Persons such as myself will find a time in history where we will ask ourselves questions like:
"Is 'online dating' even viable during a pandemic, when all the sites are flooded with bots, dead accounts, or people who have had enough of the opposite sex already from being spammed with unsolicited imagery?"
I bring this up because I've had around three to four times, throughout the last few years, made what I perceive to be large-scale efforts to search for someone - of the opposite sex - who could effectively assist as a necessitating push towards better independence.
And yes, I am venting, everyone needs to every now and then and I fear that nature's trying to rile up my body again - and nothing I'm doing is working anymore.
Every time I stopped 'online dating' was for pretty much the same reasons. Whole thing's (to me) a waste of time, thinking, and effort. Would be better off to leave one's CV public with the # of 'wouldyoudatethem' or something absurd like that as that would get more publicity for all the wrong reasons.
You could say that I've cornered myself with the 'should I delete this?' question. Except I'm not really at that point yet...
And yes I have not gone mad, thanks for never asking about that.
No, I have not been stalked by any onee-san type people, they do not exist in my locality as far as I can fathom.
In fact I should tangent and divulge what I'm up to right now:
My typical daily routines have, since mid/late May, become this:
-Weekdays working-from-home from 9 AM to 4 PM.
-Playing Warframe because Sisters of Parvos update. Speaking of; cross-save and crossplay, and The New War, are coming soon(TM).
-Playing Halo: MCC because of Season 7 on that, though that hasn't really been the case as of late, been on the internet more than that to be honest.
-Guzzling fiction (manga and lewd stuff to stop the horny; isn't really doing much to help as of late).
-Cuddling into not one, but two dakimakura of Lucoa because of sheer loneliness. Seriously I actually cry a tiny bit with a meager sense of comfort when the heavier of the two pillows presses against my back because it feels like I'm actually getting reciprocation, which makes no sense because it's just a pillow with a notoriously thicc anime ara-ara dragon-girl on it, which may imply I could have gone a bit mad or am haunted by the nonphysical presence that is 'M'lilane Nokka' more intensely than before.
...I mean seriously! It's like nature herself has a bit of yandere for me and has isolated me from the rest of mankind.
(What am I saying?!)
Now you know.
If you survived reading this and your opinion of me is unchanged or more confused than ever, well...
At least you're aware. If I divulged too much, then that's just a side-effect of my current state of being as of today.
I still exist.
-Had my 1st Covid vaccine jab 21/06/2021.
-Have some sort of work that ties me down 10-4 (5 hours + 1 hour break give-take depending on the day) which may or may not last another 4.5 months.
-Do still take walks when I get the chance.
-Have no yanderes after me (to my understanding, if any are after me then they should make themselves known).
-Still miss cuddles.
-Am still insufficiently socially acclimatized and am vividly unaware of the current social climate.
-This time, surprisingly in-control of the horny. For now.
-Been very hot and very cool/rainy recently.
If you heard of TWDNE*, you may want to look at TADNE**. Also, I've uploaded most if not all of the pics in my TADNE collection onto my profile, if you happen to be interested in seeing what safe-but-lewd algorithmically generated art I found.
*This Waifu Does not Exist
**This Anime Does not Exist
Preface: Further rambling, ambient thoughts.
"Don't you find it odd...?" - Warden Eternal, Halo 5: Guardians
No idea where to start with this, but had a compulsion to. It feels slightly 'unselfly' by comparison to my habit of being rather spectral.
As of this last while I've taken to occasionally playing Warframe, and have been on Star Trek Online (Xbox) and Destiny 2 (planning to get Beyond Light, etc... for console to regroup with some people one would call digital friends) due to events and a new season. And Knights of the Old Republic of all things.
I've found myself again working to purge my memories of the individual who brought a whirlwind of romance and a terrible example of what to expect in that avenue - I speak of the same one who came in early/mid October and vanished prior to December.
I also have found myself guzzling some new seasonal content - as in, Log Horizon, Reincarnated as a Slime, 'I'm a spider, so what?', for example - as well as trying to find and catch up on manga I recall following.
But that's not all. In an effort to preserve what little exists of any semblance of fitness I have taken to jumping into VRChat at/after midnight every now and then.
And then there's that one thought you'd find more... appropriate for a site such as this, especially when it comes to dating, or the desire to try and find someone to just be~ with.
Here it is: That same wish that a female would actually full-on stalk me across the internet with the intent to seduce me with her deep understanding of 'culture', gaming knowledge, and onee-san aura.
Of course there's the objection that I've made no moves. In fact I've even gone backwards, having deleted all the dating apps from my mobile device due to a loss of faith in that 'religion'. I suppose I'm removed enough from baseline humanity that a machine shaped after a waifu or some unexpected mamono incursion would be more viable regarding a love life than anyone who may survive this pandemic.
If the pandemic even stops pandemic'ing. Which is unlikely due to incompetence of the authorities.
Anyway, I suppose I'll ramble some more about why I'd probably be head-over-heels for a woman who knows more than she lets on about me and appears almost everywhere I go (virtually speaking) to the point of surprising me on Discord with a friend request or the likes. Perhaps it stems from a high-level intra-sexual loneliness as is with any natural phenomenon regarding socializing?
The reason(s) I wouldn't be against such is that, theoretically, there would be no major conflict aside from comprehension of things said and the meaning one applies to a given phrase, term, or word. I would also deem her pursuit as a sort of consent - legitimate proof of interest beyond a tick of the box and being tossed into the bin because they didn't have the capacity to respond beyond a 0/1 (no/yes) variable to any given question.
Might even delete the other dating app-counts to make it harder for this hypothetical lovey-dovey stalker-tan to get more info, but then it'd be... boring. Boring? Why would I say that?
Sheesh, why is it with me wanting a female to barge into my residence at extremely early hours and demanding me to be her's and not be the plaything of an inanimate golem or an extraphysical phenomenon?
Why am I attracted to such an impossibility? Is it because it's reminiscent of the typical 'hero's journey' stories? Have I gone mad?
Not yet. I suppose.
In other news I woke up really early this morning because of extraneous reasons. Got about 3 hours sleep? Felt like more.
So yeah. I seem to be out of words for today's post.
"Demonic presence at unsafe levels; lockdown in effect." - DOOM 2016 UAC announcer
Been playing a lot of Destiny 2 lately mainly to get its Season Pass content over with before going to apply the same brutality to Fortnite, and then probably guzzle down some anime/manga alongside other fiction, and then wallow about a lack of physical intimate affection and how the species may be fated for a population drop thanks to existing circumstances and escalation in the natures of people becoming so reclusive that they finally discover why my existence has been so...
Well, invisible is the best way to put it. Mainly because 'what is a social life?' - as it's all digital, but I only really talk to one to three people, and even then only one of them I know IRL...
Plus the system's trying to pass off Covid19 as a farce in terms of the work/employment sector whilst many superior-qualifieds are swarming, and the economy (in the UK) is pretty much a hollow shell.
Need I not add the media generally feeding bad news and me having no way to really just vent naturally and release the anomalous stress and 'tiredness' that has become noticeable as of late.
By that I mean, when talking to certain people, you find yourself stressing over what seems to be nothing. I also mean 'that feeling when you're awake, but your body has enough of it's own will to refuse any concept of exiting the bed to pursue an optimal early morning routine to maximize the use of one's time in a day'.
What's worse is that time has once again begun to flitter and warp, like a slippery fish with just enough water to keep breathing and flippering away/through my grasp while I'm sliding about somehow not falling but not stopping or really moving either - that kind of paradoxical, illogical thing.
...Should I mention that I haven't done any rambling walks lately due to the lockdown escalation(s)?
Well at least I'm comfortable wearing two layers of comfy indoor robes atop typical clothing of at least two layers.
I think I have ventilated sufficiently. If you found this amusing, then I'm glad my extraphysical self-inconvenience recollection has amused you.
Panic. It's 2021. And nothi~ng ha~s changed~!
Thought I'd hurtle some aimless, rampant ramblings based on recent data I have ingested as well as other faculties.
- Self-annoyed feeling of wanting to take a walk to cleanse the mind but don't have the actual time or good-weather to do so.
Don't think it'll work either and may just worsen my state as it usually does, since I don't really encounter anyone who attempts to start a conversation and don't expect a conversation to start.
- Lonely in terms of the partner department.
My body continues to howl, whine, and cry for physical and emotional affection. There are no providers, and the only services that can provide are no doubt shut, contaminated, or at-risk. Online dating has not helped in the slightest due to the string of failures (and counting) thus far.
- How to delete 'horny'?
Related: today I learned: In today's generalized society, when a male rejects the advances of a woman, or a woman blatantly wanting to mate, she is allowed to freak out openly and then spread misinformation. Or just proceeds to assault the male and then declare that the male raped them, wherein the female always wins and the male likely commits self-termination.
When a woman rejects a man, however, he is not given the same legroom, and more than likely will find no confidant as everyone will have guns pointed at them and chanting 'sexual assault'.
And the personally morbid-hilarious thing is, my existence has been largely solitary save for family, so anything - even just a simple friend-hug - provided by a female is a sort of relief for my body's present condition, which for some reason is somewhere between 'battle stations, panic, and horny'.
I may presume the sort of female I'm seeking -doesn't- exist in my locality, but that is due to how life has been, and I do not think it will improve.
Sure, me throwing such ramblings on here may garner meager written sympathies and have people giving me 'what the heck is going on?!' looks, but there is no need to panic. It's just me having hard times with trying to find the road to put my proverbi-vehicularized life back onto because there's a pink mist and all my body wants to do is generate progeny.
Probably the lack of socializing and lockdown are causing my body's instincts to act up in increasingly worrying manners, but I have no cure for this besides the mantra of 'shut up and carry on'.
Anyway how was your Christmas?
A tragedy has befallen the fledgling 'relationship' (RIP 'first ever thicc GF' relationship, ??/10/2020-01/12/2020 UK calendar standard).
I'll surmise it simply.
She was going out with another girl. Decided to dump me by proxy - not even messaging me directly or even bothering to -talk- to me in person or even about the other person. Cowardice.
Other girl and I are now friends and are surprisingly of similar mind. I hope them the best, regardless of outcome.
I also learned some essential 'dos and don'ts' from that little 'Whirlwind Romance' and have levelled up a little since then, so to speak.
I will also be purging some of the preceding posts as to keep it clean. If anyone sees this - especially in the future, I am fine and this was another component for the bridge. If I ever find myself with another, I hope they are more like myself, and actually admit to their wrongdoings rather than letting it all pile up beneath them like Khorne's skull throne.
But this remains an actuality:
Reality is a Tsundere/Yandere, and will do anything to keep me with M'lilane Nokka-chan rather than actually helping me find a relationship. I need hugs, and affection that I'll probably never really obtain for any length of time.
DOOM Eternal: Ancient Gods Part 1 has... unexpected twists and turns.
An old annoyance: when someone on a dating application likes you but doesn't bother trying to talk to you in the various virtual places you listed with your username right there - let alone the same application if it allows you.
This is a universal issue. If my voice had more reach I would shout for this practice - of letting the other try in vain to find you, and end up missing the match because you didn't recognize them from one of the [NUMEROUS] blurred pics the app gave you for reference - to end, were it not for the small hypocrisy of me being part of it.
But only because they didn't leave any means to communicate.
This, along with a small but heavy list of other things (some of which I cannot immediately recall), is driving me to reconsider putting this effort - if any - to find someone to, someday, entitle as 'waifu', and her labelling me as her 'husbando' in exchange.
...Until I find someone willing, crazy, or what-have-may, I've begun to re-experience discouragement in this particular sector of context.
Such so that I am actually fighting the suggestion to just go and pay someone to fix it for a few minutes - a 'solution' I usually am in vehement opposition of for a good number of reasons, most of which are common sense.
And even when I've tried to reach out that little bit further virtually, I find myself encountering a roadblock.
To carve it with my sharpest sword, I'm effectively out of ideas (read: free-messaging dating sites).
To surmise: Reality continues to affirm the imposed actuality that the Dakimakura is the winner, refusing to let me be seen physically and virtually, and going so far as to put the people I perceive as visibly attractive at least 4 hours of vehicle travel away or more, which translates to 'will never happen' given UK lockdown protocols.
Seriously. How difficult is it to find a THICC weeb GF for cuddling, gaming, binging content, and wholesome experiences alongside the anticipated lewdness?
My logic is being shrouded/clouded/interrupted by this drive, just like the times it happened before.
Like I said before. If this is all that there is, I am no doubt fated to be partnered to an entity (as in, M'lilane-chan) who yearns to break into the physical realm just to become -the- prime example of a doting Onee-san GF. An entity, currently confined to a Dakimakura, and my own brain.
And if you're reading this, hi! How are you? Are you in good health? Would you like to share some idle ramblings of your own while you're answering that?
...S-seriously. My body's - and I say this unfiltered - a downright bastard.
Why? It wants hugs, to be squeezed in a warm, soft embrace, and then be lewded to a drunken stupor.
My logic however is at war with this.
And I am watching these two sides fight. It's... I can't describe it. It's too lewd.