Whats on the mind?

Lately I've been thinking about the old times. Like the times when i was happy, i've been in this rut of depression for so long, I get nothing but bad news. If it's not finding out one of my friends died in combat or getting yelled at by people who hate hate gays, because im BI, or looking in the mirror and hate seeing what I see. Sometimes I wounder what I'm still doing here. I have no family, my friends are either dead or still in combat. I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to do some of the things I've done. I just wounder how much longer I can take it all. I wish i could be back out with my friends, watching each others backs, making sure we all got home safe, there or here, before and after. The alcohol doesn't help anymore, the smokes don't calm me down like once before. I hate to close my eyes and see the faces before i pulled the trigger, the faces of old friends i can't see anymore. All i had was the memories but those seem to be fading now. I look and see all my old scars and remember the pain of once i got them and the pain they still have to this day. I feel that this all just might mean my time is close to an end. I wounder how I'm going out, I'm not scared of death, I'm just tired of waiting for it. I'm scared to find out in the end all of my time was for nothing, it was just a waste of a life. I just wish it would come soon so i know that i did something right in my life, even if it just means that i only helped one person, even if its the smallest thing, making someone smile, or just making them laugh, just one small thing will make it up for everything else. All I just want to know, was it all for nothing or for something i can't see yet, or something I can't see till the end, or won't see at all. God I'm on my last smoke and last drop of alcohol. I just hope I did good once in my life, just once....

Hang in there. I've been in a funk lately as well. One of those I don't really want to talk to anyone but still want the comfort that someone is there. I can't explain it other than that.

It is easy to see all the negative. Try focusing on the positive. Tell your self that you are awesome everyday you wake up and today is going to be a great day, then make it a great day.