An unfortunate end.

So the last few months i've been keeping a few things locked inside me, People have been telling me to talk about it- so here it goes. From October 5th 2012-Feb, 27th 2015 i dated a Girl who had little care about my mental state and was really selfish at the time, She concstantly did stuff that went against our relatiomship or made me angry, no-matter how i addressed what bothered me; Months of just dealing with it on my own terms caused me to develop a few mental illness i guess; but eventually i broke it off and just left- but the aftermath wasn't fun either- you see, she was a good actor; She could make me believe she cared or loved me and for months i was pestured that she still cared and wanted me as just a friend to support her when she was down; in which i said "No". On January 31st 9:36pm, 2015 good-friend at the time Killed her-self; This hit me hard and the worst thing was i blamed myself for it, you see- she had the biggest crush on me and... Loved me alot; i was so stupid to choose my ex over her, It was her and my ex who got me into Anime; i watch it- but if feel so much in pain when i do. Anyway- i lost my train of thought- Well a few years ago in 2012 my best-friend killed himself too and the thing is... i actually liked him on a romantic level; he was a really good person, i feel like it was all my fault in a sense and im prepared to take the consequences for it, also for all the girls here whom had an interest in me and i may have harmed or hurt. I am sorry for my actions and my unpreparedness to follow on my promises. And that one person who told me to talk about it, Thank-you. i can't speak to alot of people besides my father, but he is an extremely hard man.

omg this is so horrible D: i feel so bad for you im so sorry. i know this is hard for you to believe but i can say these things from my own horrible times and that nothing is your fault here, especially when people kill themselves. everyone says things are going to get better, and i most of the time dont believe that, but here i do. <333333

:0 that sounds like a lot of crazy shit to deal with man, I'm really sorry for your losses. :( But at the same time I'm really glad someone convinced you to share it. I hope you don't mind me saying, but your friends wouldn't have wanted you to feel guilty for their deaths. I mean true friends would always want you to be happy, and I hope you'll find that by moving on from what's hurting you. I think opening up is the first step. :) As for your ex, being near abusive people is hard and emotionally and mentally draining, but just remember at the end of the day they're driving everyone else off with their actions. So you shouldn't let them take away your happiness as well. :) Lol sorry if this sounds preachy lol xD I just want to let you know that you're not alone. MO is a community and although we sometimes don't act like it, I hope everyone here feels like they can belong. :)

Hmm, I'm sorry for your losses. Though it is never your fault when people kill themselves, Even if it was something you did that triggered it(unless you outright told them to do so), I doubt you even knew they were suicidal, and I'm certain if you did, you tried to help them. It's a persons choice to live or not, Life isn't easy, It's dang hard, it's painful as hell, But those of us that can take a beating and stand back up, can make a life worth living out of it. You didn't tell them to commit suicide, you didn't pull a trigger or tie a noose, You were just a confused friend, One which I'm certain if they cared half as much about you as you do them, Then they'd want you to move on. Now with your ex problem, Good work with getting rid of her, I've had a nasty relationship before myself. I know what some people are capable of. I'm certain it ripped you apart. But remember this, No one is alone, Never, not truly, They have someone that cares about them, let it be friend, sibling, parents, cousin, even a random kind acquaintance would. And if you are looking for someone you can share everything with, I say don't give up on it if you have, It's so easy to do, but the person you may be looking for, may just be across the street. If it's a goal or ambition you desire, Well work on that. Just remember, We all have only one life, One chance, Every moment that passes only comes once, Live how you see fit as the person you'd like to be and make the choices that feel right to you, That is all my advice is hahahaha. My two cents at least hahahaha. Good luck though all the same.

Damn man thats a load of stuff to carry on your shoulders, i dont know much about your friends that passed and i feel for them and you but can you really be blamed for their death? Dont mean to sound harsh but in the end if it was suicide that was a choice and decision that they made on their own. I mean you can help them steer away from that but there is only so much you can do. That girl you mentioned i know that must of been hard on her to see the person she loved stick with someone who isn't good for them, yeah you could've have picked her...but the fact you didnt couldn't be helped you live, you learn and you sometimes regret but dont blame yourself im sure they wouldn't have wanted that. Man i hope your alright try to take it easy haha i would give you a bro hug if i could but just take a little virtual hug and keep pushing on i wish you luck :)

Thank-you guys, i've decided to seek professional help and Quit Drinking... i usually drowned my emotions with alchohol. Thank-you.