"Demonic presence at unsafe levels; lockdown in effect." - DOOM 2016 UAC announcer
Been playing a lot of Destiny 2 lately mainly to get its Season Pass content over with before going to apply the same brutality to Fortnite, and then probably guzzle down some anime/manga alongside other fiction, and then wallow about a lack of physical intimate affection and how the species may be fated for a population drop thanks to existing circumstances and escalation in the natures of people becoming so reclusive that they finally discover why my existence has been so...
Well, invisible is the best way to put it. Mainly because 'what is a social life?' - as it's all digital, but I only really talk to one to three people, and even then only one of them I know IRL...
Plus the system's trying to pass off Covid19 as a farce in terms of the work/employment sector whilst many superior-qualifieds are swarming, and the economy (in the UK) is pretty much a hollow shell.
Need I not add the media generally feeding bad news and me having no way to really just vent naturally and release the anomalous stress and 'tiredness' that has become noticeable as of late.
By that I mean, when talking to certain people, you find yourself stressing over what seems to be nothing. I also mean 'that feeling when you're awake, but your body has enough of it's own will to refuse any concept of exiting the bed to pursue an optimal early morning routine to maximize the use of one's time in a day'.
What's worse is that time has once again begun to flitter and warp, like a slippery fish with just enough water to keep breathing and flippering away/through my grasp while I'm sliding about somehow not falling but not stopping or really moving either - that kind of paradoxical, illogical thing.
...Should I mention that I haven't done any rambling walks lately due to the lockdown escalation(s)?
Well at least I'm comfortable wearing two layers of comfy indoor robes atop typical clothing of at least two layers.
I think I have ventilated sufficiently. If you found this amusing, then I'm glad my extraphysical self-inconvenience recollection has amused you.
Panic. It's 2021. And nothi~ng ha~s changed~!
Thought I'd hurtle some aimless, rampant ramblings based on recent data I have ingested as well as other faculties.
- Self-annoyed feeling of wanting to take a walk to cleanse the mind but don't have the actual time or good-weather to do so.
Don't think it'll work either and may just worsen my state as it usually does, since I don't really encounter anyone who attempts to start a conversation and don't expect a conversation to start.
- Lonely in terms of the partner department.
My body continues to howl, whine, and cry for physical and emotional affection. There are no providers, and the only services that can provide are no doubt shut, contaminated, or at-risk. Online dating has not helped in the slightest due to the string of failures (and counting) thus far.
- How to delete 'horny'?
Related: today I learned: In today's generalized society, when a male rejects the advances of a woman, or a woman blatantly wanting to mate, she is allowed to freak out openly and then spread misinformation. Or just proceeds to assault the male and then declare that the male raped them, wherein the female always wins and the male likely commits self-termination.
When a woman rejects a man, however, he is not given the same legroom, and more than likely will find no confidant as everyone will have guns pointed at them and chanting 'sexual assault'.
And the personally morbid-hilarious thing is, my existence has been largely solitary save for family, so anything - even just a simple friend-hug - provided by a female is a sort of relief for my body's present condition, which for some reason is somewhere between 'battle stations, panic, and horny'.
I may presume the sort of female I'm seeking -doesn't- exist in my locality, but that is due to how life has been, and I do not think it will improve.
Sure, me throwing such ramblings on here may garner meager written sympathies and have people giving me 'what the heck is going on?!' looks, but there is no need to panic. It's just me having hard times with trying to find the road to put my proverbi-vehicularized life back onto because there's a pink mist and all my body wants to do is generate progeny.
Probably the lack of socializing and lockdown are causing my body's instincts to act up in increasingly worrying manners, but I have no cure for this besides the mantra of 'shut up and carry on'.
Anyway how was your Christmas?
A tragedy has befallen the fledgling 'relationship' (RIP 'first ever thicc GF' relationship, ??/10/2020-01/12/2020 UK calendar standard).
I'll surmise it simply.
She was going out with another girl. Decided to dump me by proxy - not even messaging me directly or even bothering to -talk- to me in person or even about the other person. Cowardice.
Other girl and I are now friends and are surprisingly of similar mind. I hope them the best, regardless of outcome.
I also learned some essential 'dos and don'ts' from that little 'Whirlwind Romance' and have levelled up a little since then, so to speak.
I will also be purging some of the preceding posts as to keep it clean. If anyone sees this - especially in the future, I am fine and this was another component for the bridge. If I ever find myself with another, I hope they are more like myself, and actually admit to their wrongdoings rather than letting it all pile up beneath them like Khorne's skull throne.
But this remains an actuality:
Reality is a Tsundere/Yandere, and will do anything to keep me with M'lilane Nokka-chan rather than actually helping me find a relationship. I need hugs, and affection that I'll probably never really obtain for any length of time.
DOOM Eternal: Ancient Gods Part 1 has... unexpected twists and turns.
An old annoyance: when someone on a dating application likes you but doesn't bother trying to talk to you in the various virtual places you listed with your username right there - let alone the same application if it allows you.
This is a universal issue. If my voice had more reach I would shout for this practice - of letting the other try in vain to find you, and end up missing the match because you didn't recognize them from one of the [NUMEROUS] blurred pics the app gave you for reference - to end, were it not for the small hypocrisy of me being part of it.
But only because they didn't leave any means to communicate.
This, along with a small but heavy list of other things (some of which I cannot immediately recall), is driving me to reconsider putting this effort - if any - to find someone to, someday, entitle as 'waifu', and her labelling me as her 'husbando' in exchange.
...Until I find someone willing, crazy, or what-have-may, I've begun to re-experience discouragement in this particular sector of context.
Such so that I am actually fighting the suggestion to just go and pay someone to fix it for a few minutes - a 'solution' I usually am in vehement opposition of for a good number of reasons, most of which are common sense.
And even when I've tried to reach out that little bit further virtually, I find myself encountering a roadblock.
To carve it with my sharpest sword, I'm effectively out of ideas (read: free-messaging dating sites).
To surmise: Reality continues to affirm the imposed actuality that the Dakimakura is the winner, refusing to let me be seen physically and virtually, and going so far as to put the people I perceive as visibly attractive at least 4 hours of vehicle travel away or more, which translates to 'will never happen' given UK lockdown protocols.
Seriously. How difficult is it to find a THICC weeb GF for cuddling, gaming, binging content, and wholesome experiences alongside the anticipated lewdness?
My logic is being shrouded/clouded/interrupted by this drive, just like the times it happened before.
Like I said before. If this is all that there is, I am no doubt fated to be partnered to an entity (as in, M'lilane-chan) who yearns to break into the physical realm just to become -the- prime example of a doting Onee-san GF. An entity, currently confined to a Dakimakura, and my own brain.
And if you're reading this, hi! How are you? Are you in good health? Would you like to share some idle ramblings of your own while you're answering that?
...S-seriously. My body's - and I say this unfiltered - a downright bastard.
Why? It wants hugs, to be squeezed in a warm, soft embrace, and then be lewded to a drunken stupor.
My logic however is at war with this.
And I am watching these two sides fight. It's... I can't describe it. It's too lewd.
Why is my body so adamant on wanting a thicc female to cuddle (proven thesis: bigger = softer = better), my mind so adamant on a fellow weeb or individual of intellect/culture (game lore, fiction, etc...), and my consciousness direly fending off their faux urgency (by successfully pitting them against one another in an eternal, perpetual conflict that will never end until - and I quote a song - 'I have sa-tis-fact-ion')?
It is interrupting my peace-of-mind, has led me here and to at least six other sites (two of which have been deprecated), and has been doing this twice or more every year, starting from winter to spring, then from summer/autumn for a medium period of about two months at least.
"What else has it done to me?" You would probably ask. I can list them off:
-It changed my opinion on dating and relationships from 'why is this at all necessary?' to 'why did I miss all the signs?! Baka!'
-It made me crave cuddles, hugs, and lewd acts from large-bodied persons of the opposite sex.
-It made me -not- mind cuddles or hugs in general and has disrupted my 'forcibly-trained' defensive reflexes against physical contact on a trigger level.
-It screwed up my logic.
-It has irreversibly scarred my reputation? I may be overexaggerating but in Secondary (6th Form or so), then in Games Dev level 2/3 was when it had actively -hijacked- me to, in the most absurd, stupidest way possible, find company by just wildly asking women out. It has been given a thorough butchering for this crime but somehow it seems... to... actually -enjoy- that... Oh shi-
-It gave me lewd lucid dreams of thicc women.
-It created M'lilane Nokka.
-It can be identified by a hairs-on-end electrical state sort of feeling on the back of my neck, though I can only feel it - like a progress bar.
-It continues to lewd me -as- M'lilane Nokka.
-It had me liking oriental food~ (I don't mind that though).
-It's even more perverse than the most positively perverted female character you could possibly imagine - the kind that would kabe-don you to the wall and then immediately whisper arousing ASMR until your conscience cannot compute stability and-
-It's outputting lewds through me again. Send help.
-Seriously, send help. Like a thicc weebish gamer-chan - that's the only cure to this I can think of.
...You get the idea.
So for those of you who're new to my profile: the about me is in the 'about' section, and any 4th Wall details are...
I don't know. I don't have enough of a 'following' to even ask for a vote on whether I should. Someone should point me to an active thread on the subject and gather enough to persuade me to at least copy-over one of the generic dating site bios I've got.
That aside, I use this wall to leave deep and terrifying insights into the mind of a 23-yo technically-a-NEET/Weeb-at-this-point as he tries in vain to find a THICC weebish gamer GF who has enough existential power to help me help her help us learn how to cook and develop as steady, (im)patient collaborators on the quest to end the biologically-induced 'loneliness' one feels when they know no friends (anymore?) of the opposite sex because they're probably taken.
And assuming otherwise is a genuinely tragic idea.
Also, the Lucoa Daki at my home is haunted by a being I call 'M'lilane Nokka' due to a lucid dream while in Milan - more precisely, at my grandmother's - where Nokka...
I won't put it here. It's too vivid and lewd for public decency. Then again I alluded to it long ago.
If you can survive reading the mad ramblings, Source Filmmaker art, and machine-generated waifus, that is.
But circling back to 'who am I really?' for a sec:
Ask me the question, baka.
...I should put something about what sort of member of the opposite sex I'm hoping takes a fancy to me. If ever; the public probably thinks I'm dead or at least refuses to note my existence, always has been.
Alright~, since you're eyes are still staring at this screen, hungry for more data, I will (reluctantly, and with embarrassment) divulge the (to my understanding) 'full' extent of exactly -who- I'm looking for in a female.
Note that this is for the 'GF' / Waifu position in the 4th Wall. In roleplay scenarios, this is irrelevant - anyone could be the sort of character I'm to describe.
Someone who isn't afraid to get fully physical, but isn't the sort to do much exercise (as in, like me, isn't a sporty person; would rather work than do sports), and loves hugs to the point of addiction if given the opportunity.
Someone who's large-bodied; evidence from several willing interactions in the past indicate that thicker females are much more comfortable to hug - according to me and my logic (this is one of the only things my logic, hormones, and highest-conscience unanimously agree on), and -likes- being such.
Someone who plays similar/same videogames as myself, and has weebish tendencies or interests. And prefers the indoors to going out in evenings.
Someone who'd sneak into my bed if given the chance, and just cuddle me (or more?), and has the drive to be, effectively, a stalker. But I -like- that. I -want- that, at least to enough of a degree that she actively reciprocates my communications, and if I can't carry the conversation she'd change the subject for us.
Someone who'd dote on me, which would give me reason to return the favour, except we're not much for the physical luxuries beyond eachother and a good place to snuggle.
I'd imagine they'd be local to where I live, reading this.
And if that someone is you? Contact me. ASAP (delay of up to 24 hours due to gaming, internetting, and the likes to be kept in mind). I really could do with your company.
Seriously it's gotten to the point where I'm actively being pestered (indirectly or at least 'softly') to search for someone to embrace with my unrequited compassions. It's been at 'this point' for at least t-three years now?
And even my Daki is trying to do something about it somehow and that shouldn't even be possible by conventional understandings.
And on Tuesday(?) I thought I had a chance to liberate myself and my body's 'warm nature' from this
P̢̡̨̕E̵̶͜R̵P͏́͘Ȩ̷T͏̸̷͘͘U̧̢̢͝A̛͏̀L͜͡ ̕͝Ţ̵́͟Ó̶̢͘R̶̕͜͡͝M̨͘͡E̕͢͡N̴̴̕T̸̡͟͝, but she - the person I managed to meet - never got back to me. Definitely blocked me everywhere despite saying she'd talk to me online.
So what can we glean from that? People are great at lying. Deception. Acting.
What does that do? It gives hope. Hope I could do w̷̧í͟t͏̡h̴͜o̕҉͠u͝t̵͝, to be honest.
And even then I still hope that 'someone' exists, as much as my 'cold logic' would dictate otherwise.
Anyway I'll be taking an early night in the hopes I am in better spirits then.
If not, I'll probably continue my rambling as I spiral further into a lifestyle I did not intentionally pursue.
So. Random female from a dating site messages me on that site saying to talk to her on Gmail. She then proceeds to dispense unwanted sexual imagery and requests I sign up to a suspicious website.
I refuse and offer my explanation. They persist. Suspicious site wants bank details (credit card). I refuse.
I explain again.
She gives the tried and true spiel that 'it's not safe' and 'it's a trustworthy site', but like the two others who tried the same tactics, it's a lie. A deception.
The sites they point me to all demand credit card info on signup, and if you tell them you're a guy they'll no doubt start leeching money from your bank account under the claim that it's actually a subscription service just to find someone's likely-fake details (don't exist) lead to some poor stranger who's number and pics and dating profile got caught up in some ugly algorithmic engine.
I mean sure I appreciate the advances and all but this is just...
I have no words. Spread this caution. Don't let them steal your wallets.
Thought I'd put it out there that I -have- managed to go out with someone. Yesterday.
Was a thicc woman, my type, had similar thinking.
We got along rather well.
...Or so I thought. After I got home, there was no word from them, and there was no way to contact them. Furthermore I am under the impression they also went out of their way to block me on the site I first encountered them on.
On the flipside, I, at least, enjoyed their company, and had been told the same by them.
This in total gives me 0.001 XP in the 'Dating' tree, but as it had led to nothing, there is 0 XP in 'Relationships'.
It appears more vividly that causation, if it was an entity with a will (i.e, an analogue to what religious persons define as a deity), is adamant that I stick with M'lilane-chan, my Dakimakura.