Confessions

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Jack in the boxes freak me out, so do pokeballs when I'm catching pokemon... though I'm not sure why since anything that seems relatively "scary" to others I enjoy. Maybe because they are seemingly cute things?

I confess, I just had one of these... https://s3-media2.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/zf3SezbZgu09jnbPj3sQBw/o.jpg

I might just drop some confessions straight out of me. It might be about time I joined this fray in a more serious way but unlike the usual way I run I won't be trying to destroy something or clear MO out in a scared frenzy (this would be constructive not destructive as my usual nature). I've been thinking about it awhile and as usual I don't wanna just kinda splurge half thoughts or things that are like thinking out loud. Since I've been on MO I've had my mind opened up to a different array of people although I do notice most of the really active peeps have a lot in common and act somewhat alike (not good or bad - just observation). However, my two relationships (I think you all know which two so I'll forego naming them since I'm not really trying to spotlight either of them at this time) in their own ways have shaped me and made me into a much better person. The person I was roughly 4-5 years ago would have handled these events completely differently and probably would have most of MO cowering in my destructive wake (I was a much more volatile and viscous person back when) Not to be a total tease I'll leave a small dose of what I may or may not decide to drop in full. I used to think that one couldn't or shouldn't fall so hard for someone in mere weeks (let alone months) but that time spent shouldn't be too much of a gauge on how meaningful and impacting a relationship is on a person (I'm talking dating specific here - although I guess the point can be extrapolated and used in non dating relationships). Even if a relationship ends badly you can still gain a whole lot of positives from it and use it to make you a better person. I also got reinforced that when you fall in love with someone you really do leave a part of yourself with them regardless of how it ends. You all can pretend (that is all you're really doing by doing this - false hardasses and trying to feign invulnerability... an inferior way to deal with these things honestly) that the ties are 100% severed but as long as there are memories or something you carry forward from it be it positive or negative .... they aren't 100% severed. My relationships both had an undesirable ending but that doesn't mean they were meaningless.... far from it and I wouldn't wish either of those relationships to be extinguished from my life if it were somehow magically possible. Ah what do ya know bigger dose than I thought but the words just kinda flowed *shrugs* but still a pretty small dose compared to what I can drop with details, realities and lessons.

I'll be honest and say I do get a bit jealous when I see other couples having successful relationships or guys who frankly weigh far more than I do getting GF's that I would date in a second. Basing things like that solely on looks is admittedly somewhat shallow of me, but it makes me wonder sometimes why I can't meet someone close by who is into similar things that I am. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my appearance or how I carry myself. Nine times out of ten they are almost already in a relationship or are far to young for me to consider even if I'm fortunate to meet someone new.

I only get reactive to the other couples thing when they're way too over the top PDA (public displays of affection). I get that you would want to publicly display emotions to your new lover (I've done this here myself) but there's a tasteful and right way to do it and a wrong way to do it. It is a respect thing in all honesty - what it boils down to... respect those who don't have it and don't flaunt it in everyone's face every two damn seconds. At some point some of these couples just need to get a room or something.

I hear you Rain. I'm not far behind you in age, and it is hard to see other people finding someone else; especially when you feel like you're aging and getting less attractive all the time. Still, I often remind myself that a lot of those relationships don't always last, and whatever happiness people can find -- even if only momentary -- is really valuable, and it's worth being happy for them about it rather than feeling dejected. Not saying I don't find myself feeling jealous sometimes, but I'm trying my damndest to convert that energy towards something positive rather than let it drag me down. It's hard. I'm divorced, and if I'm being completely honest (since this is Confessions, after all), I still miss my ex sometimes, even though I haven't spoken to her in over a year. Like you, I find it hard not to question myself, and part of that has to do with being left. I always felt like marriage was absolute as long as you didn't cheat on each other or treat each other badly. We talked often about growing old together. When I was worried that maybe she'd regret getting married later on, she reassured me, "You would have to beat me off with a stick to keep me away." She even told me she thought I was, "perfect." I took my vows very seriously, and assumed she did too, but the truth is I wasn't perfect and neither was she. I've asked myself a million times where I went wrong, but I'm starting to finally get it through my thick skull that maybe it had nothing to do with me at all. I'm not perfect, but I have a lot of positive qualities, and I know you do too. Don't let this stuff get you down, man. Here's another confession for you... I came very close to killing myself over what happened. I had put my entire self-worth into that relationship, and when it was gone, I had lost all purpose in life. I didn't know what to fight for. All I knew was that I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved and, by the same token, didn't deserve to exist because I had convinced myself that her not loving me meant I was unlovable, and being unlovable meant I was worthless. Looking back on it, it's so easy for me to go, "What was I thinking? How could I have ever gotten to such a low point?" but I've since talked to dozens of people that have been through the same feelings and the same pain. It was a hard lesson to learn, and it always sounds so simple and trite when people rattle it off, but you really do have to learn to love yourself. Like I said, I know I may not be perfect and I have my share of faults (one of which is that I overcompensate by writing too damn much in my comments...), but I genuinely believe I'm a good person and that I'm worth something. I hope you can recognize that about yourself too.

@RainX and shawnji, wow you guys talk like you're old men. I'm older than both of you, I just don't like to act my age. I've never been married but I've been through lots of relationships. My last was my longest at 2yrs. The main challenge is that most girls I've met that share my interests are way younger than me and are often not ready for a long-term relationship or are even sure what they want. I dated my last gf when I was 32 and she was 18. She got me into going to anime conventions. She just has lots of depression issues and decided she likes girls better. But we are still good friends and now she is 25 and I'm turning 40 this year. I've been talking to another girl on here who is 25 and I might move there to get to know her better. We might date or we might just be friends. If she finds a serious relationship before I move, I might not bother. I'm open minded but also cynical so I try not to expect much. Hope for the best, expect the worst.