For the guys looking for girls

It always starts within and your own mind will psych you out if you do not exercise control over it. As crimson said you must first train your outlook to be positive. Avoid using/thinking negative judgements of yourself. Focus on what you can do and wish to do and get on with it lolz. Some say you can fake confidence and if you are that good an actor you would not have trouble in the first place. Masks are easily dislodged when tested. True confidence comes from self-mastery and the will of self-determination. Anyone can learn these things if they want to work for them no matter how much a climb it is. It is more than worth the trouble.

In regards to self-esteem and hesitation... It's a problem that causes problems for everything you do really... I mean I felt I never could approach people in real life, and the cause was that I was always hesitant and would keep holding back/giving up before even trying, thinking I'd be seen as weird, creepy, or get ignored. Only in recent years have I been able to really push myself to try initiating conversation with anyone in college classes. I went up to and talked to a girl in my archery class who seemed to be alone, and she was fine talking back to me, and we shared some common interests, even talked a little bit about anime. We got along pretty well I think. We didn't spend that much time together so of course we eventually parted ways once classes ended, but I enjoyed being able to get over my fear and finally make conversation without someone else prompting me to. Then, only recently I was able to finally overcome something I haven't been able to tell my dad in over 10 years, but always wanted to. I finally just pushed myself to talk to him about the possibility of moving out. And that was really difficult because I always feared they'd kick me out prematurely for mentioning it, but they didn't, and he was calm about it and willing to work something out. So, yes, I agree it's majorly in our heads that we have big fears preventing us from even trying. It may have helped that I had to do a lot of therapy in highschool, but I think most of all, making good friends and having them there to just be friends, helped the most. Even more important than that, was just having the WILL to recover. I wanted to be able to socialize, and I want to be able to move out. I'm still shy/hesitant now, but those were some important steps in my life to begin recovery. You just have to work your way slowly.

Hmmm I was reading a bit through this thread and while I haven't read then entire thing, I think many of the posts are creating an air of desperation... Increasing the pressure to find someone to be with.. Hmm how can I explain.. Rather than keep trying to message women with the intention of developing a romantic or sexual relationship, try to make friends and if something develops, it does.. And yes, I get that this is a "dating site" but dates are defined as social or romantic appointments or engagements, so, I'd just think more about being as social as possible, talking about stuff or giving opinions on topics and focus less on trying to find a mate because a stink of desperation sure won't help. Hopefully you guys understand what I'm trying to say.

@Mikorin I agree, and I think that's one of the reasons this site has a forum where we can discuss common hobbies or issues. So we can get to know each other whether for friendship or deeper relationships. Both require getting to know people.

The friend route: Friend zone them before they friend zone you, if they friend zone you first, it is likely a romantic relationship will never occur. The mysterious route: Whatever you do, DO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT PERSON. That is vital for this route. Do what you usually do, make friends with A LOT of people, talk to as many people as you possibly can, and talk to the teacher if you are in school. You will be noticed and most of the people who you talk to will be on your side. You will receive a confidence boost the more people you are comfortable with and with that you can express yourself more freely. The girl WILL notice you (if in school) and will take interest if you can make the classroom laugh. You have to be casual and most importantly, don't give a fuck about what someone may think of you. If you talk to everybody and be everybody's friend, you will go far. Your friends will likely be the ones laughing in class of what you say or do and soon enough everyone in the class is going to be on your side. Once they are on your side, it is EASY to get the person to fall for you. The mean route: A lot of immature girls like mean guys, so just be mean and say stuff like "You look ugly" or "I don't like your shirt". You are basically acting out as a tsundere which people in general find very interesting.

I found some guys to be charming when they are both blunt and have a good sense of humor... how to explain it... Like when a guy makes fun of you in some way, but makes up for it by smiling cutely after, then you realize it was a joke and he's actually just being playful(though he may not be lying). Though, this can be difficult... I mean some guys make fun of something you may be downright offended by(like your body image or religion), and then it's just not cool. @_@ Then if they react badly to you being offended... well it just becomes a bullying situation.

@dream, I don't know if I'd actually recommend the friend route. What most people end up doing is they only act like a friend, but not like a (I feel a little bit silly typing/saying this but for lack of a better word...) lover. You wanna build both emotional and physical intimacy, otherwise you're pretty much friendzoned from the get go. I kinda feel like it's dishonest in a way. Like you started off interested in a person and instead of kinda communicating that, you just try to act like you only want a platonic relationship and then somehow the other person is supposed to, at some point in time, magically realize that you like them like that when they've already established you as a platonic friend based on how you acted. This goes for both genders mind you, I know some girl friends who've been in that position. "Bro-zone" I think is what it's called. Also I do agree with @Kohagura. You gotta have pretty high levels of charisma to pull that off, otherwise it does seem abusive.

@ xueli Yeah, scratch the friend route. That's just something I barely put any thought in.

This is the most insightful thread I've seen on this site yet. Thanks to all of you providing this advice for everyone.