welcome back to jo's rants

you don't have to read this. it's just a public diary, so it's for me but it's open for you guys to read it. don't feel obliged to read about my rants. I enjoy writing stuff down because it clears some of the fuss that's going on in my mind.

herro agane I am currently waiting in overwatch queue and i'm pretty bored, i have a podcast in the background but still kinda bored. I was going to go to france today but my mom is still suffering from her migraine, which sucks. currently playing overwatch PTR. they added 2-2-2 role lock and IT'S AMAZING. I am 100% sure it will fix competitive for like 80%of what's wrong with it right now. even if there are people who play off-meta heroes, it's less bad. it feels like more people will start trying. good buffs, good nerfs, honestly, great. for OWL viewership too, no more goats which basically increases viewership by about 30000. we're gonna have OWWC 2-2-2 and it's honestly gonna be amazing to watch. i hope they change contenders up a bit too. the t2 overwatch scene is bad. in other news, i lost at NMBR9 again. god i feel like i should be better at that game. can't win 'em all. at least i'm still straight up the best at monopoly. my family isn't that great at monopoly, except my dad. he's pretty aight at monopoly. other than that, i've beaten all of my friends at monopoly, the rest of my family (cousins and nephews), played against someone who actually competed in a monopoly competition and won. ez clap dud. i'm in such a good mood

okay. i kinda wanted to write, so here goes nothing. vacation was great, had a lot of fun. especially the last week, where i went to a folk dance camp. there's a group of people there that i really like spending time with, we always play board games instead of actually dancing. "I hate myself". The thought of saying this, out loud or online keeps popping up in my head. I don't know why. I don't think I hate myself. Yet I want to say it sometimes. It's kind of a weird thing. Why would I want to say something like that, out loud? Maybe for attention? Maybe because I actually, do hate myself? I'd like to figure out why I feel the necessity to say this so badly. Also, I talked about this with someone else already but, I don't know what it is with me and posting pictures of myself. I like the attention, I like the compliments, I like everything about it. Yet I hesitate to leave those pictures there for everyone to see. I feel kind of... vulnerable? or shy? maybe? to have others look at them. I don't want that, for some reason. For someone to be able to look at my history of what I look like or something. I'd like to figure this out, aswell. About the attention whore thing. You might've seen me post about it a few times. I don't know what it is, but I feel like certain aspects of online web-browsing have lead to exploitation of guys and the attention they want. Especially on MO. It's so obvious, yet I don't know how to explain it. The "Fetishes" thread for example that just popped up, it's a prime example of this. Guys just posting their hand in hopes to receive some recognition (mostly from girls, as most MO guys are straight) for their hands. Some people don't exactly have this intention, but just want to also post their hand for whatever, just cause it seems relevant or something, but like.. cmon. I don't know what it is about this that's bothering me. I wanna figure it out. These three things have kind of been bothering me. They are feelings I can't explain (yet). I hope I'll be able to figure out what's wrong with these things and why I can't explain it. I hope there's some social study that has done research to this kind of thing. It seems really interesting to me. also here's a higher res version of the picture i posted earlier in the post sexy pics of yourself thread. it's because i posted the wrong version, whoopsies.

okay, time to rant. fuck everything, fuck everything, fuck everything. i hate this so much and it sucks so much. fuck all things! i hateihnboui243hbfui4j2 i'm TIRED! I hate this I hate this I hate this I can't go to bed because I'm like wide awake (until 12 am). I need sleep for work tomorrow (8-5, with the way to work being 45 minutes on the bike), but my rhythm is still 12o'clock ish and hasn't changed after 3 days at all! i just can't sleep and it scuks! fnbuciujbo ok i should start off by saying I STILL HAVE NO FRIENDS also i'm meditating again! yay. it works a lot better than i thought actually (i'm trying to disconnect certain emotions/relations to person(s)) in other news, there's this super cute girl at work, yeah that's basically the news. + she thicc and smol and in other other news, i think i'm done. i don't want to host the minecraft server anymore, i'll make a post about it later, but if anyone wants to take it over you can do it. i'll still have access as it's registered to my email, but the reason i wanted to host the minecraft server is because it was just an idea. my stance on idea's is: just do it. JUST DO IT. stop saying: "what if we made a minecraft server owo and build a giant cat girl owo" and start just doing it! i mean i get that you need support from the community, but, after like 2 pages of people saying "yeah we want this" then go out and do it! and so i did it. but i didn't really think about what kinda job i'd have as the server owner. see, friendly made a minecraft server, and now the MO one is dead. i have no idea how to get it back alive again, what kinda magic i'd have to pull off, or anything like... i just don't know! if anyone has the courage to step up and take ownership of it, go ahead. i'm not the right person to host it, because i don't know how to attract people to the server. i have no interest in minecraft myself currently, so i'm sorry. PS: i won't close the server. it'll close itself after 3 months. the money baka gave me is on that account (there's like a currency thing system where you can store money on your account, and i spent all of the money i got sent on paypal on it, it's not subscription based)

sidenote: still haven't figured anything out from the last time i posted. i don't know what those feelings are. i wish there was someone who studies social studies or something to explain it to me.