Well, since Noone else offered any advice, I will lend mine. I love to read and write myself (although I don't have too much time for it now). I like it alot. It's got a good flow to it and some cool imagery and allegorical stuff. With that being said, there is room for improvement. There are times when the allegory switches back and forth between the play and real life that kind of distracts a little from the flow of it. That is the main issue I had with it. As long as you keep posting I will try to give some form of thoughts on it.

Haha voli XD

I've done a few mostly technology and the only game I've supported is "7 Days to Die". Other than that I've backed about 12 projects in total and still growing. All which have been successfully funded or overfunded.