Vent

@coffeelink i was a social kid but got bullied badly in school, so probz there. 1. people are unpredictable. they can be nice and then callous. 2. i dont want them to think badly of me, and i know myself enough to know ill do something stupid and make them think that. 3. people are intimidating, and i have 0 control over them or situations. 4. anxiety makes my mind go blank so i legit dont know what to say. 5. i overcompensate by being overly nice and courteous, and i feel like people think its too much and im being annoying/disingenuous/worse that im being sarcastic. plus it must be annoying for people to be around. even when i have a rapport with someone though idk what to say or talk about, leading to awkward silences. i can smile and say 'good evening/hows it been today?/cya" but nothing more. i feel like a robot with preplanned dialogue

@momoichoi You feel like you're in hell now, I understand that. I used to be like that, and some of it comes from a lack of self-worth and even from a place; where you want people to like you just for the sole-reason of either; not reacting badly to you, or just leaving you alone generally. I understand this... I was this way once too, and the biggest piece of advice I can give you is simply meditate and accept on the worst possible outcomes of every encounter. ~~~~~~~~ You see... as someone who has been in alot of physical fights and altercations... Interacting with people is kind of like that. Everyone is afraid of a fight until you actually get punched, then it's all adrenaline after that because you realize that you're still standing at the end of the worst-case scenario in your mind. ~~~~~ Everything might seem difficult at first, but everything this difficult at first... It's like working out, Weights will seem heavy as first... but with time your body will become stronger the more you do it. This is the same in all things, only with practice and exposing yourself to that stimuli do you progress further to the point your spirit and mind broaden past those limitations. Exposure therapy and rehearsing social-interactions is like the mental equivalent of training your body. ~~~~~ The only way to become better at something is by biting the bullet and doing it... It sounds scary, I know, but trust me, just like a fight, it's only scary until you get punched. After-that... you will realize that you're still alive and it doesn't seem that bad anymore. It's okay to socially mess-up, everyone does, but always learn from every experience; even if it's a miniscule lesson, eventually you'll learn enough to keep conversations ongoing more. Remember, You'll meet all sorts of people, people who won't like you, people who will like you, etc. We all go through this in life, and it's okay to be nervous... but never stop going forward and overcoming these obstacles and learning.

@momoichoi You seem like a smart person, and I know being trapped in your own mind can be hell, but I will assure you when thinking about these things, everything seems far worse in our own minds than they actually are. Remember this and breathe when you are in these encounters... A useful tip is rehearsing encounters in a mirror, and trying to imagine what other people would say in response... may sound cringe, but I developed my own charisma by simply doing this in the mirror and asking myself stuff like... "What would james bond do?" or as per one of my favorite people in history... "How would miyamoto mushashi respond to this?" Eventually I was able to train myself mentally to the point conversations come easily and i can quip and joke with ease. Remember.... Just don't be afraid of "taking that first punch".