Random thoughts...

Correct, I do care cuz I do feel so bad about it. Thou I’m scared of stuff finally blowing up and doing something incredibly stupid cuz I won’t have control over it. Today I though oh I’m feeling pretty ok, comes on here makes jokes everything going well. Hrs later gets hit on from the left field unexpectedly and I just crash and the first resort I went to was cutting. I didn’t meant to do it but it happen. The pain was just unbearable and needed to stop it. Makes me fear myself of doing more incredible stupid stuff to actually killing myself. Cuz I know when I do it and success there no turning back. I’ve regretted all time I do cut, drink anD burn myself just to make the feeling go away.

So find someone to share those feelings with. Find another outlet if not. Pain is something that will always be there sadly. But we find new ways to deal with it or forget about it for a bit. If you cant forget about it express it like you are now with words, just let it all out. Neither will "fix" you, but one option is way better then the other. And you will always find someone who cares if you look hard enough. If u think ur a burden so are they, be there for that person then in return then. If they end up hurting you go tell another friend about it dont just keep it in till you cant find another way to express yourself to make it stop. Fill those voices of pain with ones that care about you instead. Because no matter how irredeemable someone thinks they are their life is worth living. Especially someone kind like u who doesnt want to take it out on others but would rather cause themselves more pain...

Ik talking about would help, but thats a problem for me. Being a closed off person kinda makes it hard to talk to others about stuff. Mostly when I haven’t really accepted the main problem and run from it. So I’m just not ready to share with others yet till I confront it. Cuz I know if I say anything n now they know what’s going on without accepting it. My paranoia is gonna kick in real hard.

No one can understand what anyone else is going thru. Thats how i feel and others do too im sure. Your sharing plenty rn about how u feel and how ur thinking. Its not wrong to talk about urself just find someone that wont just accept what ur going thru but accept u. Im sure plenty of your friends would feel that way. People lie and try to say oh i get it cause they think you will feel better knowing that or people think everyone goes thru something hard, but everyones thought processes are diff, no one can ever fully understand someone else and how they are thinking. But they can believe in someone as a person and try to help them regardless. But even just what ur sharing now. People have already shown they care and want to help, and what to talk regardless of what its about. I dont think that will change

She is really stubborn when it comes to opening up. I have been trying to get her to tell me whats wrong for ages, sadly no luck. I can only just hope whatever you are going through you can figure it out. Dont take it as me pitying you, contrary to what you think no one is obligated to show you sympathy, they do it because they genuinely care about you. You have your issues whatever they may be, and you have your friends whomever you consider them. They are there for you to lean on, all this self harm and letting yourself spiral out of control isnt the way fam.