Uncomfortable Introspections

Name a time that you've thought something about yourself or held a strong belief and experience or events forced you to ruminate on those beliefs/preconceived notions.

I once was religious, asked my self "Why?" and now I'm not. Standard logic vs belife, but to each thiere own. Of course, that's the simplified version. It took time to come to the conclusion that maybe living with the forced burden that I'm perpetually as guilty as Hitler in God's eyes finally stopped "making sense" amongst many other things (6,000yr old earth, world wide flood, no evolution...etc). Now, don't get me wrong, the peaceful teachings I believed in, I still believe in. To me, spiritual guru or not, Jesus still taught some pretty good moralities that even without the spiritual context, are worth adhering to. Now, I do believe there's something to spirituality, but I don't believe a name could ever possibly be put to what "it" is. Could be the universe is god. The energy that made the universe has always been, it created all that is thru the massive release of energy (aka, big bang) it createsd sentience(We're evidence of that.), it there for had sentience all a long since. I'm tired, rambling and really should be sleeping. XD

I honestly used to be a total arrogant snob when I was younger, I'd look at those who I felt were less intelligent than me as total garbage, not worth any of my time, won't amount to anything, etc. And would be very quick to judge based off of those notions. I was especially critical on other black people honestly. I absolutely hated people who I thought were "hood" or "ghetto" because I'd be picked on and bullied a lot for "acting white" since I spoke properly and never really used slang as a kid, I wasn't into sports and dressed very neatly too so no stereotypical "urban" clothes. I'd also defend my non-black peers when other black kids would pick on them, simply because I thought it was the right thing to do. It'd get to the point where they'd say mean stereotypical jokes or not even call them by their names. I mean they'd be pissed if people would only refer to them as "hey black kid!" so I thought it was only fair. But yeah, that gave them even more reasons to single me out. :u What really changed and humbled me was honestly brought on by the bullying getting to the point where I became an "undesirable" myself...Which is quite ironic in hindsight. Because of the bullying I took up using violence as a general defense mechanism, got into tons of fights, and my grades dropped a whole lot. I basically ended up as just a juvenile delinquent throughout middle and high school. Eventually I ended up finding myself in a juvenile mental health ward because I was definitely becoming an at-risk youth. But I got to meet a lot of other kids my age who honestly had much more serious issues than me but were genuinely good people, it made me reevaluate my quickness to judge people based off of their backgrounds and/or situations

I've always been more on the Agnostic side of things even as a kid, my mom was pretty religious when I was growing up and I had a healthy bit of skepticism for organized religion because I saw how hypocritical so many of the zealot church-goers who were around me were. They'd obsess so much over sin, who's sinning, who's going to hell, who's not, yet at the same time are just gushing with worldly desires. They have to come to church with expensive suits, cars, jewelry, dresses, the pastors were no better than glorified pimps too honestly. Yet they'd have the nerve to criticize other people's lifestyles. :u Despite all of that I never once doubted the possibility of God, or some type of creator existing and I don't blame people for blindly throwing themselves at any type of faith. So many people just feel the need to be part of something that they feel is bigger than themselves whether it be some type of club, organization, or simply just following tradition and taking pride in that that they're living how their ancestors lived. So it's definitely not very surprising that many faiths have survived until today and haven't changed a great deal. It wouldn't be very surprising if organized religion in some form survives until the end of human civilization.

I do that pretty much constantly. Clearly I must be doing something wrong if life is an unending hell that feels like god is toying with me and pushing me to see how much I can take before snapping and eating a bullet.