welcome back to jo's rants

hello again my fellow readers i'll be writing, for not too long, for i am in need of sleep. it's not gonna be anything as serious as yesterday, although it might be part of a bigger problem i have. (concerning my will and motivation, and lack thereof) I binge series too hard. currently watching the OA but i watched season 1 in a single night. was gonna watch the entirety of season 2 and i started at midnight. it's 3am now, and i regret it. i should've gone to bed. it's a lot of fun to watch though. i like romance anime too much. I laugh about little things these days. I am not only lonely deep inside, I am also lonely on the outside. I sleep lots. I'm sad. I cry lots, and lots. I'm strong, and I know it. I'll get through this. I need time. I'm afraid of the future.

don't expect things in this post to be at-all cohesive or related to each other. everything i seperate with a paragraph is a different thing that pops in my head, they are not related to each other. some things might be linked, usually my personal problems are linked. i believe it helps to make a thread about it and talk about it. even if nobody responds.

no offense to anyone i'm currently talking to, but the more i talk to people, the more i start to understand something. i've recently (as you might know) closed myself off from my last friend group. they didn't care about me. they still haven't sent me any message like: hey what's going on? or something like that (i've left the main whatsapp group chat and other chats too). so i'm happy that i made the decision. it seems like i made the right decision, then. there's an enormous "but", unfortunately. this was my last friend group. i am currently on holiday and next week i won't have school because my last lesson was a couple weeks ago, in this week i'll have to study by myself. yesterweek i had practice exams and so i didn't get to talk to people much there either. i. am. so. fucking. lonely. it is abnormal what it does to you. i am not being productive. i can hardly focus on anything that's not screen-related. i'm extremely lazy. there's either a monotone, stable line like this ------------------------------------ with emotions throughout the day, or there is --------------------___ this. because happiness, is really, really fucking scarce. i seriously don't understand how you all live like this. how could you do that to yourself? (okay, very occasionally it's -------------------****- or something because i'll watch TV or a certain really funny video) (* = high point, _ = low point, - = i feel nothing) i partially regret the decision i made, cutting off my last friend group (that wasn't behind their computer all day, or just online friends). even though i had to take initiative for every meeting/party/whatever my friends (and others) went to, i wasn't lonely. luckily i know how shitty the last couple of months had been, where basically it would just feel fake every time i would be meeting my "friends". i would always kind of "walk behind" the rest of the group, or hang in the back somewhere where nobody would really walk up to me. i'm just not fucking interesting enough, not funny enough, not energetic enough, whatever the fuck it is it's just not there for me. the only thing i'm good at is talking with people. telling stories. listening. helping. sending funny memes, because i'm not funny. so i guess what i understand now is that even though i cut myself off from one-sided relationships, i feel more and more like i live for absolutely nothing. what the fuck is the point of life if i can't have any friends, or have fun whatsoever. it doesn't even matter if i become a computer science teacher, but then have nothing to live for? and online friends only do if they're funny, or my type, or whatever it is. i just don't understand why real life is so much better, but online just doesn't do enough for me. i have no character, i still don't know who i am because CONSCIOUSNESS. literally because of CONSCIOUSNESS i don't know who i am. that's the most bullshit rhetoric i've ever heard. it's actually un-be-fucking-lievable, yet it's true. like, what am i supposed to do, just fucking wear a certain type of clothes and act a certain way to be a part of something? do i have to like it? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I LIKE A CERTAIN THING. okay, with some things, it's clear whether i like it or not. but not with this kinda stuff. do i want to feel cute? i don't know. do i want to even belong somewhere? i don't know. how am i supposed to choose? i want to do the right thing. okay, well, that's one step. now the other 9999999999, which i DON'T know. i feel like i'm just that conscious of myself, that i don't know if i like something. what it boils down to is that i'm lonely as fuck, and it's making me feel very lazy. doing anything feels like i'm doing it for no-one, because i don't really care about showing anything off to my parents apart from grades. (who am i gonna show off to if i don't have any friends, i want to be liked and this feels like the only way because i'm, once again, not funny, not smart enough, etc. etc.) i didn't even know all of this stuff before i wrote it down, because writing is causing me to actually progress my thought progress a bit, but it might as well be what's causing me to feel this way. (i sorta knew why but hadn't though it out this hard) AND I HAVE EXAMS IN 12 DAYS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR THIS. NOT AT ALL. this shit's also happening during a time in which i am finally able to take initiative, keep a good routine, etc. why. just. why.

fuck. my. life. right. now. however edgy that might sound. i literally don't care anymore. that sounds edgy as fuck too. I DON'T KNOW ANYMOREifno427u8i 8bi ytbyt544g3bqaa7845q3o9oggf45b3qq7678y68yuf6u4f

i'm gonna say it: i want to be liked and desired but i just fucking can't when i don't have any people who are INTERESTED in me. am i being obnoxious here? probably am. but for christ's sake i feel so helpless. i feel hopeless. i don't feel loved. i feel numb. i feel nothing. i feel sadness. i'm going to watch a movie sunday with a friend of mine. (that was his proposal, but i was going to ask if we could do something together (irl) anyways later today) tomorrow i'm hoping to be able to hang with a friend of mine. i hope this will cure it a bit, but i feel like i need to see a friend or an acquaintance at least once per day. and i know that sounds extreme but i am just a person person and i can't stand this anymore

school helped so much with seeing acquaintances and friends and people every day but now this just fucking sucks and i hate it so much because i have no school. i want school. i think if i didn't have exams it wouldn't be this bad because then i wouldn't have the stress for the exams so i wouldn't feel bad about anything but right now it's just all so much worse fuck fuck fuck fuck

don't even know if anyone reads these but i think it helps me a lot honestly. it helps getting out frustration and disappointment, so i feel less shit. it doesn't gain me anything else though, unfortunately.