of Caldea. Wearing only a leather kilt, boots, and leather bracers, all worn with time. It was assumed that he was a run-away slave considering his scars, yet there was no mark of ownership, a brand to indicate who he belonged to. To a traveling merchant like the man who spotted this half-dead giant in the desert, a rain-fell of gold from the gods. The brawn on this slave was almost three times larger than anyone he’d ever seen. The caluss on his hands suggested he knew how to weild a weapon. When he finally awoke, it was nightfall, and he had been caged like a feral animal. Just outside his cage was a man charged with guarding him, and not far off were a few more people all around a campfire laughing and drinking, speaking in merchant gibberish. “How much do you think we’ll get for that big oaf?” Asked a small man with a mouthful of food. “Such a stupid question! Do you not see the muscle on that giant? With my connections in Carthans, no less that 400 gold. If you hold your tongue and let me do the talking Debju, we may secure a full Bullion[1000 gold].” The Caravan leader spoke, verbally jabbing at Debju, the young man with bad manners. Ab-dallah, the caravan leader, was an older man that looked like tanned leather from the desert sun. His beard only had a few strands of grey hair left, the rest were whitere thatn the bleached sand of Caldea. “Gentlemen.” Ab-dallah rose a glass of wine, “The Goddess of Fortune smiles upon us. May she continue to bless us on our travels. Ah-salla.” “Ah-salla,” all the men near the campfire responded in unison. Before Ab-dallah could sip his toast, a scream shot out from the direction of the cage, the guard assigned to watch the new merchandise was dangling in the air, being help by the back of his neck by the caged brute. The brute had ripped the water-skin that was hanging on the guards waist, then threw him several feet effortlessly. The rest of the caravan sighed in relief then laughed, “A thirsty on he is.” Ab-dallah chuckled, walking up to the cage. “That shouldn’t be such an easy feat. That man weighs as much as a pregnant camel. Yet you threw him like a pebble.” He didn’t get a response, the brute was chugging the water-skin dry, some water spilled on his body. “What do they call you? Hm? What is your name?” Ab-dallah had asked slowly in the common tongue, assuming the man was deaf or a mute. There was a pause, before Ab-dallah could turn away, “Kathos.” Responed the giant with a deep bellowed voice. “I am Kathos.” Ab-dallah smirked, thankful that his new find could in fact talk. “That is an..odd name. Where are you from?” AB-dallah had asked still speaking slowly. “I don’t remember,” Kathos had responded in their language, but is was broken. The men were shocked, Ab-dallah laughed and passed his gratitude towards the heavens. Debju ran up to the cage, face still covered in grease, “You speak Deser-tik?” He asked Kathos with a nervous smile. “A little.” Another broken response from Kathos. The conversation continued in merchant gibberish. Debju offered the giant a leg of meat cautiously. Kathos reached through the cage, his hand could easily engulf a mans head, and yanked the food from the miniscule man, and tore into it like a ravenous beast. Kathos ate while the caravan sat there watching, not knowing what to anticipate. Ab-dallah broke the nervous silence that filled the camp, “Kathos.” The giant just looked toward the man but did not respond. “where are your scars from?” kathos looked across his body, and a mixture of emotions swam over his face, “Battle.” Was his only response. There were a few audible gulps in the crowd surrounding him. The men began to murmur to each other in a coded talk, “My lord. This could be very bad for us!” Ab-dallah only smiled more, “Or the most fruitful venture we’ve ever had.” He stated stroking his big beard. Debju interrupted in Deser-tik, which got an angry response from Ab-dallah, “What if this monster tries to escape?” The dooor flew off the cage and toppled a tent that was over a dozen feet away. Kathos stood there with his fist extended. All he did was lay down in the cage, then closed his eyes. Ab-dalla slapped Debju to the ground. “He is no monster you buffoon! He is a Titan with his spirit broken. My sons, this will be the easiest bullion we’ve ever made!” He sang out in coded talk. “Ah-salla.” He heartidly finished his toast and spat the last few drops into the camp fire.} A guard clanged a spear against his cell, “Champion! You’re fight is coming up, ready yourself.” Kathos didn’t respond. He slowly rose from his bed, then cracked his neck. The guard just walked away trying not to let is show that he was intimidated. A few moments passed, then the same guard returned with five others in his company. One man opened his cell while the other gripped their spears tightly. Kathos trudged forward, each step a deep echo through the underground. The closer, he got to the entrance of his prison, the cheers of the crowd could be heard “Mighty! Kathos! Mighty! Kathos!” Kathos stood there, still in the dark as the guards handed him two blades unique to him, one a straight sword, the other curved like a serpent. An announcer could be heard over the crowd, amplifying everyone’s excitement for the up coming fight. Two corpses lay, one missing his head, the other an Orc, miss both arms. A large cat off to the side gnawing on one of the Orc’s arm and opposite to the entrance where Kathos stood was a man wearing black scrap armor and wielding a long-arm Khopesh. “’Lo, we have a worth contender my dear fans! So far 10 notable fighters have been slain by our honored guest, Deser-Kest ‘The Executioner!’” The crowed roared in response. “Surely, it is only fitting to have our champion, the ‘Mighty Kathos’, be the true test of this warriors measure.” The crowd stamped and went crazy, the whole arena shook. Red tapestries unfurled on the walls with Black portraits of Kathos. “Our champion, undefeated, for nearly five years running! Our champion who has ripped apart contenders with his bear hands! Who’s wrestled grizzlies! Who-,” each feat that was shouted got a louder response from the crowd. The Kathos stomped out, and the people lost their mind. “Here! Is! Might! Kathos!” the announcer shouted. Kathos raised his crooked blade, some men with red paint over their faces roared, a few women exposed themselves. --- this is what I have so far but i'm still working on it. open to criticism but please soften your blows a little lol.
dregon45
dregon45 @dregon45 "You sometimes repeat the same idea twice in different words. Pick the strongest version and trust it." anything in particular that you could name? i know i have a habit of doing that from what I've been told but I never recognize it until someone points it out me.
dregon45
dregon45 @dregon45 "You’re good at atmosphere and scale. The opening cell scene works, and the caravan section does a lot of world-building without dumping lore." thanks for that btw im a firm believer in that regard that you dont need 50 pages of mythos for a good story leave the environment/atmospher detailed just right and people will understand things just fine.
healthy_walrus
Shizuki Okabe @healthy_walrus Yeah, I can give a couple concrete spots so it’s easier to see what I mean. Early on, you describe Kathos as a giant compared to everyone else, then reinforce it again with his cell size and later with how easily he throws the guard. All of that works, but you don’t need every layer every time. One strong image usually does the job. Another place is the caravan scene. You show he’s treated like an animal, then restate it with how they talk about him as merchandise. Both are good ideas, but you could trim one line and let the action carry it. Same with his mystery. You say he’s unknown, then list rumors, then restate that no one really knows him. Picking the cleanest version will make the mystery sharper. None of this is bad writing. It’s just a confidence thing. You already land the point, then circle it once more. Trust the first hit.
healthy_walrus
You post stock lines and drop a link, They look like poems, or so you think. They copy form but miss the part Where words take risk and come from heart. Real poems don’t announce or sell, They sit. They fail. They don’t fit well. They’re written by a breathing mind, Not sorted, tagged, and reassigned. This space is for real voices here, Not prompts that echo, cold and clear. If that’s all you came to do, This isn’t your room. Please move through.
attitudeshayari9
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wei_ying
Forgetful Mommy ® @wei_ying *applauds* Beautiful!
healthy_walrus
Totally agree, people don’t realize how much it affects everything else in life. It’s just as important as physical health.
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