Mental Illness (Mental Wellness)

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom. Edgar Allan Poe

im taking care of my girlfriend who has mental health issues due to her ex partner beating her up and raping her and my cousin who suffers from depression due to coming out a 12 year relationship cause her ex partner was selfish and now is emotionally abusing and manipulating her seeing them suffer in different ways helps me understand different mental health types its a horrible thing to watch tho but im doing everything in my power to help and take care of them and make them happy and my mental health is been a bit wonky due to one of my friends passing away and work stress its been a rough few weeks

I legit, have had depression since age four, only thing that countered that was I learn to meditate around same time, I started getting depression, from trauma of girls/women and random strangers attacking, yes at age four... Born with Aspergers, and two other variants of autism, which I to this day still haven't not been diagnosed for in last 37 years. This not including, dyslexia, auditory deficit disorder, potential schizophrenia, which I do not talk about at all with anyone, because, that alone, makes people assume you might do something to them, even tho that is not true at all. So I been a constant state of fear, the anxiety of not only people but myself, over around 33 years straight. I'm constantly being told or treated like I might hurt someone since age four, I stop going outside altogether at age 10, while being treated like I can not be emotionally intelligent enough to know what someone else is feeling or even remotely achieve empathy if I have autism, which is stereotyping an entire spectrum of people... As we as human being overcome our own obstacles as we decide to attempt to overcome that which society tells us isn't possible at all... Then I notice people, even lied as much as they do, not even till age 18, mind you, when my teacher threw my test in the trash for me scoring higher, on a test, then rest of my class, is when I eventually noticed at all, any form of red flags or that people lied at all higher than I thought. As growing up, I would think I could be friends, my alone automatic attributes would consist in random people, prejudging me, which would lead to either me, being made into their pretend school bully, to being attack by random persons. At first I was just avoiding people because I was taught from age four, that I would sexually assault anyone at random, no one seem to grasp I had autism, due to my emotional intelligence being higher than normal.. But kept running into adults, who couldn't understand how I would and could still be avoiding people in fear of myself being, male by itself even still to this day... I tried for 17 years to date after I turned 20, I consistently kept meeting horrible people... I would try to make friends, they would turn into a whole reenactment of a soap... First woman to show interest was a suicidal cutter, who specifically stated she wanted to drink my blood and potentially watch me bleed out, then I am not suppose to be traumatized by that... lol Some women have gone as far to tell me I am stupid for not doing, what she asked, while ignore any positive traits I might have, while ignoring, I am hopeful of it being joking that they wanted me to be with someone who I didn't know. Who actually meant to harm me for her own sexual gradification, very specifically, on the grounds that since "men" do already, making it fine to hurt complete strangers... When in fact, I would like to just not be hurt or abuse by anyone, who I will consider a friend or potential girlfriend.. I in fact have never had a girlfriend, I'm not even mad at about it or annoyed or frustrated as much as waiting for someone who decides that I am worth it. Because I know I am, regardless of my being lazy and loving anime and vidoe games more than a normal person.. lol I didn't get a job till age 27, became a sterilization tech, lost my job for seemingly my employees not knowing I had autism and just letting go without a word or reason.. hard to find work, but between that time, I been attempting to become a YouTuber for last 7 years, with the incentive of not only helping people who help me grow who stay subscribed. But to help people who have issues themselves, want to ask me questions on how to overcome specific states of mind. Because while I been clearly alone most my life, and my social skills do indeed suffer and I may even be a tad to feral looking or acting for some folks? lol But I genuinely care about other peoples well beings, 50% of whatever I earn will be initually pooling to go to my community on my channel at random. People can ask for how did this or that, and I will explain in detail how to do or and how you can do and for free. No I am not on any meds, I don't go to a doctor, I don't condone or recommend no just not go to their doctor but at the same time, human mind is entirely stronger than you think. Sometimes you just need someone else who believes in you and cares about your progress at all. As I definitely probably a sucky friend? I probably suck at everything having to do with relationships, probably why I never had one before? Who knows? But differences is I am not scared to give a damn about others at least and I am willing to help peopl even incrimentlally to even grow in their own ways. Even if that means I give of 50% of my money to help folks, in most cases, we make our own issues others, and our traumas each others epigenetically, as there is a lot going on. People for most part don't understand, even that epigenetics are entirely completely only solely genetics, traumas, pains, anxities, fears and every other emotional response can be transfered and hardcode through mirror cells through epigenetics. While same time, we live in a time, were people are proud about not caring, but do not realize there will be a long term consequences, and I am not sure anyone is ready for the potential of. Everyone, not caring, all at the exact same time would look like... As I know chaos, and it won't be considered chaos because it will be far worse then what people think is already bad now, and while I have no kids, I do not wish anyone to have to go through more bullshit. =P Maybe that is my mental illness? That I'm willing to care and refuse to lie about every fucking thing just to get by in life? lol