Rose Mommy ®

The Shirley Temple, Baby Burlesque Era was so disturbing. There was the Little Rascals as well but I don't remember anything so brazen about suggesting prostitution like in Temple's movie. Also, regarding yachting, there is such a huge loophole now with prostitution. Notice how they kept talking about girls with designer bags? That's how modern prostitution works - instead of monetary exchange, the Johns/clients give the girls "gifts". The 'escort' is then considered a date.

Just now starting my journey with Jesus. I realized I was a narcissist in 2019. I've been in isolation since then doing erratically controlled searches for ways to grow. I tried just about everything except hard drugs & proper therapy due to lack of narcissism specialists. Most of the therapists are for narcissim abuse. I was reluctant to focus on Jesus because I knew I didn't have enough awareness & knowledge to tackle religion and avoid dawning the ego of sanctity. As in holding the belief that my ways are correct & superior to others because I attempt to follow and learn from Jesus. I experienced some negative religiously charged manic moments because of this disposition but succeeded in seeing how incorrect and unready I was to follow Jesus because of them. I was not yet correct in my ways and even if I was it would make me no better than others. We are all sinners. I feared interacting with the Word of God until I was smarter & more prepared as a person. So, I learned about psychology, philosophy, introspection, meditation, cross referencing, computational thinking, and the what's my reality is based on for 5 years in a mad dash to stay ahead of my illness. I was learning alot and felt I was getting ahead of it. I was gaining awareness everyday. But, I failed to see the deeper problems of me even after giving my all in seclusion for 5 years. It wasn't until I went partially insane from conversing with myself about the dark truths of the world. Because of my low empathy disposition all I knew how to focus on was all the lack of empathy I see in myself and around me. I thought that was my ticket to learn how to do better so I followed all the pain signals to learn how others are being hurt and to think of ways said pain could be avoided for things to get better. For me to get better. But, at some point it became to much. As a follower of pain... The darkness I was chasing to learn about swallowed me up. I became bitter at this existence. I became feral at the pain points. The quiet part I said it out loud. Due to having a low empathy disposition and a veil over my eyes when it comes to all the love in the world and myself I had no way to handle all I put on my plate to know about. But, because of my erratic flailing from the pain and not knowing how far I'd go even in a incorrect state for a chance at empathy. I developed schizophrenia. I was lost in my ways. I tried the ways of the world and still couldn't beat narcissism. All of a sudden voices started telling me how stupid and evil I am. Counteracting all my erratic ventures of mind. It hurted. I was use to hurting myself but the voices/spirits don't get tired. Many times I was overwhelmed. But, I soon came to realize the thing I want so bad they are giving it to me. Which is awareness. It just hurted to follow them deeper into my psyche but without them I never would of got access so deep. They had access to all of me as if they were seeing threw a window. Everyday I'm convicted but that's what I need. I'm unsure if there demons or divine retribution from how insane I became. But, calling a kettle black is what I honestly needed. If they are demons then the fact that they can only attack you by using the dark knowledge about yourself is a plus. Cause they have to be convincing. I get to know how fucked up I am to my core. Only downside is them crushing your spirit and you turn to sin. For me since I been hurting myself with dark information for years it's slightly tolerable. It by no means a pretty situation. I just can see light in the darkness. They don't know how desperate I am to keep chasing my dream of having empathy. I'm tired of pretending. Sometimes though they show me the problem over and over when I don't have a answer for it. That really hurts. Which ultimately brung me back to Jesus feet. Realizing my struggle alone could not even compare to what help could do for me. All the things I learned only got me inches. If demons or divine retribution can blow all I could ever amount to on my own out the water. I can only imagine what Jesus can do for me. Though I am tired after that mad dash. Realizing the path I walked was but a detour. No matter how hard I sprinted the real walk begins now. It's demoralizing. I gave my all to those subjects. When I should have been giving my all to Jesus. I'm distraught at the path before me. But, I tried alot of the options of the world. Jesus has to be the cure. It's unfortunate my disposition is incompatible with Jesus. Narcissist sin is foolishly believing they can be there own god. I've experienced out of this world paradoxical traps of mind dealing with this complex condition. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's unpleasant, frustrating, confusing. I just hope god has mercy for someone who loves him but trapped behind automatic beliefs I don't agree with but don't know how to stop them. I am truly dissatisfied with a condition that makes me distance from you. I know your there though or I would not see light. So, there's gotta be a possibility for me. This where I'm at with my faith. I'm just starting but finding it hard to draw near God because it's like I was made to not go pass go. It's like I'm in a mind field and everytime I step off the starting line I die and reset. I can't move until I learn all the minds but everyday I step on a new one then have to learn about it. Sometimes I don't have the answers to the way forward but I can't reach him to ask. But, I won't give up hope. My only way out is to learn about the darkness of me which depths increase everyday until I understand it all and can path a way forward. But, learning about all this stuff without proper empathy leaves my mind susceptible to new darkness or the darkness behind the darkness. I envy others. Which is said not to be good by God. But, the narcissist path is ludicrously difficult. I'm thankful my hope still works even though I'm low empathy. Doing my best to written in the book of the living. Right now I think I'm in the dead. My starter class sucks balls. It has to be the worst one. When all they say online is there is no cure. So, I'm tasked with impossible difficulty. With inherent traits that are a enemy to me & the gospel. But, they was already preselected. Your not suppose to be able to control mind to the extent I have to learn in order to make it to Jesus feet. I have learned to not be so negative against my self because of tag teaming with the voices. Somebody gotta keep the spirits up. I'm not even good at ingenuity and my intelligence is low. But, I gotta pull off a upset somehow. Life be crazy. My test is fucked. Here's a song about how it feels to be a narcissist. https://vocaroo.com/14528XYckXpo