Religious rants

I'm finally aware of which Bible I'm down for. I'm liking the KJV version from reading and looking around. Also, I discovered how deceitful my heart is in my relationship with The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. Which I'm ashamed to talk about because of how I spend more time studying how to not falter on the battlefield instead of actually winning my battles to prove I'm a good & loyal soldier of Jesus Christ. I'm thankful for his guidance, love, mercy, and patience. As I learn from the ways I've faltered to the enemy attacks. To then dawn the full armor of God for my next assault. It is a honor to wear the Breastplate of Righteous and serve him who is the rightoues protecter of the unrighteous. He who took on Father's wraith so that our feet may be shod in the Gospel of Peace knowing Father is not mad and there is good news for us sinners. I'm thankful for the Helmet of Salvation that let's me know all my sins and shame will be washed away by believing and fighting for my Master. I'm thankful for the Shield of Faith that allows me to march forward despite the enemies attacks. Knowing he will uphold me. And, the Sword of Spirit which is the word of God that cuts through the darkness. It's a amazing, cool, and awesome privilege to be a Soldier of Jesus Christ. I'm not a good soldier yet. But, I won't stop trying. For each fight I undertake no matter the costs to me it is displaying my love for the Savior. I find it easier to disobey my deceitful heart by knowing what the current cost to me is that I don't wanna pay and saying I pay this cost to you my Lord. I'm so happy I'm understanding how to build a proper relationship with the Lord. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier. And if a man also strive for masteries, yet is he not crowned, except he strive lawfully.

My schizophrenia finally looking like it wants to go away. Don't know if it was all the prayer walls I got put on or my attempts at fasting. I just know it wasn't fun getting abused until I saw the depths of my corruption and the error of my ways whilst simultaneously not having the power to change it. But, I am thankful because it pushed me to get closer with Jesus. Because I was forced to know the dire straits I'm in without a proper relationship with The Savior and Protector. I think the Lord let me go through all this to accelerate me coming to him. If I didn't know the real fear of being forsaken by the world & the heavens how would I appreciate his promises. If I didn't know the real fear of spiritual attacks how would I appreciate his protection. If I didn't know the real fear of sin overcoming me how would I appreciate him who overcame for us. If I didn't know the real fear of I'm out of time how would I appreciate his Grace. If I didn't know the real fear of hell how would I appreciate Salvation. If I didn't know the real fear of being the weakest alive how could I appreciate his compassion. If I didn't know the real fear of missing out on the blessings & gifts how would I appreciate them. If I didn't know the real fear of my own powerlessness how would I appreciate someone being in charge. If there wasn't a real fear for my life how would I appreciate him who is there for me. I think the only cure for narcissism is Jesus. I mean it makes sense for one's who think they can be there own God. I should of known I could not overcome my sin alone. That's what the Savior for. I put in hella work aswell. But, best we can do is manage it. I'm thankful we can't overcome it without him because our minds have to many traps it's best to be renewed. Still looking for a healed narcissist to this day. I seen the weight of this sin I can't compete. So, I don't trust the man that say they overcame it without Jesus. That's a dangerous game to play solo. I reached the end of all my roads and that shit said come back with somebody stronger. I have neither the power or authority to progress. Plus my power would of always been tainted with self worship anyway. I knew I needed help when the power I struggled to gain to overcome my sins would strengthen it. Like the sin was saying we can do this all day man. I'm good bro imma just turn my life over to Jesus. I don't wanna play a broken game of no end with increasingly harder levels for each bit of progress. Rather just win the stupid game with Jesus.

I think I was more receptive to the voices than others because I stagnated in defeating narcissism myself. If all they wanna do is drop awareness bombs and make me fear for my life I think that's a pretty good trade off. It's a healthy fear to know what could happen to you without a proper relationship with The Savior and Protector and that they not playing with me. I think it's kinda ok to know the depths of your corruption because you realize you can't wait any longer to go to Jesus. I say kinda ok because it's burdensome and could make you sink further knowing how corrupted you are. I'm just happy I get to learn and go forward with new information all the time. Whilst being thankful for all the grace and mercy I receive to keep breathing because I don't deserve it. Gotta keep racing the clock cause I don't deserve no time. Voices have been quite though. That's good. Edit: Just realized I'm suppose to cast all my worries on Jesus. I been listening to the devil by worrying.