Vent

I can't have kids.

So much has changed in the last five years. It seems like I had a big crowd of people to entertain at a birthday dinner or a large group at the theater. Many friends have moved or gotten married. Some have changed and drifted away. One very close friend passed away so unexpectedly I still can't move on. Now my crowds are much smaller. Less faces to recognize. I wonder if life is making way for new people in my reach. I wonder what those new people will be like. What will we teach each other, laugh together about, talk about to better understand each other. Maybe I'm being wishful. I've been stuck for so long how can I expect to come across new people? Am I hoping they come across me? Help me move forward. That's a lovely fantasy. My thoughts contrast each other so well it's like I have different people inside me. I see a nice person noticing I have value inside and on the other hand I see vacant faces passing me by without a flicker of wonder. Maybe I can influence which thought manifests. I'll just keep on living and seeking something beautiful to come true. https://media1.tenor.com/images/601764996c5ba422601232c006ed559d/tenor.gif?itemid=8034578

Its been so long, since I felt this intense level of sadness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhheDdDJl4k https://66.media.tumblr.com/333936e3a4bf090af7d83b34a7cad242/tumblr_po9bjeb9Cg1tvso1qo1_500.gif I'll be fine, I just wanted to do this before I let go.

I joined a few discord servers to try and socialize, get a little confidence back, get comfortable talking to people again. I had only posted my intro and a pic in "face reveals". I look at my pic under face reveals after notifications and it's just 3 people going back and forth making fun of me, calling me ugly and shit. Wtf is the point of that? I know I'm unattractive, what they said isn't a lie but it's so fucking uncalled for. We're just a bunch of weirdos here in a discord to chill and make friends, why be such a piece of shit? I just wanna get back out of my damn shell but this kinda thing happens so much. I don't know if I want to keep up with this, but I'll never meet anyone by staying to myself. I'm depressed :(

https://media1.tenor.com/images/9ed10c0d310ed67e02edd7ac0d4137a1/tenor.gif I've tried my best to do right by everyone, in my real life and online. I've tried to give people the benefit of the the doubt, even if it bites me in the end, I truly believe in second chances. I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed I was and neither is anyone else. I'm just human like the rest of you, I'm flawed, I make mistakes, I stumble and fall, but I try to get back up and learn. I've been told that I'm someone that is filled with sadness, that I've given up on certain things in life, yet hopeful and being optimistic at the same time, to be honest that does sound like me. I'm not trying to be liked by everyone, and I know not everyone is gonna like me, and thats fine, thats just how life is and I've known that, I'm just trying to be me. Lately I've been doubting myself alot, and wondering if I'm doing the right thing, and even if I am, I honestly feel defeated and feel like giving up... For now, I'm gonna try to be me for a little while longer and to the people that feel like I wronged them, I'm sorry

I love you bro. Do not be sorry for being you. You are an awesome person who always makes funny jokes, cheers people up when they are down, and the only guy I know who can do as many things that you do. If you have to take a break man. People are gonna be assholes, fucking retarded, ignorant, and foolish despite what anyone says. Just don't let them affect you man. :(