Vent

so i guess every day of my whole like my mom is going to be a shity person. it got old the first few years of my life, now its been 34 years and it wont stop? some people cant change.

Goddamnit nike, all i want is to buy 2 pairs of shoes online without having to go into the mall rn. You are making this difficult for me. I have tried abiut 15 times to order 2 pairs of shoes and cant. Like wtf. I need new running shoes i unfortunately had to throw my old ones away and now i cant even go running.

I wish I was deported with my family. I don't hate my white family that took me in but they didn't raise me well either. I was 3 1/2 when it happened and I came with my fair share of problems because I was put into awful situations without my family to protect me. My sister did better because she was younger and can't remember anything. There is a deep resentment I don't know how to cope with at times. I know my Mexican family loves me but idk if I can love them because I've lacked love basically my whole life and do not share their culture or language. We only found each other a few years ago too. It's a miracle I'm not some crazed serial killer or homeless meth addict tbh.

"If you came into this world a poor man, Then that is not your fault. But if you leave this world a poor man, Then that is indeed your fault." My father lied to my mother and said he was a doctor when in reality he didnt continue his education. My mom fell in love with him and they had me. My father didnt go to work, he just stayed at home and smoked drugs while my mom worked hard to feed me and my dad. I was 1 years old back then. When I was 2 years old we moved to Afghanistan which is a country at war because of the Taliban terrorists. My dad opened his clinic and became a doctor there. He fought them, he used to go out with a gun and we didn't know if he'd come back. The Taliban's used to come to my dad's clinic with guns and I was just scared, I was only 2 years. We came back to Iran when I was 3. My dad went to Thailand for fun all by himself. I don't remember much from that time. When I was 5 we moved to a village and my father got his own clinic there. He worked for the government so the pay was good. I was happy. I went to a good school in the city, we were rich, we had land and we were happy. But my dad wanted to continue his education and we moved to Pakistan. I was 9 years old. The first two years was good, we had a car. But then we ran out of money. We had to keep changing home because the rent was too high and we sold the car. We found a way to manage. My mom went to work at my school as a teacher. By doing that, me and my brother's school fees was compromised. My dad started smoking drugs again and we ran out of money. We had to rent a smaller and cheaper home. It was so small, it made one room motel rooms look big. I was hungry, I didnt have many clothes, we were in depth. To make things worse. My dad got fired. My mom starting working double shifts. By that time we had sold all of our carpets, all of my moms jewels. Even the wedding ring. All of our furniture. I was 11 at the time. We moved out of that home when I was 12. We got a slightly bigger apartment. Me and my little brother shared a room. We managed. The pipes were old, the water was salty, but we managed. Until we ran out money again. We had to sell my moms phone for 800 rupees to get by the day. Convert that to your currency, see how much that is. But we got money again and we moved out of there and into a bigger home. Me and my brother had to share a room again but it was bigger. The rent was higher too but we managed. I was 14 at the time. This is when I found my dog Rexy. I wasn't happy with it since my mom and little brother brought him home and I really didnt like it because we didnt have the money to raise a dog. But they kept him anyway. Eventually I started liking him. 15 years old and we moved again to a smaller apartment. This was the first time in many years, that we were able to afford furniture and a TV. My little brother brings hone another dog. We named him Baxter. 16 years old (now) and we moved to a slightly bigger apartment. My dad started doing meth. He hit my mom, he used to hit my mom before that as well. He told her to quit her job cuz he didnt want her to be around other men. She still secretly goes to work whenever he's out to work because we need that money. One day my dad got home and he was on meth, his mind wasnt in the right place. Baxter had eaten his shoes so orderd me to kick him out. When me and my mom tried to convince him he hit my mom and almost punched me. I walked him out for 6 hours in the heat because I just couldn't let him go. I was crying. Imagine a 16 year old boy walking his dog and crying outside with his dog. I just loved Baxter so much. He called me and said, "If you don't leave him and come home right now, I'll be there and beat the life out of you in public". So I left him Ina back alley somewhere and rushed home so he couldn't follow me. I was crying so much. I tried not to because "men don't cry" but I couldn't. Me and my Mom didn't like my dad after that. A month and a half later we found him and brought him home. There were bite marks, people had hit him with stones, he had infections and all his bones were sticking out showing that he hadn't eaten at all. He didnt have the strength to move. My dad let me bring him in and we treated him. He's still recovering but he's Ina much better shape now. Through this 16 years me and my mom went through hell. You can't imagine the pain we've been through. My father has really high expectations for me. He wants me to be like Einstein. And he's disappointed in me. I developed ADHD and anxiety because of my past traumas. I couldn't eat much, I can't sleep well, I developed maladaptive daydreaming disorder. And because of that, I have been failing my subjects. Because I can't focus and study. My mind's scattered. And I became so indifferent. I'm getting promoted to 11th grade now and I don't know what field to go in and I feel so indifferent about it. I started having negative thoughts that my life sucks. I see so many people here having great lives and they're rich and I'm just so envious. I talked about my problems with some people here and that really helped me. People told me that I should vent about my problems so here I am. I've decided to come out of this depressed state. I want to start working out and study. My life could be worse. There are many people out there with lives worse than mine. Now I'm grateful of the life I have and. My father stopped doing drugs. He's trying his best, we all are. My life right now is a lesson, that if I don't work hard, life's gonna be hell for me. I'm gonna go to college and take my studies seriously and I'm become a successful man so that my future family wouldn't have to suffer like this.

@ithurts Don't push yourself. Do not stress yourself. Take it easy my friend.