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Cry of the Firebird

saberwing
Oct 07, 15 at 8:44am
Okay so I suck royally at poetry or any sort of writting for that matter. However reading some really impressive works here has inspired me to give it a shot: Some think I am a legend, others believe I exist. To challenge me however, is hard to resist. For I carry the curse, that is considered a blessing. In reality however, I'd trade it for ranch dressing. I endlessly roam the skies, and never touch the ground. Though it cannot be called freedom, for by this world I am eternally bound. What makes men crave life eternal, is beyond my understanding. Why carry weight of thousand year memories, it is unnecessary and so overwhelming. How many have my talons claimed, I no longer remember. Only memory that remains, is foul tasting and bitter. I spend my time waiting, for more souls to slay. While dreaming of that fateful day, when somebody at last takes my curse away. http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Nz2ff-J-AH8/maxresdefault.jpg Lol that was so terrible. xD
sunflower
Good job Luna :3 http://livedoor.blogimg.jp/g_ogasawara/imgs/e/d/ed048325.png
saberwing
Oct 07, 15 at 9:18am
*hugs* Thanks Sunny. :3 It was my first time to write something like that though. Plus English is not my native language so there are no doubt some hardcore grammatical errors lol. http://orig02.deviantart.net/2807/f/2013/033/e/4/fujiwara_no_mokou_mi_eau_s_commissions__by_gashi_gashi-d5s4e73.jpg
sunflower
haha trust me ur like so much better than me poems are the worst to write..I can think for hours and still not come up with anything good http://cdn.awwni.me/m5t0.jpg
noahpohnile
Grammar is not needed in poetry, focus on making it make sense and it being beautiful. The poem is good but it felt like some paragraphs switched topics in the middle. for example: "Some think I am a legend, others believe I exist." To me this part focuses whether the narrator exist or not. In other words it questions the person´s existens. I think it would have been better by following it up with sentences proving whether the person is real or not, or explaining that it doesn´t matter as it is a legend. the other part "To challenge me however, is hard to resist." should have come after some kind of description of almighty strength. About the person being too strong but that is also why somebody would challenge it. ... other than that it looks solid. some rhymes could have been switched for more beautiful ones but that doesn´t take away from the fact that i was able to read a tragic and great story. Keep it up \(O.O)/
noahpohnile
Sorry if it sounded negative. I really liked it. But the first paragraph bugged me. The rest is fine.
notice_senpai
That was really good! i liked the ranch dressing line. overall though 10/10 would reread.
saberwing
Oct 08, 15 at 2:31am
@Sunny Well when I write something I just use whatever I have in mind atm. Ain't really trying to come up with an idea that much. ^^ @noah You didn't sound negative at all. All you did is give an advice and pointed out what I did wrong. Which I really appreciate since it helps me do better next time. ^^ @notice I was not sure if I should put that line in there tbh. But I wanted to balance out the sad nature of the story with a little bit of wtf. xD Anyhow thanks for the feedback everyone. ^^
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