A woman approached my half-brother's wife to ask her if she could speak to our father. My brother upon being informed was skeptical initially, but she knew the names of both his and my mothers and was well informed about other more distant relatives who later confirmed that they too did know of her.
It turns out that my father had had an affair with another man's wife over 30 years ago and both made the decision to keep it a secret. My newfound sister unfortunately suffered being cast out of her home by a man she always thought was her father when her mom broke the news to him what had happened years before.
My sister having been tossed around the system eventually found a life for herself in her adult years and had a son.
Now after DNA testing she is asking my brother and I if we can put together the missing pieces of her past.
Both of us are not sure what to do. My father is being distant about the whole affair. I feel terrible for her because the life I had with our father was much different than hers.
I don't know where to begin, but I want to help. Does anyone have any suggestions.
I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you can help too, but there is one absolute thing you have to remember if you do help her: Can you afford to help her for the rest of your life? It's not that I am saying you should not help, but from what you have shared with us, she is dealing with a lot of stuff. I guess the only reason why people asking for help these days is not so crazy is due to the COVID quarantine ruining a lot of lives.
This will not be the only time she will ask for it. She might even ask a lot from you. As long as you understand that and you are able to set limits on how much you are willing to help it should be fine. Also, do you care about how your father will react if you do help? Good luck. I wish there was an easier answer to your issue.
I'm not sure what there is to put together really. Your dad had sex with her mum. That's it. What does she mean her missing past?
I guess what she means by her missing past is to know more about her father. Like how his life was after the whole ordeal, growing up with his kids, what kind of man he is, etc.
Since his/their dad is being distant, she's asking him and his half brother instead
I used to be a social worker and these sort of stories would cross my path. The problem is its hard to get the whole story wrapped tightly into a nice package to convey to others the entire story and how everyone feels.
I'm sure you all went through a bit of shock getting the news. Its unfortunate your father doesn't want to communicate with her, I'm sure he has his reasons but its not her fault she was born into that situation.
However, if you all choose to meet up and get to know each other, do so slowly and with caution at your own discretion. Remember it's not your fault either.
I looked up some things, trying to find similar stories. Many people out there find out later in life they have half sibling, from adoptions or like your family story.
My oldest brother is my half brother.
Growing up, we slowly found out he had a different father. They didn't hide it from us, they just didn't talk about it. Well the assholes in the family eventually started talking about it around us as children. Then I started noticing some of them calling my brother a bastard. So my mom told us the full story.
My mother almost had an abortion because his bio-dad essentially abandoned her. When my grandmother found out she talked my mom out of it and they tried contacting the guy. They got ahold of him but he had moved away, wasn't coming back, wanted no part in raising a child.
Sometime after this she met my father. He fell in love with her and stayed with her through the pregnancy. I think they were married a couple months after my brother was born.
My brother's bio father had met someone, got married, had kids, and they eventually did move back.
When my brother started high school we found out his bio-father's wife worked at his school as the nurse. Looking back she was the only sensible adult at the time. She knew her children would eventually start going to that school, foresaw how awkward it would be for them all and tried getting my brother and his bio-father to meet. It took a lot of time for my brother to do it, but he did. I believe my mother and the man also had some phone conversations to try and smooth things out. There was some left over animosity from my grandmother, after all, this all started from a teen pregnancy.
It all worked out in the end. I believe when my 2 brothers and I were in highschool, so was my brother's oldest half-brother. (They look just alike, btw). Then a couple years later it was me in school with my brother's younger half siblings.
When my brother got married, they were all invited, when he would host Thanksgiving or Christmas, they were always invited, and when my brother started having kids, they were always invited to get-togethers. They fully accepted him and he returns the sentiments. I think with the way my father's side of the family treated him, harshly or blatantly differently than me and my full brother, he deserves this kinship with them.
I hope this gives you some insight.
@verucassault @redhawk @wik @manga_bird
Thank you for responding and helping process this challenge. I don't take my sister's dilemma lightly and am working to find the best solution.
My brother is very interested in talking our father around so it's not a lost cause.
My only problem will be my mother.
So it stands as this.
My father wants nothing to do with my sister. He's taken the "Can't change the past. Not my responsibility" path.
To be clear, my sister has not asked for money or financial support. She just wants closure and to understand her family history.
Why I am personally pissed is this man has preached for my entire life the importance of family.
This man himself has been going through family history because he too wanted to know more about his family's origins given his broken past.
The hypocrisy is through the roof.
Man talks about "honor, being a man, and how much the military set him straight!"
Yet here he is running away from his own damn daughter he abandoned because it was too much trouble.
Plus let's face facts.
She's a woman.
She can't pass on the family name so piss on her.
And this mother fucker wants to remind me how fortunate I am that he stayed in my life to raise me.
Bitch that ain't a privilege, it's a God Damn Right!
If my happiness came at the expense of someone else it isn't worth shit!
Not to mention he still won't admit to my brother why he walked away from his mom.
Yet my brother forgave him and I went along with the whole "we're gonna make it cause we are a strong, Christian, military pride family."
What do they say in the military?
No "man" left behind?
Damn shame she had to be born a woman right?
Oh, and while we're at it, the grandson is half black.
Wrong color I'm afraid for this family portrait.
If it sounds like I went too far. Don't worry, like him I don't give a flying shit for this family's image. Not after that shit show of a discussion.
Damn, I'm sorry to hear that.
Huh, did you actually voice all that to him? In those exact words? Because he should be told he's being an ass if that's your view.
As for his wife/your mum, it's really nothing to do with her. It isn't like this is the only time another kid has come up considering you said he left your brother's mum. He got someone pregnant long before he met her, so that's that.
Also he has no say in whether you want to stay in touch with your sister either. If you want to form a relationship with her then that's your business.
I don't think you should speak to your father with that much anger. He's definitely not gonna listen. There is always a nicer way to convey your thoughts and what you think is right. Walk the anger off before you speak to your father again about it...if you haven't.
It is your right to pursue a relationship with your long lost sister. Just remember the worst that can happen- Your parents might never want to talk or have anything to do with you again. I know you probably feel like that's not a big deal, but it is. Think this through before you decide what to do next.