Written, What I Have So Far

In late spring in a small village full of happy people where everything is gorgeous, there lived a young witch named Mary and a young novelist named Nick. Nick wrote many stories about adventure and curses. Mary loved them and continued to read them. It was the only thing she loved. Unfortunately it wouldn’t last forever, because 8 years later he suddenly stopped writing. He wrote in his last book on the last page that he was getting married to a young farmer girl named Sarah. He declared he was going to stop writing to help her with the farm and soon their child. Furious the witch cursed the man to his death and went to see him, not knowing she accidentally killed him. Mary became sad for the loss of her wonderful stories that she would no longer be able to read. So she cursed their baby that when she turns 12 she would have to write one story every single day for 50 years. If she were to stop she would be consumed by the curse and ‘die’. However the witch never had the time to read the young girls stories because she was hung the very next day. That winter a beautiful baby girl was born. Her name was Alice. Now that her fate was sealed. They had to prepare her for what was to come. As soon as Alice could, they taught her to read very quickly and write a lot. When she turned 12 she was finally told why she spent all hours working hard instead of making friends and playing, they told her about the curse and told her they were going to move her into a room with a single window. They gave her many books and got her any that she requested for reference. They would remind her with every meal brought to her that she shouldn’t make the stories to long because then it wouldn't be completed by the end of the day, all her stories had to be short. When Alice turned 16, In the middle of spring, she sat by the window thinking about how she was going to end her short story for the day so she could try to get outside again. She was spaced out so much that she didn’t notice the boy that saw her and started walking towards her. By the time he reached her she was so spaced out that he had to repeat himself one more time. “Hello?” Alice jumped up at the sound of an unrecognized voice and tried to hold in a scream when she saw the boy. “Do you space out a lot?” he looked at her quizzically. All that Alice could do was constrict to a small nod of her head as she stared at him memorizing his face for a possible new character in a story. “ Don’t you know how to talk?” He then looked her up and down, “ don’t get out much either, you’re as pale as a ghost.” She nodded again but this time she managed a few questions, “ Who are you? why are you here? Is being outside fun? why is your skin so dark? Do you get to go out a lot or did you sneak out?” She asked in great interest. The boy laughed. “My name is Peter, I am here just passing through, I like being outside and going on adventures, and my skin is so dark because I go outside a lot, and I’m allowed outside” He finished the questions smiling. In the distance a male voice started to call for Peter. "I have to go, but in return for answering your curious questions can you tell me your name?" he asked. "A-Alice" Peter nodded and started to turn when Alice grabbed his arm. "uh..um...will you come back and tell me about your adventures?" she quickly let his arm go. "If that is what you would like" he smiled and ran off. I need feedback! I think it's horrible in the last paragraph but I need second thoughts!

Hey, erghh,.I'm gonna say some things that might not seem positive, but bear with me, i'm not saying this to get you down. Writing is a bitch at times, I understand it's hard to do. What I noticed is you mostly talk in third person as in: they, he, she, then they. Try to mix it up a bit to let and let the reader read the minds of the actors. The first paragraph is very compact for the many things that happen in it. You could easily write a couple of pages about it, if you went more detailed so the readers could get a better feeling/attachment for the characters and why the witch is so hurt/angry. The second & third paragraph suffer from this too. Currently this feels more like a summary of a story, then a story of itself. or a shortend bed-time story An idea would be to write about their average life together. add in more dialogue between the actors. FOR EXAMPLE: I have once attempted to write a paragraph solely about a dude standing up. "From the fiery depths of the earth came forth a hand, soaked in red hot magma. It's iron grip being firmly planted onto the melting ground. This is not the end... Forth came second hand, placed beside the first one. I refuse..! Slowly, a mountain crawled up, pulling itself upward. I won't let it end here... Lights sprung from the growing mountain of molten rock & stone. Peering into the evergrowing darkness surrounding it like embers.... seaching... searching...... You won't get away with this..... I won't give up!!~ As more magma flows down, the figure of a man slowly show's itself. Not now, not here,..... not....... forever. I'll chase you, I'll hunt you and when I find you...... The giant arcs his back, opening his arms to the dark skies above I'LL TEAR YOU APART..... His echo bellows through the valley, striking fear into the hearts of ever ears it reaches. Sillence falls upon the valley and the Titan stands up, regaining his composure. The deep sound of a stomp rings through the forest as the giant takes it first step....... and then another......and another...like drums of war, ever marching...... forward." Almost nothing happens in it, but the description about what is happening is very accurate. It also gives a certain emotion to the scene. the reader cannot see the scene you have in your head, write the story as if you were to tell it a blind person. I'm not expert on the matter thou, so do with it what you wish P.S.: Analyse a book you like very much and see how much talking actually happens in each chapter