welcome back to jo's rants

k; here's the gist of it. i'll probably be leaving the site soon. i feel disconnected from the community and what not, you're all different people from me and it's so heart-breaking to see that i just can't form connections over the internet without my heart exaggerating what it's feeling. i wish i could actually feel like i was friends with any of you. it sucks so much. i need real-life, and i'm currently trying to come to terms that i have anxiety. not bad anxiety, not light anxiety, i just have anxiety. i'll try being socially active IRL, because online obviously doesn't work. i hate myself. there, i said it. i'm slightly angry. i don't like who i am right now, why can't i just be the things that i want to be right now? more discipline. i want to work to becoming someone i'd like being, while still being happy with myself. i need to see that i'm putting in proper effort into becoming a good person, otherwise i won't like myself enough. after anger comes disappointment, even though i said myself that i want that step to be immediate. channel all anger => disappointment. works a lot better, for self-improvement too. god. i don't want to be that person who's obsessed with themselves, but i guess i just am. right now, i only want to work on myself. if something comes my way, so be it. that's how i'm gonna try living life for a while. dm me on discord if you ever wanna talk, not available through weekdays and if you live in america/asia, mind the timezone i live in. (although i doubt any of you would hit me up, no offense, i'm just not the like.. most.. friended person? i don't know how to explain.)

slowly becoming depressed and i don't even care. if it gets me attention and makes me not feel forced do anything, great. fuck life. it's weird too because i'm really enjoying uni, and it's been everything i expected and a bit more. just.. not enjoying parties anymore, not enjoying being with people, not enjoying making new friends, slowly losing emotions, not being able to display emotions right, trying to live a perfect life has made me lose interest in life. it's not that i want to die, not that i don't look forward to things, but instead the feeling of it not being reachable. i want to be able to live a life without regrets, and it's not gonna happen. i'm never going to be happy and have the right people around me, do what i truly want, be happy, not be a disappointment to my parents etc. etc. i can't live up to the expectations i've set to myself, but don't want to set any of them aside. they all seem equally important, and i can't pick between them. i don't want to live a dull life either. i don't want to anymore. i wish i had someone i could hug and cry to. what point in trying is there if i.. im gonna try. never mind, that's the fucking solution, just try anyways! sorry for this post. i'm gonna fucking try. oh and look at the time, 1:20 am. bed time for Jo. why is he not sleeping? because he's being depressed. it always happens late night too. again, writing stuff down fixed my feelings, and i don't even have to post this but i'm gonna anyway. but still.. i don't look forward to the next 4 years going to be uni and the same feeling that i'm having right now. i don't think it's gonna change, even if i want it to. i enjoy uni, but fuck this. the people in my class are nice, but there's no real click unless i can be real with them, but it's weird because they're all older than me, and i haven't really gotten the chance to talk to them yet. i just want friends, the struggle is real. why did she have to reject me. it'd fix everything. fuck, i wish she'd have said yes.well, fair enough tbh. she probs deserves better than me lel

oh and uhh, bettering yourself doesn't make you happy. it betters yourself. it's something i've figured out recently, and you should know it. you can better yourself all you want, but it won't make you happy.

Hey! I was reading through a lot of what you wrote and if you would ever like to talk about it I would love to talk! It takes so much to be so transparent and I really give you credit for that! I can relate as I have recently come out of a depression a few months ago.

life update: everything's going bad lol i really dont give that many shits anymore. writing this down makes me feel like shit. it doesn't help me process any emotions anymore to write. there's nothing left for me apart from the unbelievably boring life i'm going to be living. i don't really see the point in life if i'm stuck. because i am stuck. I feel like I'm in a bubble right now but all I am is the air in the bubble, and all I need is someone with a needle strong enough to destroy the bubble. There is no such person. That person exists in my dream. Writing stuff down like I'm a poet doesn't help me either. It just helps me visualise the situation I'm in. I wish things were better and I wish things would have gone right, not wrong. I don't want to die, but I don't really look forward to living life as it currently is. I've come to terms that I am fucked. Guys: If there's one advice I want to give you is that life is about balance. You should not focus too much on yourself. You should not focus too much on school. You should not focus too much on your social life, and you should especially not be wasting time doing things on your own. Humans are social beings, therefore, get out there. Don't sit there, in your room, alone, because that's where I am and look where it got me; nowhere. I'm invisible unless someone puts me in the spotlights, or if I do something weirdly spectacular. Social media is making me feel like I don't exist. School is making me feel like I am incapable, inept and not smart enough. My social life is making me feel like I am depressed, and am not good enough. Any form of entertainment makes me feel like I am wasting my time, and wasting resources. Refusing to do chores for my parents makes me feel like a disappointment. My youth ruined me, my personality and everything that made me unique.

thank you for your kind words. I know i need to get a therapist but i also think talking isn't gonna solve much. don't really have the money or time for a therapist though :(