Have you ever questioned your existence?

I like to think that if I find that someone, then I would actually be able to comprehend how much I matter in this existence. Where the world is still going to crud and everything around you feels like meh. And that someone would help you become your best self. There's a reason I don't give up, because perhaps someday I could look back and say, "Wow, I really appreciate this person who came into my life and filled me up with love, compassion, hope, and everything." I also don't want to end up alone either. So yeah, I contemplate the reasoning for my existence a lot

I'm one of those guys who would be less bothered if it was proved that I don't exist. That's a load off my mind. Till then, I kinda gotta concern myself with my continued existence and try to contribute to the overall narrative, if for no other reasons than to try to grow as an individual or bring the collective human condition some much needed relief. Whether or not we have a purpose, we certainly have value in our rarity, thus far at least. It's funny to think that all the matter that our bodies are composed of is as old as time itself, yet life needs to consume and process that matter in order to continue its existence. Really kinda makes you question reality. Because if the universe was a place that existed with perfect logic, then why the hell are we not some void of perfect uniform nothingness? Nihilism really doesn't hold up when you get to pondering the swirl in the root, huh? Oh dear, the overtime is getting to me again...

Every. Single. Day. There is not a moment that I don't contemplate my existence, how I haven't died, why I bother to continue living, etc. I have been through far too much, yet for some reason, I allow myself to continue living as a husk of the person I was.