Boderline personality disorder

@Loli-BuddleCutt I'm actually diagnosed with ADHD when i was younger , my attention span is low and i have problems paying attention especially doing important meetings like my lectures etc and i also act on impulse during intense situations whereby i get mad at almost everything and i tend to curse everyone online when things dont go well uncontrollably or in my mind in real life. I went to therapy when i was much younger at a mental hospital but they didnt give me anything besides their expansive consultation fee per session. Either than that , i am really socially awkward in real life to the point i have anxiety with crowds and stuff. But i'm still able to go outside alone and with people so its not that bad whereby i cant go out at all. As for conversations , i can talk to people but it drains me out a lot and most people are just nice to me so that they can use me if they need help which happens when i was still working before. (Forgot to mention that sometimes i tend to repeat certain words which feels horrible irl) And those very few friends i have , although they are great i just don't feel better when i talk to them, because whenever i try to open up people will say "its normal " or "dont worry things will be better" , i know they are trying to help but its just people not taking mental illness seriously. And every once in a while , i get these few people who really understand me and are supportive but those people left me once they saw the real me, which breaks me more each time , even when i try to tell them or have helped or touched them many times before , they will all go . I tend to get clingy to them as well,so in the end i find it hard to believe in people anymore. About BPD , i havent officialy went for any official test except the online quiz , since i have strong anxiety when it comes to things which i mentioned earlier , a persistent fear of abandonment (which happens quite often). So i strongly think i have BPD as well. About the angry at everything part i feel you , since i also feel that way about myself when it comes to almost everything like a defensive mechanism , and that's where i get depressed once i settled down to the point i feel suicidal. Sometimes i wish i could find someone who really understands me completely , but i kind of gave up since each time i thought i find someone that can make me happy makes me feel worse . I am tempted to go to therapy again , if i can actually find "free therapy" since i really do not want to tell my parents even though they will be willing to pay for it due to complicated reasons.

@wolf i'll start by saying, that i am 26 years old, and i have been in the mental health system since i was in 1st grade, i have a pretty decent understanding of disorders due to that. i've been in and out of mental hospitals for a lot of my life from suicide attempts. i've had at least 16 attempts, but i lost count long ago. i also ended up living in the ghetto. lots of gang violence. i've seen a lot of people die. and lots of extremely messed up stuff happen. and i've done some fucked up shit myself. well... getting mugged and stabbing the shit out of someone out of self defense isn't neccesarily fucked up. but the fact that i don't know if that person bled to death after fucks me up a lot. and it still feels like i did something wrong. and i've stabbed a lot of people. point is. borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder. personality disorders can't be treated with medication, only through therapy. and the best therapy is professional therapy. not all therapists are good of course. but you have to keep looking for the right therapist. fire the ones that don't listen to you and you don't get along with. and just keep searching. i only found the best therapist for me a little over a year ago. that's how long it's taken me. i could go into my entire life story. but ill make it exceedingly brief without detail. my life was extremely fucked up, and full of events that are obscenely unlikely to happen but somehow did anyway. abuse from my adoptive mother, violence in the ghetto. etc. but my life turned around when i met my best friend. or started to. and its really quite amazing how things link together the way they do. for me, i ended up wanting to get an android phone around age 19. there was a mini mmorpg on androids called pocket legends. so i played that, and met some british guy and some filipino girl who i played with. the british guy ended up being a dick, but he told me about this game called killing floor. where i met this guy who's name was nick. im not friends with him anymore, i teased him too much because he was very normal and straight edged :\ he introduced me to my best friend and then things just continued to link from that, such minor decisions caused me to be as happy as i am today. albeit not always or completely happy, but heck, i used to not really feel a damn thing aside from fear, confusion and frustration and anger. i was never happy. or sad. or anything else. just those few emotions. and most of the time, i didn't even feel those. i just was conditioned from life to be that way to protect myself. the reason i explain that, is that because bpd is a personality disorder. well... life creates these disorders. that's how you get them. life experiences cause them. and that is something you can't reverse. bpd symptoms are just part of who you are. you can work on them to some degree but they will never really completely disappear. (a LOT of people have trouble comprehending that) many people are stupid, overly positive or negative. generally either thinking that one with these disorders can change completely and become totally "normal". or that they can't change at all. when in fact its more that you can partially change. as it is just inherent personality traits. some of the symptoms, if they are caused by chemical changes in the brain, can be fixed with medication, such as anti psychotics or anti depressants. but if that symptom isnt from a chemical change in the brain, then therapy is the only thing that works. and such issues, are extremely difficult to fix. free therapy. or whatever. is not really the answer. it may help somewhat, but you won't get the fullest extent of betterness of self most likely. i can't change what you intend to do. but i used to think that same way, that paid therapy is stupid and such. (lucky for me, im on disability income for my many disorders and also on medicaid so i dont pay for therapy) additionally. self diagnosing isn't the way to go either. mental disorders and personality disorders can all look very similar, because the way they appear in someone is different for each person. and thus two disorders can look exactly the same in terms of symptoms, but obviously, its only one disorder. and the treatment for each is different. a professional understands how to discern these. as an example. my therapist at the moment, has me set up as "schizo affective-mute" (i think she used the term mute) either way, the ending she used to the disorder name essentially says that it is likely i have that disorder, but that she is not sure. if a professional isn't completely sure on something, what chance is there that you, or any other person who hasn't had years of research and studying into psychology and therapy, can know for certain that your or their diagnosis is right? not saying you're wrong, just that one fares better with someone who has studied for years to attain the knowledge neccesary to do therapy and such. even i, who has been through this stuff for most of my life. am not a reliable asset in the regards of therapy. because i havent done research at all. i havent read psychology books for years and made sure that knowledge is ingrained in me. compared to the average person. i sure have a bit more knowledge, but mostly experience first hand as a patient. anyway i don't really know what else to say at this time. so there you have it. the national pancake institute has a message for me to leave here. it says.... "fuck waffles"

I can relate to all of this so fucking much. Even the one person talking about stabbing people and living in the ghetto.

I don't have a personality disorder but I do have APD(Auditory Processing Disorder). I can emphasis how you feel, Lonelywolf. Since verbal communications is difficult with me, there are times people get frustrated speaking to me and even avoid me. Ironically, I bond better through verbal communications and the only ones I've bond well with are the ones who sees pass my APD and personal views/opinions. If you need a friend, feel free to add me.